Be a Doll(34)

The wrong twin died that day.

That was a horrible thought to have.

I got to my feet and made a move to follow Mathis, but then I stopped myself. What was I doing? I wanted to comfort my husband, but why? He wouldn’t accept a simple act of comfort that wouldn’t imply sexual relief or sexual distraction, however I should picture it. He wouldn’t want me to see him vulnerable when it was so very obvious that he was at that very moment somewhere in this vast apartment.

I glanced back at the big, empty bed and shook my head.

It was too late anyway.

I could ignore a nasty man.

I could ignore a manipulative husband.

I could ignore a cold-hearted spouse.

But I couldn’t ignore someone who truly hurt from losing someone. I wasn’t made that way and even on the streets, the foster homes and my godawful life hadn’t changed that, not after what I had to go through myself.





LILA


I tiptoed to the half open door to Mathis’ home study and peeked inside. Only one small light was on at his desk. It cast a white cold ring of light over the glass of the desk and specifically over Mathis’ shaking hand holding a photograph between his big fingers. I stopped breathing, afraid he’d find me spying on him and anger him once again. I didn’t care to fight with him, not when he was in such a bad place.

I faintly heard him breathing. I couldn’t see his face and I couldn’t be sure, but with the way his hand on the picture shook and the way his shoulders heaved, I wondered if he wasn’t crying.

I pushed open the door, but it didn’t make a sound. I took a deep breath and cleared my throat to announce my arrival. I didn’t want to take him by surprise. I bet a man like him hated showing any kind of weakness to someone else and he had done that in spades tonight with me.

He didn’t look up. His head was still down to keep on fixing the photograph he was shakily holding. His breathing was louder the more I stepped closer.

“What’d you want?’’ he asked brusquely, his voice so rough I’d think he spent hours screaming his throat out.

I stopped just behind the lone chair in front of his desk and put my hands on the back to prevent myself from fidgeting.

“I was looking for you.’’

He snorted then and dropped the picture on the top of the desk. The corners were very damaged from years of manipulation and the colors washed out, but I recognized it anyway. It was the same picture as the only one on the shelf in the living room near the huge TV. Mathis and Maxime.

“I think you have this little game all backwards, little Lila,’’ he said coldly as he straightened up in his desk chair and locked eyes with me. He might try to hide that he was still shaking and that his breathing was laborious, but he couldn’t hide the look on his face, the look of a man on the verge of breaking down. That, that look right there tore through me and awakened a part of me I thought had died a long time ago. “You’re supposed to avoid me while I pursue you until you cave.’’ He traced his lower lip with a finger as his eyes took me in, stopping a moment to stare at my braless breasts hidden by a thin piece of clothing that didn’t hide the tightening of my nipples. The dark smirk stretching his lips higher on one side and carving that wicked dimple in his cheek elicited a shiver out of me and this time around I had no idea from what kind of emotion it stemmed. “That is, unless you want me to take you on my desk. I’d be glad to oblige.’’

I tilted my head to one side and didn’t try to hide my taut nipples or turn around and leave him be to his own troubled thoughts. Instead, I locked eyes on his and didn’t waver. “Do you always use sex to hide?’’

He scoffed and leaned back in his chair. It creaked once as he settled. I didn’t miss how he clasped his still trembling hands in his lap. “I don’t hide. Sex is a great distraction, a relief like no other. It makes everything inconsequential for a little while.’’ He took a deep breath and slowly exhaled, getting his control back over his breathing, over himself too. The haunted look was gone and his hands were back on top of the desk. He wasn’t trembling anymore.

How could someone be able to go from broken to showing an air of perfect control over himself, a control so complete he appeared cold and unaffected by anything. Distant.

“What happened to Maxime?’’

At his brother’s name his cold mask slipped. He closed his eyes as if in pain and his breathing hitched. His t-shirt couldn’t hide the muscles in his chest and arms flexing as if his whole body was coiled tight for a fight. “What are you doing?’’ he asked quietly.

“I’m trying to understand your family. And mostly you.’’

He re-opened his eyes and immediately sought out mine to trap me there, standing in the middle of his office and seemingly to strip me bare with just one look. My heart sped up again and my whole body tingled.

“There’s no mystery. We’re a damaged, broken family. That’s all there is.’’ He turned his head away and turned the picture over so he couldn’t see it anymore. “Go back to bed.’’

“Are you going to try and lose yourself with sex? I’m sure you have plenty of women ready to do that for you after just one measly call. But then what?’’

Just the thought of going to bed and picturing him calling some woman here to fuck somewhere in the apartment had my stomach rolling. It shouldn’t, though. In fact, a few hours ago I wouldn’t have batted an eye and I probably would have been pretty much relieved knowing he went to find his release somewhere else, but now, after witnessing another side of him, I didn’t know where I stood. I wasn’t an idiot and falling in love with my husband after only a few hours of being married, but I couldn’t help but feel like something was amiss. As much as I thought I would be strong enough to endure this marriage, I found myself lost and confused. Scared, too.