Atonement(31)
Liam turned me toward him and kissed my nose. “It won’t get out because I am worried about employee gossip…it can’t get out because it would destroy Colin. He’s my brother and I know how he is. He likes you a lot and I couldn’t do that to him.”
My hands reached for his face and caressed the sides which were rough with new-growth though I could barely tell due to his fair hair. “So, protecting Colin is your highest priority? That makes me feel really good because I like him too but I couldn’t have done this with him so soon and not felt like a whore. I know it doesn’t matter I don’t have a lot of sexual partners but…I want him to take me seriously and if something happens between us, I want it to be special.”
“You mean not like this?” he inquired before he laughed out loud. “Don’t get me wrong, I think you are a great girl and if my brother wasn’t so crazy about you, I would definitely pursue you. Doesn’t matter I’ve had you many, many times tonight. I want you again. In my bed. Tomorrow night and the night after and the night after. But…I can’t do that to him. Colin’s suffered behind my selfish desires before and I won’t ever allow it to happen again. It isn’t fair to him because he’s truly a good person and he deserves to be happy.”
“And what about you? Do you not deserve happiness?”
Liam didn’t look at me as he lay on his stomach and stared at an atrocious Picasso he had hanging on his wall above his bed. “I don’t think I deserve happiness. I have always taken what I wanted whether it hurt someone or not. I have done anything I’ve desired and there are way too many hurt girlfriends I have left in my wake. I convince them they’re the one and they start having visions of us building a life together. Marriage, children, family time—until you, I have never met another woman I wanted to marry.
“Now that I know you’re not available, I will have to find someone else to feel this deeply for however I am betting it won’t happen. I’ll settle because it’s what I am good at. That’s not to say I won’t love her but I won’t be in love with her. Perhaps in the end, that is best. Being in love with someone is very dangerous and can cause all kinds trouble.”
I lay next to him on my back. Our arms brushed lightly and I could already feel the need inside me rise like an oncoming tide. “Perhaps you’re right. I have never been in love either although I can honestly say Drew is the closest I have ever come to loving anyone. He is a great guy and he’s going to make some woman very happy but it won’t be me.”
“Didn’t he move out here for you?”
“Yeah, he did. Right after the accident with my father. He abandoned his PhD and started working at the coffee shop and bar just like Colin. The guy is a genius and really good with computers but he’d rather waste his life on the sheer chance we might get back together. I feel horrible because I don’t want to mislead him. He’s my best friend and that is the way we should stay. We weren’t meant to be in a romantic relationship together,” I explained softly.
Liam threw his arm across my waist. “Why? He seems like a decent guy. Is it the whole bisexual thing?”
“No, not at all.” I looked his way and smiled. “Actually, I never had a problem with it because he never disrespected me and he never cheated on me—not that I know of though he was an outrageous flirt. We were a great couple. It just so happens he was my first love and as ridiculous as it sounds, I knew there was more out there in life I needed to discover. I could live a very happy life with Drew but then I would always wonder what I missed out on and why I was so afraid of living life?
“I didn’t ever want to have those feelings for him. I didn’t want to honestly think he’d kept me from living a very different life than the one we ended up with together. We needed to experience other people and see the world. It just wasn’t meant to be. At least not now, not at this time in our life.”
He curled underneath me. “Stay here, at least until the morning. You could shower and change back into your dress. I’ll take you back to Colin’s then.”
“And how do we convince your brother nothing happened between us if I do that?”
Liam smiled devilishly. “Leave that to me.”
I couldn’t resist his charm and I turned on to my side, away from him. He spooned me and somehow it felt okay and all right. I had to keep trying to convince myself we’d done nothing wrong. Neither of us were in a relationship at the moment so I hadn’t cheated and he hadn’t either. We were two adults of reasonable age who felt like having sex and were attracted to one another so we did.