Atonement(26)

I studied him and titled my head slightly to the right. “All that is just bullshit you’ve been feeding yourself for so long, you actually believe it. For some reason, you’ve decided to take on this role where Liam is the good guy of the family, the successful and enterprising brother while you’re the classic f*ck-up and you are doing yourself no favors with that kind of attitude.

“I think you’re afraid of failure and the fear is so palpable, you’d rather not try at all to try and perhaps fail. There is nothing written in the cards to say you wouldn’t be a success and why you feel this need to make yourself the martyr of the family is beyond me. You are so intelligent and you have so much going for you. I’m going to quote my sister though I don’t do it often: ‘don’t you think it’s time you put that Harvard education to work’? Why go to such a successful and prestigious learning institution to be a barista at a coffee shop and a bartender at some place here in town? Those are usually jobs for college students and those who have decided not to go to college, not people like you,” I explained in a sympathetic voice.

“See, that’s the problem though. I have everything I want and I have never been that difficult to please. I just wanna live life, have fun and basically look out for myself. I don’t want to have to deal with invoices and employees and all that shit.”

“So are you telling me your only wish is to live for yourself? You don’t ever want to have to be responsible for anyone else and this way, you won’t have to be? Don’t you want a spouse? Children? It’s kind of hard living in a place like Seattle on a coffee boy and bartender salary.”

“Yeah but that isn’t something I have to worry about, now is it? It’s not like we’re ever gonna be a couple and even if I did get all that shit, I have enough money to support my family so we wouldn’t have to live on the money I make from my two jobs.”

I sighed with exasperation. “You are one of the most infuriating people in the world sometimes.”

“Why? Because I don’t want to be like you?”

My expression changed and my eyes immediately went cold. “I’m not asking you to be like me because you could never be like me. Yes, you’ve lost a parent but your mother died of cancer. She wasn’t run over by some crazed drunk driver who left her broken body on the asphalt to be found by the police and paramedics. You will never know what it’s like to be me and don’t ever think you have a clue what I am going through because you don’t and you never will.”

“Listen, I didn’t mean it like that…” he trailed off.

I finished the rest of my ale and set the bottle on the table. “Don’t worry about it—I’m off to bed. Talk to you in the morning.” I stood and walked to my guest bedroom.

One I was there, I slipped on a cute flannel sleep shirt and crawled into bed. I knew my behavior was a bit over the top but there was always tomorrow and I could apologize then.





Chapter Eight





I AWOKE WITH a start and for a moment, I thought it was morning already. It wasn’t; I grabbed my Android and realized it was only shortly after one in the morning and next to me in a pair of black boxer shorts and matching wife-beater, was Colin. This made me sit up with a start before I shook him rougher than I intended to and he stirred slowly before he opened his eyes.

Regardless of the fact he was half asleep, a thin line of drool marked his cheek and his hair was completely mussed, he still looked sexy as hell and I cursed my stupid female hormones.

“What are you doing in here?” I inquired, burying my own shame with a cool tone that didn’t completely eradicate my own lust.

“Sorry. I felt bad about what happened and I came in here after we had our first fight. I wanted to talk to you but you were sleep so I just crawled next to you and watched you sleep. Before I knew it, I was sleep too. I didn’t try anything, I swear,” he replied, the sleep in his voice still palpable.

“I didn’t think you had.” I ran my hands through my tousled hair before I lay down. “You can get underneath the covers you know. We are both adults and well over the age of twenty-one. I have no false illusions you are going to attack me just because we are sharing the same bed. You sleep on your side and I’ll sleep on mine.”

Colin slipped underneath the covers in a weary manner before he turned toward me and stared at me with those blue eyes of his which could make that twisted knife in my heart melt. “Listen, I’m sorry. You’re right. I need to stop hiding as much as you needed to and I am scared of failure. I’m so terrified I will never live up to Liam and it just…it’s overwhelming sometimes. You have no idea what it’s like to live in his shadow because he has always been so awesome and I have been so…goddamn ordinary.”