A Life More Complete(45)
“I don’t hate you.” I finally say and he sighs with relief. “I could never hate you. It’s just hard. I don’t know what to say. We have history, that should mean something, but we also have a lot of hurt and even more baggage than any one person should have. We were a mess then and we’re still a mess now.”
“Do you love me?” he asks, a bold statement even for Tyler.
“I can’t answer that.”
“Can’t or won’t. They’re two different things. Can’t meaning you really just don’t know or won’t meaning you have feelings you won’t admit to.”
“Both.” I say as I pull my ponytail out and readjust it to sit on top of my head in a messy bun. “Why did you leave like that?” I blurt out. “Why’d you walk out on me?” I can feel the tears pool in my eyes and I fight them back.
“You cheated on me with my best friend.” When his words hit me, it feels like I’ve been slapped across the face. The choice I made all those years ago is still so vivid in my mind. It was a decision that was based on desperation and revenge and spite, but when my thoughts cleared the guilt ate me alive. In this moment I become defensive, angry, I feel a thickness forming in my throat. I need to defend myself.
“You cheated on me with everyone,” I counter and I can see the anger building within him. We’ve never talked about that night. Clearly today is probably not the best time to rehash the past. The hurt is still very much alive. I’ve always been a sweep-it-under-the-rug kind of person. I like to ignore my personal problems because that way they’ll maybe go away on their own.
“So that’s what it was? An eye for an eye? I trusted you!” he screams. “You were the one person who wasn’t suppose to hurt me. I couldn’t even f*cking look at you.”
“You trusted me? Are you f*cking kidding me? What about you? I trusted you and look where it got me,” I scream back as I push away from the table. He walks over and stands in front of me. Tyler’s jaw is clenched and his hands ball into fists as our eyes meet for a split second. I can feel the resentment growing as we stand only inches apart. Never in my life have I feared Tyler, but tonight I do. The anger on both our parts is so raw, so palpable.
“You cheated on me with my best friend. It can’t get much worse than that,” he says.
“You’re seriously going to argue logistics and compare what I did to you with what you did to me? You gave me chlamydia, Tyler! You gave me an STD because you slept with so many f*cking women and I was dumb enough to have sex with you after it all. Shame on me for being such a f*cking fool!” I’m fuming, both of us are breathing heavily. I realize I’m the one who opened this can of worms. It was good until I brought it up. It wasn’t supposed to turn into an argument, yet here we are screaming at each other in my kitchen. We could’ve carried on without ever mentioning the past. I take a deep breath as I walk to my front door.
“You need to go. There’s a reason we’ve spent the last seven years apart. My life is good and you’re not going to come in here and ruin it like you did all those other times. I won’t let you bring me down. I’m a different person and it’s obvious that you haven’t changed at all. It’s time for you to leave,” I say as I stand at the front door. Tyler stays firmly rooted where he stands. “Seriously Tyler, get out.”
“I’m not leaving. I didn’t come here to argue with you,” he says as I interrupt.
“What do you want?” I yell raising my eyebrows and throwing my hands up. I try to gain control of my wild emotions as I begin to chew on my lip. I place my hand on the doorknob and that exact moment Tyler stalks over, his hand clamping firmly around my wrist. My teeth bite down hard onto my bottom lip and my eyes close. His touch sends my mind into a tailspin. I stop breathing and all I can hear is the sound of my heartbeat pulsing through my ears.
In seconds my arms are above my head, my back forced up against the door. Tyler’s hand is locked tightly around my wrists as he pins me with the weight of his body. His lips claim mine and a deep thrust of air leaves my mouth. He uses this moment to run his tongue along the teeth marks on my lip making me lightheaded. His tongue slips into my mouth, taking over and I return the kiss. He pulls my body against his and I begin to relax. My body melts around him, as I press against his leg in a way that can only be described as desperate. He trails a series of soft kisses along my jaw and when he reaches my ear he whispers, “I want you.”