The Crow King's Wife (The Elder Blood Chronicles #5)(123)
“I thought that you had Divine blood.” Shade admitted when Grim fell silent.
“If only.” Grim said ruefully then shook his head. “I am my own unholy creation and in many ways my desire to be more is exactly what has made me less. I focused so much on my strength and training that I failed to retain balance of spirit. I am fearless, but I am callous as well. I think that’s why Finn and I hated each other at first sight. We looked at one another and saw flaws where we expected to find perfection. We hated each other because we were the same sort of creature. He crafted himself in the arena and I spent years proving myself on the battlefield and in the end it at the same result. He became the most feared duelist in Sanctuary and I earned my reputation as the Bloody Huntsman. I am good at killing and I reveled in the blood just as much as he did, but for different reasons. For every enemy I slew I gained more of Micah’s favor and after a time there wasn’t a single person in Arovan that didn’t know my worth. The knights scoffed at Caleb Faulklin, but no one looked down their nose at the Bloody Huntsman.” Grim gave a bitter smirk and let out a slow breath before continuing.
“It wasn’t until I met Evanell that I realized there was at least one person that would appreciate me for what I was and not what I could do.” He gave a short bitter laugh and smiled widely. “In all honesty Evanell hated what I could do. She was a healer and I was two steps from being a bloodthirsty psychopath. I tried to court her and she pushed me away with both arms. In my persistence I discovered it was my career as a soldier that she hated more than anything else. So I left the Arovan Army and moved to Amdany. It took weeks to adjust to normal life and for a time it was nearly impossible to control my temper, but for Evanell I managed. She gave me harmony in life without having me to prove myself. She balanced what I lacked and when I was with her I was whole.” Grim paused and a look of grief filled his eyes as he folded his hands in his lap.
“From what Zoelyn says she was quite remarkable.” Shade offered quietly unsure what else to say.
Grim smiled faintly and nodded his head once before clearing his throat and continuing. “Once we were married Micah gave me the role of High Marshall of Amdany. I suppose he figured I was too useful to leave idle. Evanell didn’t care for it, but I wouldn’t refuse Micah anything. I drove off six invasions during my time as Marshall and everyone called me a hero for saving the people of Amdany. I didn’t do it for them though. There were only four people in that entire city that I gave a damn about. It was my territory the Reavers invaded and they died for trespassing. People gave it noble purpose and told stories about my heroics, but it wasn’t noble in the least. The Soulreavers died for being stupid enough to set foot on my shore. If they had invaded ten miles up the coast I wouldn’t have budged to stop them. Ten miles up the coast was not my concern.” Grim paused considering then shook his head slightly as he continued. “I don’t think Evanell ever realized that about me. I had balance when I was with her, but I hid what I lacked from her so she wouldn’t understand what I truly am. She always thought I was her equal, but I wasn’t. She was a much better person than I have ever desired to be. She wanted to save everyone, I don’t. I pretended to be what she wanted me to be, and she loved the mask I wore for her.” Grim fell silent and met Shade’s eyes once more with a look of utter sincerity.
“Can you honestly say she didn’t truly see you? Do you know it was a mask that she loved?” Shade asked softly. He wasn’t sure what else to say after Grim’s admission, but felt like he should say something to fill the silence.
Grim smiled at him sadly and nodded once before he began again. “I do the right things for the wrong reasons, and you do the right things without regard to reason. I trust you Shade. I don’t use those words lightly and I think I’ve only said them to two people in my entire life before now. I look at you and I see hints of Micah, but you have never once expected me to bow before you. You have always treated me as an equal. We can balance each other, but only if you can trust me, and I have to know that you truly see me as I am before you say that you trust me. I am not a hero. I am truly the Black Bastard in most ways and when I do manage to do the right thing it is usually by accident. Evanell trusted me blindly and I feel guilt for that. There are very few people that I actually care about and I have taken every one of them for granted. I won’t repeat the same mistakes and I will not hide what I am from a true friend ever again. If we are to continue working together I want you to realize that you are dealing with the Black Bastard and not the hero Arovan bards sing about.”
Shade remained silent for a long moment before nodding. “I understand what you are saying but that doesn’t mean I agree. I trusted you before and I trust you now. I don’t care why you do what you do or how much you loathe yourself. I judge you on what you have shown me, and I haven’t seen anything to distrust yet.”
Grim stared at him with a look of mild disbelief and snorted in disgust. “I don’t loathe myself.” He objected firmly. “I think you misunderstood me. I want you to understand that I am not noble and heroic, but that is by choice. I may not have the merits others revere and tell stories of, but it’s only because that isn’t important to me. I am fearless, loyal, and more talented than ninety percent of the people wasting my air. I wasn’t apologizing for what I am I was warning you before I propose a deal.”