The Crow King's Wife (The Elder Blood Chronicles #5)(122)
“And that is another point of my discussion, but that comes at the end of it all.” Grim said cryptically but held a hand up before Shade could interrupt. “We share more than you realize Shade. You spent your childhood trying to prove to your father that you were worthy of him. I spent my childhood trying to force mine to regret casting me aside. Both of us suffered in the same fashion and the results have left us both somewhat broken. You give too much of yourself, and I never seem to give enough.” He paused and let out a long slow breath. “Or when I do give enough it’s for the wrong reasons, such as Rivana. I didn’t go there to punish them for killing my friends. I went there to hurt them as much as they hurt me. On the surface it can be confused, but when you get to the bones of it I acted selfishly rather than nobly.”
“Either way the judgment was delivered.” Shade observed and shrugged one shoulder.
“It was, but that is the first part of your confusion on me. I’m trying to explain to you what I truly am.” Grim clarified and fell silent for a breath as he gathered his thoughts.
“Are you going to expect me to explain to you what I really am when you are done? Because I honestly don’t think I can do that. I’m not sure I can even begin to define myself.” Shade broke in before Grim could continue. He wasn’t sure what the point of any of this was. He couldn’t honestly say that he truly knew any of the people he considered friends to the core, but that had never mattered to him before, and he didn’t understand why Grim seemed to think it mattered now.
“I don’t need you to explain yourself to me, Shade. I can see you clearly for what you are, which is exactly why I’m here. You may have fooled the others, but you didn’t fool me.” Grim returned with a faint smirk. “I’m really not sure how to unveil myself quickly. I’ve spent so many years wearing a mask painted with the misconceptions of others that I’m not sure where the best place to start is.” Grim admitted softly. With a sigh he leaned his head back against the wall and stared up at the shadowed sky above them. “I suppose I’ll muddle my way through and if you get confused by my rambling let me know.” He decided after a long moment.
“Grim, you don’t have to do this. It won’t matter to me and you know it. I don’t care what you have done you are my friend.” Shade protested, but Grim simply shook his head in response and cleared his throat as if he expected what he had to say to take a long while.
“First off let me explain why you have trouble with your changing as far as I see it. It will explain a bit about me as well.” He began and dropped his gaze back to Shade as he spoke. “In the eyes of the Shifters each form you take is another life. From what I’ve seen you blend all of your lives together and thus you have habits that bleed through. For the Shifters each form has its own habits and desires. That’s why you don’t see a Shifter switching forms for convenience. It might be easier to travel as a wolf, but most don’t shift simply to make life easier. For some such as myself it is too hard to come back. Had I been born in Glis I would have most likely chosen the life of a wolf. That is the form that fits my soul best.”
“What do you mean by that? How can a form fit your soul?” Shade asked quickly before Grim had a chance to continue.
“Does a soul have a shape Shade? Does it have a gender?” Grim asked and Shade could only shrug in response. It wasn’t something that he had ever pondered before. “To the Shifters it does not, but there are forms that the soul finds more harmony with. Some Shifters choose the life of the animal they have an affinity with and live out their days as a wolf or cat or whatever form they have. Others find harmony in their human form and choose to live out their days in cities. No one in Glis judges them for where they find harmony. A wolf may have more respect than a man in Glis, but is all based on the actions of the individual, not the skin they have chosen to live in.”
“But you grew up in Arovan and didn’t have the option of living as a wolf.” Shade observed with a slow nod.
Grim nodded in confirmation and a faint smile curved his lips. “I was cast out and this body is not the one I would have chosen had I been given the option. Over the years I have honed this form and found harmony in what I have made of it however and I have found my balance at great cost, but I don’t think you have found yours yet. Every time you have changed yourself around me you have only altered minor details. You have never truly changed what you are. You are too tied to your current form to discover what your soul finds harmony with.”
“What do you mean at great cost?” Shade asked. He had to admit what Grim was saying had merit, but he didn’t like the idea of harmony having a price.
“Do you remember when you asked me if this was my true form in Rivana?” Grim smiled as he spoke and traced a finger across one of his high cheek bones. “I could see on your face then that you knew I was more than a simple Shifter. I have honed this body with every tool or spell I could find to suit me. Ryvenken, forgotten magic, amongst a few other things, basically anything I could do to improve what I was no matter what bargain I had to strike. Ryvenken for example feeds off of my soul, but to be more than what I was made it seem like a good trade at the time. You have to understand. I grew up in Arovan amongst Elementalists, and to them my druidic gifts were nothing. Yes I could shift to a wolf, but could I summon a storm or call an earthquake?” Grim smiled bitterly and shook his head slowly. “I was nothing to them. I was weak, pathetic, and not worthy of mention in their eyes. So as a child I pushed myself well past my limits to prove myself to a culture that didn’t understand me at all. Then I met Micah and he treated me well despite my differences. For a time that was enough and I grew to love him like a brother. Then Honor joined our circle and Micah grew somewhat distant, then Sebastian came and I slowly realized that while I loved Micah like a brother, he loved me like a well-crafted weapon. I was useful to him and he appreciated my value, but I was never an equal in his eyes. In some that might have bred resentment, but for me it was incentive to improve myself more. If I was the best I could possibly be I could keep Micah’s affection and force my father to acknowledge my worth in one breath. So I went beyond physical training and mundane spell casting and sought out ancient methods to find perfection.”