Rising (Blue Phoenix, #4)(33)

“What’s going on?” Jem asks.

“Nothing. I was admiring Ruby’s tattoos,” says Jax.

Jem narrows his eyes.

“I’m getting changed, if you don’t mind.” I pull the dress over my head.

“Sorry. Okay.” At least he has the decency to be embarrassed.

“Then I’m going to have a smoke, if that’s okay with you?” My hair sweeps forward as I grab my combat boots and shove my feet in. “Don’t worry, I’ll be present and correct, ready to go on stage, sir.”

Snatching my cigarettes and lighter from the pocket of my discarded pants, I leave the room.



****



Jem



Jax launches into one of his Q&A sessions about my early Blue Phoenix gigs and all I can picture is Ruby semi-naked with him. Ruby semi-naked with me, and my hands on her skin. I fight the memory of Ruby revealing her tattoos in the kitchen – and what else she revealed with them. I’ve spent a few nights fighting my overactive imagination’s attempt to picture what would’ve happened if things had gone further, but my subconscious took hold and pushed her into my dreams. Big pat on the back for not taking advantage, but shit that night hasn’t helped my fantasies about this chick.

Now this, and in the pit of my stomach seethes an emotion I’m unfamiliar with recently. Jealousy.

For years, I’ve felt nothing and then in this last couple of months the whole range of emotions has assailed me. Anger, despair, grief, and a shitload of guilt over people and events from the past. The suddenness and strength with which these emotions can overwhelm are what pull me backward. I know why the dreams about Liv began again, the one thing from my past I can’t go back and fix.

After rehab, I had apologies to give and amends to make. It was f-ucking hard, but I went to Dylan, and we worked through all the crap of the last couple of years. I apologised to Sky for how I treated her and we’ve reached a wary stalemate. Liam was cool apart from another lecture about how Dylan’s and my behaviour screw around with the band. Bryn just shrugged me off and said the real apology will come from staying clean, because this time I almost killed the thing I love the most. Blue Phoenix.

Now Ruby stirs other emotions beyond the physical lust I’d have for girls before.

I worry about Ruby when she goes to work in case Dan appears. I care whether she’s okay when she spends half a day in her room without coming out. I’m happy when we sit together, even if it is in silence.

And I’m f-ucking jealous when I see Jax’s hands on her.

I’ve fooled myself that Ruby in my house for a couple of weeks meant nothing; that she was hanging out until we safely went on tour. I allowed Ruby a glimpse into myself and I saw a different girl, one who has triggered a desire for somebody else to share my new life with. Bryn’s right, this is heading in a direction bad for my grip on sobriety. I can’t get attached to a girl like her - or any girl currently. Back in her life with the boys, Ruby’s relaxed and at home, the distance has reformed and I need to keep things this way. When we finish this tour, she needs to leave my house.





Chapter Seventeen



Jem



As the days pass, the tightness of Ruby Riot places me further on the edge of Ruby’s life. This allows me to back off, which will make asking her to leave a ton easier when we get back. Two weeks and ten gigs, the band holds up well. This is what I needed to see. There’s no real friction apart from what comes out of Ruby’s mouth before she goes on stage and the guys are used to that. In a weird way, Ruby breaks the tension.

Liam and Bryn came to a couple of the gigs and their approval reinforces this is the right decision. Only Steve’s thumbs up is needed now. He hasn’t been in the UK recently. His wife has him tied down to their house in the States so he’s asked for a full demo. The excitement on the guys’ faces when I tell them I have studio time booked after the tour is priceless. Even Ruby cracks a smile.

Tonight Ruby Riot played their last gig of the tour to a crowded venue in Oxford. Their sets get tighter, the audiences bigger. There’s a weird fatherly sense of pride toward them, although my feelings for Ruby remain increasingly un-fatherly. The bad thing is, the more I resist my brain’s attempt to develop an emotional attachment to her, the more I want her in my bed. Yeah, I want her out of my house but in my bed; I’m still a selfish bastard.

Guys hit on Ruby after gigs every night and I watch with a combination of jealousy and amusement, depending on how she responds to them. Curiously, Jax intervenes most nights and gives outsiders the impression the guitarist and lead singer are an item. I’ve heard her thank him for getting rid of unwanted attention and he shrugs it off but this gnaws at me. I know the four of them share a room at each hotel; and who knows what happens following the late night, drunken sessions I keep out of. At least those thoughts reinforce that my dumb, sober brain needs to find someone else.

Yeah, right, apart from she’s cock blocking me, Jem Jones passing on groupies who inevitably pass themselves onto the other guys.

Heading back to my room after the gig, I find Ruby sitting on the floor in the hallway, resting against my suite door with her eyes closed. I pause, wishing the sight of her didn’t fire up the irritating mix of desire to screw her with the longing for her attention. We’ve barely spoken in days. Ruby’s plain grey top is scooped across the neck and has slipped on one side, past the ink to the top of her black lace bra. Not helping. Her amazing legs stretch in front of her, wrapped in black yoga pants; barefoot, toe nails painted bright red to match her fingernails. I pull the room’s keycard out fighting the usual image of those legs wrapped around my body.