Out of Breath (Breathing, #3)(46)

‘Here you go.’ He presented me with two bottles of vodka. ‘I bought one for me too.’

‘That’s fine,’ I responded, unscrewing the top and letting the clear liquid flow over the ice cubes, almost sighing as I gulped down half the cup. My stomach ignited upon contact, sending a shiver through me with a rush of saliva in the back of my throat.

Kevin lowered himself onto the lawn chair on the other side of the plastic table, grabbed a cup and scooped ice out of the bag, an unlit cigarette dangling from his mouth. He started talking. I had no idea what he was saying. I just nodded and stared at the green water, sipping the chilled vodka, waiting for the numbness – impatiently filling the cup two or three more times.

Near my father. She’d want her headstone in the same place as my father’s.

I crushed my teeth together, fighting against the persistent buzz of voices penetrating the numb barrier. I swallowed down the rest of the vodka and dumped more on top of the cubes of ice.

It would be nice for you to share some moments you had with your mother.

I was at the edge of the pool, staring into its murky green depths. My body was numb, but the voices kept talking. They wouldn’t stop. I slowly shook my head, needing to be rid of them.

I closed my eyes and took a step. The water was cool, and the chlorine burned my nose as the water rushed in around me. I pulled my knees up into me and sank to the bottom, my feet thumping against the rough concrete. I kept my eyes closed. And finally, there was … silence. I hugged my knees tighter against me and absorbed the quiet.

I released small bursts of air through my nose. After a time my lungs began to burn, but I didn’t move. I let the cool water keep me captive. The panic never set in, like in my dreams. I’d drowned many times in my sleep. I was always so afraid, frantic to breathe. But here … there was calm. Inviting me to stay.

I ignored the need to inhale and the growing pressure in my chest. The water murmured around me. I opened my eyes and listened. It sounded like … yelling. I jerked my head up and saw two figures looming over the edge of the pool, Sara’s red hair hanging above the water.

I pushed hard off the pool’s hard bottom and inhaled deeply as I broke through, swallowing water with the air. I began choking on the chemically tainted water, coughing until I thought I might vomit. My breath eventually evened out as I clutched the side of the pool. That’s when the yelling cut through, as if I’d just released the mute button.

‘Holy shit, Emma!’ Sara bellowed. Her shoes were kicked off, like she was about to jump in. ‘What the hell were you doing down there?!’

‘She’s a f*cking psycho, is what she is!’ Kevin shouted behind her. ‘She looked like a f*cking zombie who just kept walking into the water. Your friend’s a wack job, sister.’

‘Shut up!’ Sara yelled over her shoulder as I pulled myself up to sit on the edge of the pool. ‘Just get the f*ck away from us!’

‘You don’t have to tell me twice,’ he said. ‘Fucking psycho.’ He continued rambling as he walked across the parking lot with the paper bag in his hand.

‘Are you okay?’ Sara asked as I coughed again, spitting up water.

I nodded. Sara sighed heavily. ‘Emma, that was messed up.’ She helped me to my feet, shaking her head.

Sara waited by the pool’s gate as I collected my tote bag. I was about to grab the nearly empty bottle of vodka when she demanded, ‘Leave it.’ I released my grip and silently followed her into the motel room.

Puddles of water trailed from my wet jeans as I walked through the motel room and into the bathroom. I stripped off the sopping clothes and stood under the blast of hot water in the shower until it turned cold. I still couldn’t feel a thing. No emotion. No sensation. No thoughts. And the voices were vanquished.

I fumbled for a towel to wrap around my head and another to cover my body. The scratchy white material barely covered me. Sara sat at the small round table on a stained fabric-covered chair. She raised her head when I emerged from the fog-filled bathroom, clouds of vapour billowing out after me.

I avoided eye contact as the room swirled around me. My feet were finding it difficult to hold me up. I plopped down on the edge of the bed and pressed my palms against my eyes.

‘I know you don’t want to be here,’ Sara said quietly, fighting her emotions. ‘I can only imagine how hard this is for you. But, Emma, you’re not alone. And you have to realize that you have people who care about you. Who want to help you.’

I blinked heavily and raised my eyes to focus on her.

‘You can’t keep pushing everyone away.’ She stood up from the chair, her body tense. ‘You can’t keep doing this, because one of these days, you’ll wake up and have no one.’

I squinted my eyes up towards her, her words echoing in my head. ‘What?’

‘I’m not going to let you,’ Sara’s passionate plea took on strength with each word. ‘I won’t let you push me away too.’ When I still didn’t react, she pressed her lips together, and her eyes watered. ‘Do you hear what I’m saying?! Emma, look at me!’

I lolled my head to the side, having difficulty balancing it on my shoulders.

‘Goddammit, Em!’ she cried, shaking her head. Her jaw tensed, and her fingers curled into fists. ‘I’m not going to let you do this to yourself! No matter what. I won’t let you end up like your mother!’