Out of Breath (Breathing, #3)(42)

‘Why do you put up with me?’ I questioned, my voice slightly above a whisper.

‘Maybe I like being tortured,’ he responded playfully.

I laughed.

‘I like making you laugh.’ His mouth formed that adorable tilted smile. ‘It’s not easy, but it’s worth the effort. And I like getting you naked.’ He leaned in and kissed me, running his warm hand along my back. ‘I didn’t like what happened the last two days. I really thought … we were over.’ He pulled away so he could look me in the eye. ‘Is that what you want? To be over?’

I shook my head ever so slightly. It wasn’t the answer I should have given, but it was the truth. ‘But I can’t let you in, and that’s not fair to you.’

‘Let me decide that.’

I released a resigned breath. ‘Promise me one thing.’

‘What’s that?’

‘That you’ll leave, that you’ll walk away when I’m too much. Before I hurt you. I don’t want to hurt you, but I’m not strong enough to give you up.’

‘I won’t let you hurt me, Emma. I swear.’ He held me captive in the depths of his blue eyes, before leaning in and pressing against my lips. Cole rested his head back down on the pillow. I watched him close his eyes and eventually drift to sleep.

As I watched Cole beside me I found my thoughts drifting towards Jonathan. No one could ever love you.

I squeezed my eyes shut against the hate that had spewed from my mouth. He wasn’t going to call me back, and I didn’t blame him.

My search for redemption was futile. Words couldn’t be unspoken, and the damage they did was irreparable. I knew that better than most.

But there was something more that kept me from falling asleep. Jonathan was planning to do something he could never undo – I needed to find him. I had to go to New York. If that’s where he was, then that’s where I needed to be.

I was roused by the sound of my phone vibrating. Lifting my heavy head, I peered at the clock. It was after four in the morning. I was about to roll back under the protection of Cole’s arm when panic set in. Jonathan.

The phone fell silent. I slipped out of the bed and knelt on the floor, frantically searching the clothes abandoned on the floor in the dark. I slid a T-shirt that smelled of Cole over my bare skin and located my shorts just as my phone started up again. Seated next to the bed, I held it up and paused at the sight of the McKinleys’ number on my screen.

I sighed, bracing for a lecture on the other end of the phone, assuming Sara had arrived home and called me as soon as it was daylight, not caring about the three-hour time difference. But just as I said, ‘Hello,’ it struck me that it wasn’t possible for Sara to be home yet, and dread crashed into my stomach like a large stone thrown from a cliff.

‘Emma?’ Anna confirmed. ‘Emma, honey, it’s Anna.’

I couldn’t breathe.

‘Hi, Anna,’ I managed to choke out. Her voice was alarmingly distraught, even in the few words she’d said.

‘Emma, something awful has happened,’ Anna continued, her voice cracking. ‘It’s your mother.’ She paused. ‘She took her life late last night.’

I was in the dark, deep in a hole that chilled me to the bone. I couldn’t see. I couldn’t hear. I couldn’t feel anything except the cold. I clutched my knees to my chest and began rocking my trembling body.

‘Emma? Are you there?’

Her voice was a distant buzz in my ear. ‘Honey, can you say something?’

‘She’s dead,’ I muttered, my voice sounding foreign, like it was coming from outside of my body.

‘Yes. I’m so sorry.’ Anna’s voice wavered. ‘We’re going to get you home as soon as we can. I’m making arrangements now, okay?’

Her voice disappeared, and I was isolated in the dark again, unable to hear her. I lowered the phone and braced myself against the frigidness that enveloped me.

I hate her, Sara, I hate her so much … I wish she were dead.

‘Emma?’ Meg broke through the voices. I squinted up at her in confusion. The room was so bright with the overhead light, it felt like I was staring into the sun. ‘Emma, can you hear me?’ She knelt down next to me, slowly coming into focus. Alarmed, I glanced around and noticed that there were more people in my room. Peyton was sitting on the bed, and Serena was on the floor on the other side of me, holding my hand.

I glanced up and saw Cole, watching me from within the open doorway. Luke and James were in the hall, talking softly.

My eyes flicked from face to face in confusion. Then I remembered. The air was expelled from my lungs as if my chest had been punctured. ‘Did I wake you?’ I questioned, focusing on Meg’s sorrowful green eyes.

‘No, you didn’t wake us,’ she assured me. ‘Sara’s mom called me. Emma, I’m so sorry.’

She wrapped her arms around my shoulders as Serena squeezed my hand. I patted her on the back gently, trying to console her. I was still in the dark, unable to connect with what was happening. So I let her hold me for as long as she needed.

‘I’ll see you when I get back.’ I hugged Meg and Serena at the kerb of the airport drop-off. Then I turned to face Cole. He examined me as if I were made of glass that was slowly cracking, fearing I’d shatter with the slightest pressure. ‘I’ll see you in Santa Barbara before you know it.’