Out of Breath (Breathing, #3)(31)

I dug deeper into the sand and forced myself forward, needing to silence the voices that reminded me of every reason I wasn’t worthy of letting anyone get close to me. My own voice among them. I fought for the control that continued to evade me with each pant, but even as I stumbled to a stop, I knew I couldn’t outrun who I really was.

‘You really push yourself,’ Cole noted as I stood below the deck, breathing heavily. I looked up with a start. ‘I’m cooking chicken. Thought we could make sandwiches. Is that okay?’

‘Sure,’ I responded, trying to recover. I trod up the steps and pushed my sandy sneakers off on the deck. Continuing into the spare bedroom to shower, I hoped to rinse away the emotions that were twisting inside me.

We sat on the deck with our attention on the ocean. Not talking. And it occurred to me how much of our time together had been spent that way. Cole didn’t ask me about myself. He just allowed me to tell him whatever I wanted. He was comfortable in this silence. I was not.

Sitting next to him without the distraction of a conversation made me all too aware of everything about him. The quiet contemplation that reflected in his tranquil eyes as he looked out at the sea. His relaxed posture, leaning back into the chair with his feet resting on the lower railing of the deck. The effortless strength his body exuded. There was an energy between us, wrapped in silence, that communicated in a way I had never experienced before.

We returned to the couch after we ate, hovering over the puzzle, which was beginning to resemble the mountain scene on the box cover, with wisps of clouds stretched against blue skies.

‘There is something addictive about this.’ I joined another cluster of pieces together. ‘I don’t get it, but I can’t quit. Maybe it’s the challenge. Needing to see it completed, no matter how tedious.’

‘Maybe it’s because once you put all the pieces together, you end up with something beautiful.’ A light shiver trailed along my back when I found his soothing blue eyes soaking me in.

‘I think I’ve figured out what your next thing should be,’ he said softly, capturing me in his gaze.

‘You have?’ I whispered.

‘Something that will make your heart beat fast,’ he murmured. ‘Something that will make you forget everything else around you. I could be wrong, but I think I know what that is.’

‘Yeah?’ I said softly, my pulse erratic. The air between us had stilled, and he was inches away. I remained focused on the intense hue of his eyes, unable to move until I felt the tickle of his breath on my face. I closed my eyes, and his lips pressed softly, ever so gently, against my mouth. Everything ceased to exist except the tenderness of his kiss and the slow movement of his full lower lip over mine. I wasn’t breathing. I wasn’t thinking. I was filled with a tingling current that sent a rush through my body. When he pulled away, I kept my eyes closed, enraptured.

My lids slowly rose, and he was waiting for me, the corner of his mouth raised teasingly. I exhaled and melted against the couch.

‘That was list-worthy.’ My voice sounded fragile. The tingling buzz gradually dissipating. ‘I’m going to have a hard time coming up with something after that.’

Cole laughed.

When I went to bed that night, I lay awake for a long time. I can’t do this – the words repeated over and over in my head, the panic building with each moment of inaction. I sat up and stared at the door.

Running my fingers through my hair, I bit at my lip in contemplation. I needed to go. To leave here. To get away from him … and that kiss. That kiss that ignited a craving I didn’t know how to suppress. A craving to feel. To fill the bottomless void that had splintered open when I left Weslyn. I yearned to feel something … anything. Even if it was wrong.

I crawled out of the bed and decided I’d ask Cole to drive me to Peyton’s. She and Tom were getting back late from Catalina, but they must be home by now. I didn’t care that it was the middle of the night. It was only a fifteen-minute drive.

I dressed and dropped my bag in the living room before approaching his door, staring at it for a full minute, my chest heaving dramatically as I summoned the courage to knock. I raised my hand and rapped lightly.

‘Cole?’ I called to him. If he didn’t answer, then I’d just turn around and go back to my room. I was a wreck with nerves, waiting in front of his door. What the hell was I thinking?

‘Yeah,’ he answered, ‘you can come in.’

I swallowed hard and opened the door. ‘You awake?’ This was the dumbest thing I could have said, since he had just answered me.

‘What’s wrong?’ he questioned. I could barely make out his silhouette, propped up on his elbow in the bed. I didn’t move any closer than the two steps I’d taken into his room.

‘Can’t sleep,’ I explained feebly, pulling at the hem of my T-shirt. ‘And, um …’ The one sentence that I’d repeated over and over in my head, I need to leave, never escaped my mouth.

He inspected me silently for a moment. ‘Come lie down, Emma.’

My eyes widened.

‘You can stay on top of the blankets,’ he suggested. ‘We’ll talk, and maybe you can fall asleep.’

‘Okay,’ I rasped, cautiously moving closer to his bed. It smelled of his crisp, fresh scent. Cole shifted over to allow me plenty of room. Ignoring my protesting conscience, I smoothed the blankets and settled down on top.