Out of Breath (Breathing, #3)(30)

‘What do you mean? I thought there was a list. You know, like a bucket list for the new year?’

‘Not really,’ I confessed. ‘When you ask me, I just say the first thing that comes to mind. I never wanted to do those things until you made me say them. And then I actually wanted to do them. So I figure you can pick the next thing. It’s your fault I have the list to begin with, and you seem to always witness whatever it is anyway.’

Cole inspected me, uncertain if I was serious. Then he began laughing.

And he kept laughing.

‘Stop,’ I demanded, trying to be upset as I shoved his shoulder. But the more he laughed, the more difficult it was to stay annoyed, and my lips eventually curled up. ‘Okay! Don’t choose. I don’t need to add to my stupid list anyway.’

‘What qualifies?’ he finally asked after he’d gained control again.

‘Huh?’

‘What’s worthy of the list? What’s the criteria?’ he specified.

‘Well …’ I contemplated carefully for a moment. ‘It has to be something that gets my blood pumping, my adrenaline surging.’

‘That’s a given,’ he goaded. I rolled my eyes.

‘It should be something that’s all-consuming and makes me forget everything else. Strips me of every thought and whisks away the pain.’

‘Pain?’

‘I mean, uh …’ I cringed, silently cursing myself for being so honest, ‘anything that’s bothering me. You know, if I’m having a bad day and just need to forget about things. Something that makes everything go away. Make sense?’

‘I get it.’ Cole’s eyes flickered across my face, like he wanted to ask me something, but he held it in. ‘I think I can come up with something. Give me time to think about it?’

‘Sure,’ I shrugged, freaking out on the inside.

We continued to work on the puzzle for another hour. But this time, Cole brought up music, and the conversation flowed from there. I soon discovered we had more in common that I’d initially surmised.

‘Aren’t you supposed to go surfing?’ I asked, noticing the sun had finally burned away the cloud cover.

‘I can go tomorrow,’ he answered casually. ‘I’ll hang out with you today.’

I stared at the puzzle without moving a single muscle. I didn’t want him to hang out with me today, because I very much wanted him to hang out with me today.

‘And why do you look like you’re about to throw up?’

‘I, uh …’ I stuttered. ‘Um …’ I really wanted to jump off the couch and leave. But I didn’t have a car, and I didn’t have anywhere to go. ‘I, um …’

‘It’s okay,’ he assured me with an amused shake of his head. ‘If you prefer to be by yourself, just say it. I felt bad leaving you alone, since Peyton won’t be back until tonight. But I have friends I can visit.’

‘Sorry. I’m being stupid. I guess I haven’t figured out how to act around you yet.’

‘You honestly say the strangest things. No wonder I can’t read you,’ he said with a low chuckle. ‘Just be yourself, Emma. Relax. I’m not going to hurt you.’

But I may hurt you.

Peyton would be back tonight. How much damage could I do in one day? He barely liked me, so I could ignore the pull I was feeling towards him for a day. Just one day.

‘Okay,’ I conceded with a breath. ‘What did you have in mind?’

He jumped off the couch. ‘Let’s go to the zoo.’

‘The zoo?’ I questioned with my brows pulled together.

‘I’m not the skydiving, drag-racing kind of guy, Emma. I told you that. Let’s go to the zoo.’

We returned to the house hours later, full of French fries and ice cream.

‘That wasn’t so bad, right?’ Cole prodded, tossing his keys on the table.

‘No,’ I laughed. ‘I never thought I’d feed a giraffe, so thank you.’ There was a pause, and Cole grinned at me with that ridiculous lopsided grin of his. With those lips that made me want to …

‘I think I’ll go for a run.’ I needed time to detox from being around Cole all day. My skin was still humming from the number of times he’d inadvertently brushed his arm against mine as we strolled along the paved path. And of course it had to be one of the prettiest zoos ever, making the urge to hold his hand that much more intense. My head was spinning, along with my moral compass. I needed to get away from him.

‘I’ll throw something on the grill,’ he announced. ‘We’ll eat when you get back.’

I disappeared down the beach, leaving him on the deck, heating up the grill.

I hadn’t let anyone close to me since I’d moved to California. Even my room-mates didn’t really know me.

My freshman year I’d basically been a recluse – shutting out everyone and disconnected from any emotion. This year, I’d struggled to maintain control, and I’d lost it several times already. This all happened to coincide with the night Cole had entered my life. And now … I was feeling again. Way too much. And I was afraid. So very afraid of what might happen next if I wasn’t able to tuck everything back into the darkness, where it belonged.

We’re just as bad as they are, with our lies and deceit. We destroy people’s lives.