Down Too Deep (Dirty Deeds, #4)(99)

“I know. I wanted to see you.”

“Don’t tell me what you wanted to do,” she bit out. “You should’ve done something about it. Do you have any idea what that did to them?” Jenna didn’t point or gesture behind her and she didn’t need to. I knew who she meant. “You disappeared. You dropped them, Nathan, after seeing you practically every day for two and a half months.”

“Jenna, that shit I was going through…and what I’m still going through, it fucked me up. Thursday—”

“Of course, I get it.” She jabbed at her chest. “I know how difficult Thursday was for you. I understand. I will always understand, but they can’t, Nathan. My kids will never understand why you don’t want to be around them.”

“It wasn’t them, Jenna.”

“Who was it, then? Me?” Her bottom lip began to tremble. “Because you didn’t want me with you while you went through that. You made that very clear…”

“No.” I moved closer, reaching out, and took her sweet face between my hands. “Fuck, no, it wasn’t you,” I rasped. “It wasn’t anyone. I wanted you there. I always want you there…You have no idea what I feel for you.”

“You asked me to leave.” She grabbed my wrists and pulled my hands down. “What could you possibly feel for me if you could do that?” I watched big tears roll down her cheeks. “I needed you to need me,” she whispered. “I wanted it so bad…”

“I do need you.”

“Stop, Nathan.” She pulled back when I wiped her face.

“I can’t. I can’t see you like this and do nothing.” I slid even closer until her knees pushed into my leg and held on to her hands. We stared at each other.

I had to let her in. Now. I had to tell her.

“I messed up a lot with Sadie, Jenna.” I felt her hand tense in mine. “I missed things. I know I did. She could’ve been asking me for help and I didn’t see it. I don’t know how I could do that. I loved her…But there are things I know I overlooked. When she wanted to go back to work weeks before her maternity leave was up, I didn’t know that was her way of telling me she was having a hard time. Now I know it was.”

“You don’t know that for sure.” Jenna spoke softly. Sweetly. Her hand held on to mine now. She was trying to make me feel better, despite how massively I had fucked things up.

And God, I loved her for that.

“No, I do. I know it for sure,” I argued. “Sadie loved her job, but she was so fucking excited for Marley. We both were.”

Jenna looked at me. She didn’t argue it now. She couldn’t.

“I have this dream about her sometimes.” My chest moved deeply as I breathed. “That night me and you were together, that first night when I called out for Sadie…I always dream the same thing. Not every night, but enough. It scares the shit out of me when I have it.”

“What do you dream?”

“I wake up. She wakes me up.” I smiled a little at the memory. “It’s our last day together. I can remember it clearly. It plays out just like it happened, but after I leave for work, I’m still there with her. In my dream I can see her…I follow her around and she’s struggling. She’s wishing I’d stayed and she wants me there. And I think it’s the fact that I don’t know what happened that fucks me up so bad. I don’t know what she was feeling and I don’t know if she hesitated taking those pills, if she was waiting for me…I don’t know. I’ll never fucking know.”

“Have you talked to anyone about it?”

“No. Only you.”

“Nathan, you should probably talk to someone—”

“I only want to talk to you about it. I should’ve already.” I lifted my glasses to wipe wetness from my eyes. “Thursday would’ve been difficult to handle if I’d simply forgotten, but I have guilt already when it comes to Sadie—I always will. I didn’t see her when she was alive, Jenna, and I have no problem seeing you. I will never have that problem.” She blinked at me. “I messed up. I’m sorry I told you to leave. I’m sorry I acted like I didn’t want you there…I did. I should’ve called. I should’ve been here sooner. I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.” I stroked my thumb along her cheek, leaning closer. “I can’t lose you.”

“Nathan…”

“You were right.”

She studied me. “About what?”

“How scary it is to love someone this much. It is completely terrifying.”

Her pink lips slowly parted. She inhaled sharply and pulled back, letting my hand fall away. “I don’t think we should do this,” she whispered.

I stared at her mouth. I waited for the words, to hear them again. I must’ve misunderstood her. We shouldn’t do this?

“What?” I asked.

Jenna moved my hands out of her lap, depositing them into my own, then pushed to her feet and stood on the sidewalk. She clutched at the strap across her body with both hands, like she needed something to hold, and if it wasn’t that, it might’ve been me, and she couldn’t let it be me.

“Why shouldn’t we do this?” I pressed her, getting to my feet then as well. I stood in front of her. “What are you talking about?”