Down Too Deep (Dirty Deeds, #4)(100)

“I don’t think you’re ready.”

“To move on?” How can she think that? “Jenna, I am ready. I want to be with you.”

She quickly shook her head. “No, see? It’s not just me, Nathan. You can’t just want to be with me. And maybe this is my fault. Maybe I should’ve said something before we started anything. Then my kids wouldn’t have gotten hurt…I let them get attached to you. God, I wished for it. I wanted this to work so badly. It’s the only thing I’ve ever wanted…I want a family.”

Her tears fell, streaking down her face. She let them. She didn’t wipe them away, and when I stepped closer, needing to do it for her, Jenna took a step back.

“Jenna.” Her name was a plea on my lips.

“No. Please, don’t. I can’t do this. I’m not just looking for someone for me, you know? And maybe you’re ready to move on and date. That’s one thing, Nathan. But I don’t think you’re ready for me and my kids. You have no idea how deep into this they are already. Oliver worships you. I see the way he looks at you. He wants to be your son. He wants to throw like you and be as tall as you are. And Olivia, oh my God, she made this list in her little notebook. She wrote down all the reasons why you would be the best dad for her. She’s so in love with you, Nathan. They both are. And for six days you let them think you didn’t feel the same about them. You’re not ready.”

“Yes, I am.” I stepped closer, grateful when she didn’t move back. “I am ready.”

“They needed you, Nathan.”

“I need them. I need all three of you.” I hovered my hand above her cheek. “God, please, let me…I messed up, Jenna. I’m sorry. Let me fix this.”

She stared into my eyes as she wiped her own tears away. She wouldn’t let me do it. I lowered my arms and looked at her. My heartbeat pounded in my ears.

“Brian is going to take Oliver camping on Friday. I already asked him to.”

My muscles tensed. I suddenly couldn’t breathe.

“No,” I rasped. I wanted to scream it. “Let me take him.”

“I called you two days ago.” Her voice vibrated. “I asked you to let me know if you were going to take him or not and you didn’t. I should’ve stopped you when you agreed to do it and said it wasn’t a big deal, because it is a big deal. To Oliver and to me.”

“I didn’t mean it like that, come on.”

“How could you mean it, Nathan?” Her tone was incredulous. “You were literally saying it wasn’t a big deal…”

“I only said it like that because I wanted you to let me take him. Do you think I didn’t see what that meant to you? I knew you weren’t sure about it, and I wanted you to be sure, of me. I want to take him, Jenna. Let me take him.”

She thought for all of a second and shook her head. “It’s not a good idea.”

“Why?”

“I already told you why. You aren’t ready for this.”

“And I already told you—I am ready. I wouldn’t push this if I wasn’t. I would never purposely hurt those kids.”

When more tears streamed down Jenna’s face, I went to reach for her, but she held me back with her hand on my chest.

I grunted. “This is killing me. I want to hold you.”

“I wanted you to hold me yesterday. Where were you then?”

I pressed my lips together. Fair point. “Listen to me, okay?” I said. “I made a mistake, and I’m probably going to make more. Maybe a lot more. I’m not perfect, Jenna. And that family you want, the one I’m going to give you, it won’t be perfect either, but I swear to God, it’s going to be everything.”

Her breath caught and started hiccupping. “Nathan, please don’t make promises to me like that.”

I held her face with both hands, and she didn’t stop me that time.

“I love you and I love those kids, and I will fix this.” I stared deep into her eyes. “I’m not going anywhere. You’re going to see how much I need all three of you. You won’t question it again.” I wiped her tears away with my thumbs. She let me.

Progress.

“I can’t,” she whispered. “I’m still not sure.”

Slight setback. I could handle it.

“So I’ll get you there.”

“It might take me a while…or forever. I don’t know. You really hurt us, Nathan.” She pulled my hands away. “I think you should just go. I can’t talk about this any more tonight.”

“I need to say something to them. Can I come in first?”

“Um…I don’t know.”

“Jenna, I just want to apologize. That’s it. I won’t tell them I’m in love with you.” I paused when her head snapped up. “And I won’t tell them I love them, even though I really fucking love them. It’s a three-way tie with Marley at this point. Nobody’s in the lead. That could change though, once I see this list Olivia made…”

“Nathan.” Her eyes flared with panic.

“I won’t say any of that, just apologies. I promise.” I smiled at her.

She did not smile back.

Holy shit, I loved this woman.