Down Too Deep (Dirty Deeds, #4)(93)

“I’d rather Jenna not know about it than have her look at me any different.”

“Nathan.” My father shook his head and sighed through his nose.

“I can’t lose her, Dad.”

“You’re going to lose her if you don’t let her in.” We stared at each other for a moment. “You can’t worry about what-ifs, Nathan. That’s no way to live.” He brought his arms across his chest. “Your fear will make you miss out on a lot of things if you let it. Don’t forget how close you were to missing out on her.” He tipped his chin at Marley.

I pressed my mouth to her soft hair as I tried to imagine not knowing my daughter the way I did now. I couldn’t even fathom it.

And Jenna…the best parts of me were a tribute to her. What was I without her?

“I’m worried I’ll always be scared of this,” I said. “Not enough to keep me from being with Jenna though. There’s nothing that could stop me from that.”

“The risk is what you’re afraid of—how much you have to lose. I’d worry more if you weren’t scared of it, to be honest.”

I breathed a laugh, meeting his eyes. “You say that like you know how I feel.”

My father slowly smiled. “The moment I think I’m okay with the possibility of being without your mother is the moment I’ll need to reevaluate my entire life. I’m scared every day, son. Of loving her, of losing her. That’s how I know it’s right.”

Marley stirred awake in my arms then and lifted her head off my chest. She rubbed at her eye, then peered behind her at my dad.

“There’s my angel.” Dad sat forward, arms outstretched, and took her from me.

“TaTa!” Marley crawled into his lap and hugged him.

I watched the goofiest grin take up my father’s face, and I laughed. “I thought you hated that nickname.”

My father was supposed to be Pop Pop, but Marley had difficulty pronouncing that early on. TaTa stuck with her. You couldn’t get her to call him anything else.

“Oh, it isn’t so bad,” he said, rubbing her back. He watched me over the top of her head and smiled with emotion in his eyes. “Take the risk, Nathan. It’s scary, but it’s worth it.”

“I will. I want to.” God, did I want to.

I pulled out my phone, but paused before I made the call, and looked at him again. My intention must’ve been written all over my face, because I didn’t even need to ask the favor. He knew.

Dad got to his feet, holding Marley. “Your mother was wanting to visit, but she had some appointments she couldn’t move around. How about I take this one home with me and you can pick her up later?”

I stood then too. “That would be great. Thanks.” I leaned in and kissed Marley’s temple. Then I looked at my dad.

Fuck, I owed him. I owed him more than I could ever give back.

“There’s no need for any more words right now. Just give me a hug, son.” He held out his arm.

I stepped in, reciprocating the embrace.

After Dad drove off with Marley, I went upstairs and got showered and dressed, then drove over to Jenna’s apartment.

I knocked on her door. No one answered.





Chapter Twenty-Three





JENNA




Nathan had said he would call, so I waited for it. I didn’t reach out to him. I had pushed enough.

On Friday, the kids wondered why we weren’t hanging out with him and Marley, since we typically spent his days off together. On Saturday, they questioned why we weren’t going to his house like we normally would.

“Nathan has some things going on right now. He took the day off,” I told them.

Fortunately, the kids didn’t press any further. Until Sunday, when again, our routine was disrupted. We should’ve been with Marley.

“What’s going on with Nate, Mom?” Oliver asked.

The kids were seated together on the couch, sharing Olivia’s iPad since Oliver’s needed to charge. I took a seat on the edge of the coffee table and looked between them.

“Is he sick?” Olivia wondered. “We can still be around Marley if he’s sick. We probably should be…She might catch it. We should just bring her over here and let her stay with us.”

“No, he isn’t sick.”

I hadn’t planned on explaining what was going on with Nathan to either one of them. It was his business and not mine to share. However, both Oliver and Olivia knew what had happened to Sadie. And even though I didn’t think they understood it fully, they were understanding of it. Sensitive and sympathetic to Nathan and Marley both. And because of that, I felt comfortable giving them a partial explanation.

I told them it had been the anniversary of Sadie’s death and that Nathan needed some time with Marley so that they could think about her. I said Marley should be with her dad right now and explained how the two of them could help each other through this.

I expected Oliver and Olivia’s agreement and acceptance. I think they tried for it. But even though I knew them better than I knew anyone, I forgot—they were still only eight-year-old kids. They felt everything on a deeper, personal level. They wouldn’t always understand reasoning that wasn’t their own. And their emotions were unflinching and uncontrollable more often than not.