Down Too Deep (Dirty Deeds, #4)(89)

Heat burned across my face. I suddenly felt cornered, blamed for Nathan’s distress and the anger he was feeling.

“I don’t know what you would’ve wanted me to do…just hand you your phone back and act like I didn’t know? I couldn’t do that.”

His nostrils flared. I wasn’t the only one getting irritated with this exchange.

“If you weren’t here, it wouldn’t have happened. It wouldn’t have been you telling me.”

“Okay. Coming over today was a mistake. It shouldn’t have happened.”

He shook his head as if to argue.

“What? Nathan, that’s what you just said…”

“That’s not what I meant. I don’t regret what happened four hours ago in this room or how I felt…I don’t regret any of that. Do you?”

“No, of course not. I didn’t mean it like that. I’m not saying that was a mistake.”

“Then what are you saying?” he asked.

“I’m still trying to understand why you’re mad at me for this.”

“I’m not mad at you. Jesus Christ.” He gripped his hair. “How could you think I’m mad at you?”

“How could I not? You keep saying it’s me. I shouldn’t have been here. I shouldn’t have told you…”

“I’m not mad at you for telling me. I’m angry that it was you who told me, okay? It’s—” He paused, his jaw tight. “Fuck, this is frustrating…”

“It is.”

He wanted me here. He didn’t. He wasn’t mad at me. He was absolutely mad—that was certain. My head was spinning.

“I don’t know how else to say it. I can’t explain this to you…”

“You’re not really trying to explain it though.”

He stared at me. “What? Yes, I am.”

“You just keep repeating the same thing, Nathan. That’s not explaining.”

“Because I don’t know how else to tell you! It shouldn’t have been you, Jenna! That’s it! And if you weren’t here right now, it wouldn’t have been you.”

“Well, maybe if you would’ve remembered…”

Nathan blinked, jerking back as if I’d slapped him. I might as well have.

My mouth immediately dropped open, which I quickly covered with my hand. Oh my God. How could I say that? I shook my head, gearing up for the apology of my life. I didn’t mean that at all…

“I’m so sorry,” I rushed out, my hand sliding down my neck. “I don’t know why I said that. I don’t feel that way, Nathan. I swear.”

God, how did this conversation get so out of control?

“No, you’re right,” he said somberly. “This is on me. I mean, I should’ve remembered…” He looked down and rubbed the back of his neck. “I should’ve done a lot of things…” His voice trailed off.

“I don’t know where that came from. I think it’s just, we’re having difficulty understanding each other and we’re both getting frustrated…We were bound to say something we didn’t mean.”

“This is why I didn’t want to get into this tonight.”

He hadn’t, and he’d made that known. This was on me.

“I pushed you. It’s my fault.”

“I’m too angry with myself. I never should’ve raised my voice to you.” He lifted his head, and there was so much sadness and regret in his eyes now, it stole my breath.

I went to move closer. I wanted to hold on to Nathan so badly, I felt like I needed it, but he gestured at the door with his hand, halting me where I stood.

“I should go downstairs and get Marley,” he said. He left off and you should leave, but I still heard it. How could I not?

Our conversation might’ve been a string of misunderstandings and misspoken words, but Nathan was clear on one thing. He didn’t want me here right now. He didn’t want to do this tonight, with me.

I was the factor.

“Thank you for taking care of her while I was on the phone. I think I forgot to thank you for that,” he said.

“Of course. No thanks needed.”

I walked around him to grab my phone and keys and followed Nathan to the door, but I ended up leading him down the hallway and stairs when he stepped back, urging me to go ahead. We were silent as we walked. We’d said so much to each other minutes ago, and now I felt like I couldn’t speak.

The girls were still playing dominoes at the table when we got to the kitchen, giving no indication of either one of them hearing any parts of the conversation Nathan and I just had.

“Nate!” Olivia jumped out of her chair. “Check out this pattern. Isn’t it cool?”

Nathan unbuckled Marley and pulled her into his arms. “Yeah, it is. Good job.”

“Wanna build with us?”

I guided Olivia away from the table. “Go pack up your things, please. We need to go.”

Her face fell. “But we’re playing…”

“We need to be home before your brother gets there.”

Thank God for that. I knew Olivia would prolong this goodbye if I didn’t give her a reason to hurry.

“Fine.” My daughter dropped her head back and sighed, pouting into the family room and stepping in front of the couch. She packed up her duffle.