Down Too Deep (Dirty Deeds, #4)(91)

Why shouldn’t I?

It was mine to bear and mine alone.

*



It was Wednesday afternoon when a knock sounded at the door.

I stood from the couch with Marley asleep on my chest. We’d given up on naps in her crib two days ago. They were pointless anyway. As of recently, I wouldn’t let her out of my arms for long.

I wasn’t expecting anyone today, so I had no idea who I was about to come face-to-face with.

I pictured Jenna on my porch and wanted it to be her so fucking badly, even though I hadn’t reached out yet—I wasn’t ready to—but it wasn’t Jenna staring back at me when I opened the door. It was my father, and he was alone.

He never came here alone.

“Son,” he said, dropping his head into a nod. His gaze slid to Marley where she remained asleep, her head on my shoulder. “Now, that’s a sight I wasn’t sure I’d ever see three months ago.”

“What are you doing here?” I asked.

“Well, I wasn’t about to be ignored much longer, Nathan. Five days is my limit.” He stepped forward and paused to inquire, “May I come in?” even though we both knew he wasn’t waiting for permission.

I stepped aside and closed the door behind him.

“Let’s sit down,” he suggested, gesturing at the kitchen table before walking toward it. He pulled out two chairs that were side by side, letting me know without words where he wanted me to sit. “Would you like me to take her for a while?”

“No. She’s fine.” I hugged Marley against my chest as I sank into the chair. No way was I giving her up.

My father gazed over at me and smiled. “You been doing much besides that the past few days?”

“Not really.” There was no point in lying about it. I sighed into Marley’s hair. “I’m sorry I haven’t called or answered you. I’m just…” My chest grew impossibly tight. “I don’t know what I’m doing, Dad. I keep messing up.”

“What are you messing up, Nathan?”

“I forgot,” I whispered. I turned my head and looked over at him. “How could I forget? What’s wrong with me?”

“Hey.” Dad leaned over and held onto the back of my neck. “There’s nothing wrong with you. Nothing, okay? Things happen. You’re finally living your life after two years of not doing that, and you just got caught up. Look how close the two of you are now. Don’t regret what you’ve done to get here.”

“I should’ve remembered…I keep letting her down. She’ll hate me eventually.”

“Who will?”

“Marley. I’m failing her, Dad.”

His mouth twitched. “I hate to tell you this, but you will constantly feel that way, son. It’s part of being a parent.” He gave my neck a squeeze before releasing me and sitting back. “You don’t think I have regrets when it comes to you?”

“Like what?” He was only saying that to make me feel better. How could my father have any regrets? I respected the hell out of him.

“Most recently, the past two years…”

When my eyes flared with confusion, Dad went on to explain.

“You were hurting, Nathan. I knew you were, and I sat back and watched you. I should’ve stepped in sooner. No matter how you chose to grieve or how long you needed to do it, I should’ve been there, at your side. I know that now.”

“But you and Mom…you took care of Marley when I couldn’t. How could you think you needed to do more?”

“Because I’m your father,” he stated simply. “And there will never come a time when I’ll think I’ve done enough when it comes to you.”

I swallowed the lump forming in my throat. Fuck, I wanted to cry.

“I shouldn’t have abandoned you the way I did before Memorial Day. I’m sorry about that too. At the time, I hadn’t seen another way to force you to change, but I should’ve done it differently.” He held my eyes. “I hope you can forgive me for that.”

Is he serious? “Dad, if you hadn’t done that, I wouldn’t have this.” I tipped my head down, gesturing at Marley. “Please stop apologizing to me.”

“Okay, then,” he said. “What about this woman you’ve been seeing? The one with the kids of her own. I’m surprised she isn’t here.” He glanced around the room. I stared at the table. “Son.”

“I need to call her.”

“Is there a reason you haven’t?”

“She knows I forgot. She was here on Thursday.”

“I see.” Dad was silent for a moment. “You don’t want her thinking you’re the kind of man to forget something like that.”

“That’s not all I’m worried about,” I said.

“Okay. What else is stopping you from calling her?”

I dropped my head and buried my face in Marley’s hair. Tears built in my eyes as my father laid a comforting hand on my shoulder. I couldn’t do this right now, but fuck, I wanted to. I wanted to get past this.

“What I feel for her—it’s more than I’ve felt for anyone, including Sadie.”

“And you don’t think you should feel that?”

“I don’t understand how I could feel it. I loved Sadie, Dad. I married her…What the hell am I feeling for Jenna if it’s already more than that?” And what will it become?