Don’t Let Me Go(95)

“You have to do this,” Grace said. “You told Felipe to stay up extra late, and now you have to get me to school.”

She tugged gently forward on his hand, gripping it tightly in both of hers.

“Yes,” Billy said. “The inevitability of the moment is not lost on me.”

“You’re so weird, Billy. Come on. Stop thinking about it and just do it.”

She pulled him forward, and he willed his feet to keep moving, to build some momentum. Next thing he knew he was down the stairs and out on to the sidewalk.

“I’d close my eyes,” he said, “but I’d probably trip or something.”

“You can close your eyes. I can lead you like you were a blind guy. I could be the guide dog.”

“I’m not sure it would help.”

“Try it.”

Billy closed his eyes and took four steps blind. And immediately pictured angry men in passing cars, muggers at the end of the block. All manner of miscreants, none of whom Grace would know enough to warn him about.

He opened his eyes again.

“That doesn’t help.”

“Right,” Grace said. “I was just thinking you can’t close your eyes on the way home, anyway.”

“Oh, thank you so much for reminding me of the way home.”

He stalled on the sidewalk. Grace tugged at his hand but could not restart him.

“I think I’m getting just a wee tiny bit panicky,” he said.

“I’m going to let go of your hand, but don’t you dare run home.”

She let go, and Billy remained rooted. He glanced over his shoulder.

“Don’t look back!” she shouted. “You know better than to do that. What if Jesse were here? What would he tell you?”

“Not to look back, I think.”

“You don’t think, you know.”

“Are your hands cold? Why are you rubbing your hands together like that?”

“I’m going to do reiki on you.”

“Right out here in front of everybody?”

“Got a better plan?”

So Billy stood a moment while Grace held her hands close to his belly, but not touching. He glanced around to see if anyone was watching. It didn’t seem to help much, but then, he figured, he wasn’t really cooperating. Instead of releasing his anxiety, he was drowning in fresh anxiety over receiving reiki in public from a nine-year-old.

“Let’s walk some more,” he said.

She grabbed his hand and pulled.

He walked two blocks on sheer willpower, and then stalled again.

“You have to do this, Billy. I can’t go the rest of the way alone. I’m not allowed.”

He opened his mouth to answer but found his voice disabled.

“OK, there’s just one more thing we can do. We’ll have to dance to school.”

Billy dug deeper in a desperate attempt to get his voice back.

“I can’t,” he said.

“You said it would work for me, and you were right. Now come on. Latin salsa.”

“I can’t. People will stare at me.”

“So? Let “em stare. That’s what you said to me.”

“I wish you wouldn’t always parrot back what I’ve said to you. It’s irritating.”

“Why? Because it’s true stuff?”

“Something like that.”

“Come on. Latin salsa. Right now. Unless you want to waltz.”

“I don’t think the waltz would work well in a straight line. It more takes you around in a circle.”

“Then start salsa dancing, Billy.”

Freshly out of options, he did as he was told.

Wonderful, he thought as they danced down the street together. The only thing worse than being out in public: being out in public behaving strangely and drawing attention. He reminded himself that he had done this before, with far less anxiety. But he didn’t even ask himself what the difference might have been. It was obvious. Jesse.

An older couple came out on to their porch to watch them go by. Four cars slowed down. One driver shook his head slightly before accelerating again. He heard someone call out, “Hey, Frankie, come ‘ere an’ see this,” but could not tell from which direction.

And then they arrived at Grace’s school. And Billy had to admit, though not out loud, that the blocks had flown by.

He leaned down and kissed Grace on the forehead.

“You just gonna run?” she asked.

He nodded, having misplaced his voice yet again.

“OK. See you after school. You can tell me how it went.”

Billy nodded one more time, and then took off sprinting.

He built up to a speed he could not recall having ever accomplished before. The houses and apartment buildings streaking by him seemed to stretch out, as if he were altering time by racing through it. The rasp of his own labored breathing sounded artificial and far away. Then the world began to whiten, and it dawned on him suddenly that he was probably in the middle of a steep oxygen deficit, and that if he didn’t slow down he might pass out. But he couldn’t bring himself to slow down.

And then, somewhere in that moment, he had an imagining. It wasn’t a hallucination. He didn’t literally see it. It just came into his head, with a strong picture.