Don’t Let Me Go(100)

“You already did,” Jesse said.

? ? ?

Grace came over three times on Saturday, once on Sunday morning, and then again on Sunday evening, when she brought Billy homemade chicken soup.

“Did Rayleen make this?” he asked.

“No. Jesse made it,” she said, scooping up the cat. “So…I came to ask you a question that I keep wanting to ask you, but then I get scared. You’re still coming tomorrow, right? Even after what happened?”

“Seems like I have to find a way,” he said, quietly, from the kitchen, where he had gone to get a soup spoon.

“That doesn’t feel like a definite, definite yes.”

He took a spoonful of the soup, which was intensely good. On top of everything else, Jesse was a good cook. Amazing. It bordered on the unfair.

“I’m going to tell you the most honest thing I can possibly tell you. I feel like I can’t. Like I just don’t have it in me. But I promised you I would. So I’m going to see if it’s possible to do something even though it’s impossible. Jesse says he’ll help, but I’m not sure what he can do.”

“Jesse can do it. Jesse can do anything. So, here’s how it’s gonna go. The assembly is last period. So you guys’ll get there a little before two. You have to go to the office and get a visitor pass. And then you just go into the auditorium. First there’s going to be this really stupid little play. See, not all the kids can do a talent, so they had to find a part for everybody. So then after the play this kid named Fred is gonna play the trumpet, and then Becky sings a song, and then me. I’m the big finish, which I think is a good sign. Saving the best for last, and all that. And then school’s over and I can go home with you guys. I know you’ll be there, Billy. I just know you will.”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence. Are you going to sleep tonight?”

“I hope. Jesse said he’d teach me a meditation for relaxing. Are you going to sleep?”

“I doubt it,” Billy said.

And, of course, he didn’t.

? ? ?

At noon on Monday, Jesse came to his door. It hurt to get up to answer it, but Billy did anyway. He was already clean, dressed and ready to go. Too ready. Too early.

“Grab some water to take these with,” Jesse said.

He dumped about twelve capsules from his hand into Billy’s. Billy stared at them as if they might identify themselves verbally.

“Not drugs,” Jesse said on their behalf. “Herbs. But pretty strong ones. Valerian root and kava kava. In large dosages. They should have a calming effect. They might make you a little drowsy.”

Billy barked a short laugh, and it hurt his ribs.

“Right. In public, in a school, relaxed enough to doze. That’ll be the day.”

“They can’t hurt.”

“True. Thank you.”

“You might want to go across the hall in about an hour. Rayleen wants to put some make-up on your black eyes and bruises. So you’ll feel more presentable.”

“Well, it’s a nice thought, but I don’t think we’re the same shade.”

“She made a special trip to the drugstore yesterday to buy foundation and concealer in a shade she thought would be a good match for you.”

“Oh. Then I’m incredibly sorry I just made that rude comment.”

“Don’t be. Don’t waste any energy on anything but what’s in front of you.”

“Good advice,” Billy said, feeling even more sobered by the terror of the day.

He swallowed all twelve of the capsules standing at his kitchen sink.

? ? ?

Billy sat at Rayleen’s kitchen table, awkwardly unsure of where to look as she tenderly applied make-up to his nose and around his eyes. Now and then he winced, and she apologized. And he had to tell her over and over again to stop apologizing.

“Where’s Jesse?” he asked.

“Helping Mrs. Hinman down the stairs. Then he’s going to bring the car around.”

“Mrs. Hinman’s coming? But she can’t…Wait. Car? Jesse has a car?”

“Sure. How’d you think he was getting back and forth to see his mother?”

“But he flew out here.”

“And then he bought a cheap used car to get around while he was here.”

Billy wanted to ask what Jesse’d do with the car when he flew home. But he didn’t want to introduce the idea of Jesse flying away. Not to Rayleen. Not to himself.

“There,” Rayleen said. “Not bad if I do say so myself. Here. Take a look at yourself in the mirror.”

Billy accepted the mirror, and, for the second time in three days, regarded his own face. She’d done a great job on the bruises. They had all but disappeared. Of course she couldn’t fix the swelling of his nose or the broken blood vessel in his eye. It was hard to focus off that, but he tried. He tried to just take in his face.

“Much less beaten-up-looking,” he said. “Still older.”

“None of us are getting younger.”

“But you got older one day at a time. I took on twelve years all in one sitting.”

? ? ?

Jesse held the door of the school open for him. Billy walked into the tiny hallway, his vision darkened by the loan of Jesse’s sunglasses. He felt Jesse’s shoulder pressed against his on the right, Felipe’s shoulder on the left. He felt their arms hooked through his, as if holding him up, transporting the wounded. In Jesse’s other hand Billy saw a single long-stemmed red rose. Billy assumed he’d brought it for Grace, but hadn’t asked. He glanced over his shoulder to be sure Rayleen and Mrs. Hinman were still back there. Rayleen pointed toward the office as if she knew exactly where to find it. Maybe she did.