Don’t Let Me Go(94)

When Grace led him up to the doorway, he looked up at Billy and smiled sleepily, then yawned.

“OK. I’m here, my friend. Ready when you are.”

His accent was thicker than usual, probably owing to his being mostly asleep.

Then he gave Billy a quick, one-armed hug. It almost made up for the lack of Jesse. To the extent that anything could ever make up for the lack of Jesse.

? ? ?

He stood shoulder to shoulder with Felipe, watching Grace walk through the schoolyard.

“So, that’s really something, then,” Felipe said.

“What is?”

“Oh. Sorry. I guess when I’m sleepy, I think out loud. I was thinking how when I first met you, you didn’t even go across the hall. And now here you are standing in front of Grace’s school.”

“Don’t remind me,” Billy said. “Six days left until Grace’s big day. And the hardest part of all is actually going inside the school. And I haven’t even tried it once.”

Billy sighed, and they turned and began the long walk home together.

“You’ll be fine,” Felipe said. “Look at all you did so far.”

“If Jesse’s there, I’ll be fine. But he might not be.”

“What’s so special about Jesse?” Felipe asked. “No, you know what? Never mind. I sort of know. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I know what you mean. When people are having trouble, he’s the guy. Maybe he’ll be back on time.”

“I sure hope so. Sorry to get you up so early.”

“My own fault,” Felipe said. “I stayed up extra-late last night. I knew it was a mistake. I knew I’d pay big for it. But I did it anyway. You see…I sorta met a girl.”

“Really? That’s great.”

“Well, not really, I didn’t. Well, I mean…I did. She’s a girl. And I met her. But I don’t know much yet. You know. I just met her. But she came on as prep cook at my work. Clara, her name is. So we ended up going up on the roof of the restaurant and talking till three. Crazy, I know. But she’s so different from my last girlfriend. All quiet and shy. My last girlfriend was really pretty, too pretty, and she knew it. She knew what she had, and she never let me forget it. You know? So, listen. What did Jesse do that helped you when he walked with you? Anything special? Or was it just Jesse being Jesse?”

“Well. Let’s see. A little bit of both, I guess. He used to put one hand on my shoulder. But you don’t have to do that if you don’t want. It might look weird. But I think Jesse doesn’t care much what people think.”

A moment later Billy felt Felipe’s hand settle firmly on to his shoulder.

“Thanks,” Billy said.

“When I was a kid I was scared of the dark,” Felipe said. “Who knows why people are scared of things, right? If you are you just are. And my dad was kinda strict about stuff like that. You know. Being all independent and making him proud by doing everything just right. I was always supposed to be a man. You know? But when you’re five it’s kinda hard. So I’d just pretend I wasn’t scared. But it’s easier if you don’t have to pretend. That much I know. I know how it feels to be scared.”

Billy heard the rumble of a car engine, beefy and rough and with no appreciable muffler. His blood turned to ice when it slowed beside them.

He looked over to see a tough-looking Hispanic man leaning out the open driver’s window. The man made kissing noises at them.

Felipe’s hand dropped to his side.

“Maricones!” the man shouted cheerfully. “Es tan en amor, maricones!”

He stepped on the gas, and apparently the brake at the same time, and the tires spun with a screaming sound. The acrid smell of burning rubber filled Billy’s nostrils. Then the car blessedly sped away, the driver flipping his middle finger at them as he drove.

“Sorry,” Billy said quietly.

“No, don’t be sorry. I should be sorry to you. I don’t know why I took my hand away. I was just being your friend, anyway. I shoulda told that guy to bite me. Screw him. Screw ‘em all.”

Felipe put his hand back on Billy’s shoulder, more firmly and more affectionately this time, and they began to walk again.

“See now why I hate to go outside so much?”

“Yeah. I guess I do. But you gotta do it anyway, right? I mean, it’s life. You gotta do life. Right?”

“Not really,” Billy said. “You don’t have to. Lots of people don’t do life any more. They just stop at some point. And once you stop, it’s really hard to get started again. But then, once you get started again, it’s kind of hard to stop. What did that guy say to us?”

“You don’t want to know.”

They walked in silence for a block or two, that reassuring hand resting on Billy’s shoulder.

Then Billy said, “I can take her myself tomorrow.”

“Really?”

“Really. I have no idea how. But I will. You stay after work and talk to Clara. I’ll make it work somehow. I just will.”

? ? ?

“I’m holding your hand,” Grace said.

As if he wouldn’t know.

They stood in the open doorway of their building, the spring morning hitting Billy in the face. The same kind of morning as yesterday, he reminded himself. And dozens of days before that. Except it wasn’t. Because today he had to walk home alone. He swallowed hard against the pounding in his chest and temples, for no reason he could have explained.