Dear Heart, You Screwed Me(104)

“You screwed me, I screwed you, we screwed each other.” I could hear the exasperation in my voice. I twisted the door handle to let myself into my apartment. “Goodbye, Killian,” I whispered through the tears that began to fall, shutting the door on him and slipping the safety chain across. I waited a moment for my heart to stop racing before sliding down the door, bringing my knees to my chest and sobbing.





CHAPTER 45





It had been five days since my birthday. Five days since Killian broke his promise. Five days since I last spoke to him, and no doubt broke his heart as well as my own in the process. I lay on the sofa, looking at the ceiling. I was sleeping on it while my parents were here, they needed the bed more than I did. Plus, I forgot what sleep felt like.

I drum my fingers on top of my knuckles as I rested my hands on top of my bump. Turning my head, I saw my diary sitting on the coffee table. I had written in it every night, it was sort of like a coping mechanism. I wrote in it a hell of a lot once I lost Elijah. I got through two in the last three years, and my mum and dad gave me this one as a belated Christmas present. It was stunningly beautiful, black roses on the hardback leather with a pink heart in the centre. Subtle and understated but pretty.

I leant over, reaching for it and grabbing the pen that sat next to it. Opening the first few pages, I skimmed through them until I found my silk ribbon that indicated where I got to last night.

It was a good anger release, and by the time I had written it all out I burst into tears and let out the pain I was feeling.

I cried silently, I didn’t want my parents hearing me and I didn’t want to go into what was triggering me. I had lost a great love once, I wasn’t going to let myself lose another one. So the best thing for me to do was to put my walls up and focus on being the best mum I could be to our daughter.

Tapping the pen on the paper, I felt my eyes begging to well. I was sick of crying. I was sick of being sad and hurt because people don’t think about the consequences of their actions.

Dear Heart,



You screwed me.

Killian Hayes screwed me.

I screwed myself.



I question myself every second of the day of how I ended up in this mess. This wasn’t the plan I had in mind. This wasn’t how I saw my future, but yet, here I am.

I wanted to trust and believe what the tarot card reader said to me, I wanted to believe that Elijah was working the puppet strings above us to make my life perfect but it didn’t seem that way. It seemed that I was the only one getting hurt repeatedly. The only other guy I felt I was falling for couldn’t even show for my birthday. A small, silly promise that he failed to keep. To some it might not be a big deal, but to me it was a huge deal. I didn’t trust easily after losing Elijah, but something about Killian felt like home to me. Like we had known each other so much longer than just under a year. We had a connection, emotionally and physically and I couldn’t deny that. He felt familiar, he felt like someone I had met before in another life.

We agreed to be friends because we couldn’t be anything more than that. We were toxic. We were going to always end up a disaster. Some people just weren’t meant to get their happily ever after and I truly believe that I am one of them.



But, come to think of it… I was going to get my happily ever after. My daughter. My little rainbow. My hand-picked gift from heaven itself, from my guardian angel. She was going to be my happily ever after… maybe this was my new sole purpose in life. To be a mum to this perfect, baby girl that would be coming into my life in about five to six months. She would show me a love like I have never felt before, a connection that runs so much deeper than the surface, a bond that would never be broken. We would always be tied together.

Me and Her.

Her and Me.

She would be the only person I would love most in this world. No one would compare to her.

My darling daughter.

I know she will heal me; she will show me this devastating world in a completely new light like I have never seen it before.

I will become a better person for her. I need to.





“It’s me and you baby girl,” I whispered as I rubbed my bump gently, her little kicks always reminding me she was right here with me. She would always be here with me.

Dear Heart,

I won’t let you screw this up.

This was a test and I have passed with flying colours.

I am not going to shed one more tear over Killian fucking Hayes.





The next morning, my parents were up and out early. They flew home later this evening and wanted a few bits to take back with them. I pottered around the apartment and tidied up. Not that it needed much, I just wanted to keep my mind busy.

Dumping all my emotions into my diary felt good, but it didn’t completely rid me of my guilt or emotions. I knew I was being harsh with Killian, but I couldn’t keep forgiving him for him to just tear me down again.

I was too vulnerable and delicate for this.

Chopping the pillows on the sofa, I sprayed some air freshener round to cover the stuffiness. I slipped the large window up, the sweet, fresh spring air filling my apartment suddenly.

I smiled as I inhaled deeply filling my lungs. Today was going to be a good day.

Padding through my bedroom, I grabbed some clothes before stripping down and having a warm shower. The water felt good on my aching shoulders and back. The sofa was comfortable but not suitable for a bed.