Come Back for Me (Arrowood Brothers #1)(83)

“Can you watch Hadley until I get back?” I ask already getting to my feet.

“Of course, but where are you going at four in the morning?”

I force a mangled smile and rise to my feet. “I’m going to go see the two people who I need to talk to and hope they’re listening.”

I know that I will never find anyone like him again. He is my once in a lifetime. The problem isn’t whether I love him or not, because I will love him for the rest of my life. It’s finding a way to let it go.

And there’s only one place I can think to go.

Sydney pulls me into her arms. “I’m so sorry you’re hurting, Ellie. No one in this world deserves it less than you. But I want you to know that, while it’s no excuse for Connor to lie to you, those kids had it rough growing up and it screwed with their heads. I also want you to remember that I know how you feel right now, and that, even after eight years, there isn’t a day that goes by I don’t wish I could go back and make Declan mine again.”

And that’s what I worry about. The regret that letting him go will leave a gaping hole in my heart forever.

“I appreciate that.”

She smiles, a look of understanding fills her eyes. “Go, I’ll watch Hadley.”

“Thank you, Syd.”

“Anytime. Go find your answers, and then ask yourself if your life is better or worse without Connor Arrowood? Chances are you already know the answer.”

I lean in and kiss her cheek. “I always wanted a best friend. Thank you for being that.”

I rush out of the house and get in the car. The last few days have been hell. My eyes are puffy, my hair is a mess, and my heart is mangled. I think about the question she asked, and I know the answer. My life is worse.

My world is sad and lonely.

He brought richness, love, and understanding into our life.

Connor showed Hadley and I what tenderness is.

All I want is his arms around me.

At night, I’ve clutched the pillow, wishing I could feel his warmth. I know what it feels like to leave someone and it be the right choice, this isn’t that.

I park the car and walk through the cemetery gates with my legs shaking. I’m tired. I’ve been up all night, my nerves are shot, and I feel broken inside.

And I miss him.

If this is what two days feels like, a lifetime without him will be unbearable.

I lower to kneeling in front of my parents’ headstones and place one hand on each of them. “I found it all out, and I feel worse than before. How could I love the man who knew all along what happened to you? How can I have a life with someone who was there and didn’t tell anyone? Whose father is the person who took you from me?”

I sit back on my heels and wipe away a tear. “I’m so confused, and I have no one. The last few months, I’ve had him, but—” I look up at the sky, wishing I could see her, and take a gulping breath. “But then I think about how he must’ve felt, and it just makes my guilt worse. Am I betraying you and everything I promised? His father is dead, and I can’t make him pay, but you deserved so much more than what you got. You and Daddy shouldn’t be in this cold ground.”

“It should be me,” Connor’s deep voice says from behind me. I freeze, unable to think let alone move. “Your family was whole, and my father broke it. And then I did a bang-up job of hurting you.”

“What are you doing here?” I ask, still not looking back.

“I felt like I should pay my respects and explain myself to them. I’ve come here once a month since I’ve been back.” His voice is getting closer, and my breathing accelerates. “I was going to go when I saw you, but I was worried.”

“I’m not okay,” I tell him the truth.

“I’m not either. I can’t sleep, Ellie. I can’t breathe without you.” I turn to give him some remark, but when I see him, no amount of preparation could’ve prevented my heart from lurching to a stop. His eyes glistening with unshed tears as he drops to his knees in front of me. “I can’t let you go. I can’t watch you walk away without knowing how I feel.” His voice cracks. “I have hated myself for years because of what happened. I thought that, if I remembered, it would kill me, so I pushed it away. I was wrong, and I am so sorry.”

Everything inside me is at war. Seeing him this way, sad, alone, and hurting because of sins committed by his father causes me to want to wrap my arms around him, but I don’t. I intertwine my fingers to stop myself from taking his. “I don’t know what to say.”

“Then tell me you’ll come back to me. I need you, Ellie. I don’t want to live in a world without you, damn it. I’ve done it before, and I don’t want to do it again. I want our family.”

My chest heaves as my crying continues. Everything inside me is a mess. His head falls forward, and I want to tell him to look at me, to launch myself at him and tell him that I won’t leave him, but I am still as a statue.

“I’ve told them the story about it all before. I came the day after I met you and left flowers. I know you don’t believe me, but Ellie, I swear, I didn’t know who you were.”

Now that the initial shock has worn off, I believe him. “I’m not sure that part matters.”

“You know I was just eighteen years old. I wasn’t a man, even though I thought I was. Imagine if it were Hadley, what would she think if her father was threatening to have her thrown in jail. For years, he’d manipulated us into doing whatever he wanted. It wasn’t an easy decision, and then we were older, and we . . . I don’t know, we did what we could to survive and be good people.”