The Ugly Duckling Debutante (House of Renwick #1)(39)

“So you have no dowry?”

Pain flashed across her face as she looked away. “No, no. Only my sisters.”

He paused. “That doesn’t make sense, Sara.” Her true name rolled off his tongue naturally. “Why give your sisters dowries but not you? If anything it should have been equally spread amongst the daughters. That’s the way these things are done.”

“You said there were ducks?” she asked, getting up. Obviously that part of her family history was not to be discussed. He wondered why. Was she illegitimate? No, she would have said as much. What was she hiding? Apparently, he wasn’t the only one with secrets.

“Just over there,” he pointed to a small pond with tiny ducks and a few swans.

“I always wanted to be one.”

“A duck?” he came up from behind and hugged her, in the most platonic way he knew how, which wasn’t at all platonic, but he had to touch her.

“No.” She turned to him with a scolding look. “A swan, of course.”

He shook with soft laughter behind her. If she couldn’t see she was indeed a swan now, she would never see it. “You’re not who I thought you were,” he crooned into her lemon-scented hair.

She stiffened beneath his touch. “Is that an insult or a compliment?”

He kissed her hair; he couldn’t help it. “Most definitely a compliment. When I first met you I presumed you to be selfish and spoiled. Instead I find you are the kindest creature I have ever met. I know it’s selfish, but I don’t want to let you go.”

She shifted to face him, still in his tight embrace. “Then why does it feel as if you’re always trying to say goodbye?”

He had no response. Even he didn’t understand why, so how could he explain to her that he couldn’t resist his need to pull her close to him, all the while trying desperately to get her to see the reasons he was no good for her. He had a choice, and he made it. He would marry her, but he would offer her an out within a year. It wasn’t uncommon. She would receive money from him, and after a year, when things died down, she would be able to annul the marriage and find someone more deserving of her status.

“Marry me,” his voice was deep with conviction.

Her head snapped up. “Truly?”

Nicholas felt like he could fly. To make it official he knelt on one knee and confessed, “I adore you; I want to make you happy. My only doubts are that I will somehow fail in that aspect. We both know I bring my soiled reputation and my illegitimate child to the table with this marriage. I want you, but I know it’s a lot to ask. You’re young. Let’s marry this week as promised, and I will give you a contract in your name that allows an annulment for any reason within a year. In the meantime, I’ll take care of you and your family and, hopefully, salvage your reputation in the process.”

Her eyes pooled with glassy tears. He knew it wasn’t the most romantic of proposals, but he needed to be upfront and honest with her before she got her hopes up. “You shouldn’t marry me. I’m still allowing you an out Sai. I want you to be able to make your own choice. I want to convince you to hate me, to say no to me. Selfishly I feel like a torn man. One side of me wants to treat you abominably so you annul our marriage. The other side wants to woo you until you’re sick of the sight of me.” He took a steadying breath “I don’t want regrets for selfishly trying to keep you when you weren’t mine to take.”

Before she had a chance to respond, he leaned over and kissed her on the mouth. Careful to keep his body under control, he felt at any moment he would, in fact, die a slow and painful death from the need of her.

Sara’s response was swift and intoxicating, sending tremors through his body. How did a maiden know how to kiss so soundly? He groaned as he pushed himself up from the ground taking her with him. Swinging her around like she was nothing but a little girl he laughed against her lips. “Is that a yes?”

She looked away. “Only if you can catch me.” And she ran off into the field leaving his heart pumping with desire. He put the energy to good use and ran after her, tackling her by the picnic basket onto a big blanket.

“Ouch!” he yelled. “I think I landed on a rock.” He got up to inspect the damage but was left breathless at the sight of his soon-to-be bride. She was sprawled across the blanket, already putting strawberries into her perfectly pouted mouth. Odd, that in the time he had known her he had become jealous of everything she touched, first the flower and now strawberries?

Marriage can’t come soon enough, he grumbled to himself as he sat down beside her.

“It won’t be easy for you.”

“Marriage?” she asked mockingly. “No, I doubt it would be easy for anyone, but the good things never are.”

Nicholas grinned. “I wasn’t talking about marriage, but you are correct in your assumption. Good things always take more work, but the benefit is that much more satisfying.”

She returned his smile. “Then you’re referring to being your wife amidst all the scandal, but I can handle it. I assure you, I’m much stronger than I look.”

He gazed down, silently cursing himself for being so vulnerable. “You aren’t ashamed of me?” He couldn’t bring himself to look back into her eyes out of fear of her response.

How many times had he lain awake at night cursing himself for being such a foolish boy? Granted, it was only two years ago, but it might as well have been a different lifetime. Since finding God, his whole life was different. He had more purpose. His intentions were no longer selfish, but to seek the best for everyone around him. He tried to justify to himself that the duke had deserved everything that happened to him. But his conscience told him the truth.