The Letters (Carnage #4)(31)

“No. I’m bloody will not. Ladies, his King Dick has ruined my Mildred. I’m not letting it ruin my arse as well.”

“Oh, come on, George, you’ve never even squeezed …” Ash trails off, but I’ve already worked out what she was about to say.

“No, I haven’t ever squeezed babies out my vag, Ash, but I have had six-foot-five, and two hundred thirty pounds of pure male pounding a nine and a half inch dick into me for quite some time now, so no, my mildred is not as tight as it used to be, and no, that will not be happening to my arse. Can you imagine? It’d end up all lose and I’d be farting every time I bend over.”

“Meeehhh, what’s a few arse farts between husband and wife? It’s the fanny farts that crack Marley up.”

I spit my wine, barely missing Ashley’s face.

“Oh my god, Ash. It’s happened to me before, I just about died,” I admit. Glowing crimson at the memory.

“What, you varted? Was it during sex?”

This time I choke on my wine. I have tears rolling down my cheeks caused by both coughing and laughing.

It feels so good to laugh.

I nod my head, because I’m struggling to talk.

“We were in Fuerteventura on holiday and it was hot and sweaty, and I was just really wet. I was mortified, but Cam just laughed.”

“What’s there to be embarrassed about? It’s only air, and it’s their fault any way for pumping it into ya. Marley just laughs and says, ‘What’s your next trick’ or ‘I’ll name that tune in three’.”

“I don’t have that problem anymore. Got it all taken care of.”

Ash and I share a look and try to straighten our faces before Ash sits upright and we both look at Jim.

“Wha’d’ya mean, ‘you’ve had it taken care of’?” Ash asks before I can.

Jimmie shrugs her shoulders.

“That little cruise Len and I took in February? We didn’t go on a cruise. We went over to the States, and I had a bit of reconstruction done.”

“On your Mildred? Why?” I ask in disbelief.

“Why the f*ck didn’t you tell us? I would’ve come and had it done with ya.” Ash sounds genuinely put out.

“Did it hurt?” we both ask at the same time.

“Why? Because my poor little vag has had to squeeze out four Layton and one King head. Five babies, ladies. Those kind of numbers don’t leave things looking too pretty down there. I didn’t tell ya coz, well, you know. It’s a bit embarrassing. It’s all right you girls knowing but I didn’t want Cam and Marley knowing that I had a baggy fanny and could vart the national anthem.”

Ash and I get the giggles again. I lean forward and pull the wine from the ice bucket sitting on the floor between us. I share the last of its contents around.

“And I wouldn’t say it hurt. It was just uncomfortable for a few weeks until the stitches dissolved.”

“Was it worth it?” I ask, genuinely interested.

“Absolutely,” Jim replies without hesitation. “I now have a designer vagina. The Gucci of Coochies.”

“The Versace of Vagies,” Ash adds.

“The Louboutin of Labia,” I gasp out. Fighting for breath as we all laugh hysterically.

“The Prada of Pussies,” Jimmie cackles.

“The Burberry of Beavers,” I add.

“It comes with a matching brolly and a trench coat for when things get too wet.” I worry that Jimmie is gonna throw up as she laughs and talks at the same time.

“The Mimco of Minges.”

“The Vuitton of Vulva.”

“No, gag, hate that word,” I gasp out at Ashley’s last suggestion.

“What, Mimco?” she asks.

The noises we’re making don’t even sound human as we laugh and gasp for breath. I snort, which makes the other two laugh harder.

“The Saint Laurent of Snatches.” I don’t even know who says that last one, the voice sounds so strangled and I’m blinded by tears.

“The Cavalli of Cunts.” I just know that’s Ash.

We all lie back and gasp for air, the giggles and laughter still randomly breaking out.

“Oh my days, I needed that laugh,” I say to no one in particular.

I sit up straight, forcing Ash to get her head out of my lap, where she’s once again resting it, and take a sip of my wine.

“So come on, spill, Georgia Rae. What the f*ck was going on when I got here earlier?”

I knew Jimmie wouldn’t let it drop. What I don’t know is how she managed to fill Ash in on my “moment” already.

“Yeah, what’s going on, Slutster? I’ve revealed my varting abilities, Jim’s revealed all about her designer vagina, now you need to spill the deets about your meltdown. What the f*ck happened?”

Jimmie stands up. “Hang on, we need more wine for this.” She heads off to the fridge while I retrieve the letter from my desk.

Once we’re topped up and I’ve settled the girls side by side so they can read at the same time, I pass them the two sheets of paper.

They each take a sip of their wine and start to read.

Ashley looks up at me a couple of times. Jimmie’s hand goes to her mouth, drops, and then goes back a total of three times.