The Letters (Carnage #4)(34)
I stand and hold out my empty wine glass to Jim, and she tops it up.
I want to throw the glass, as well as the bottle, against the wall. I want to punch something. I want to cry, but I’m not sure why. I don’t even know for sure what, or even if, he did wrong.
“That’s pretty much what I heard,” Jimmie’s voice brings me back to the conversation going on around me. “And like Ash said, by the time I heard anything, you were pregnant. It was a non-story. Plus, I know what you’re like. I didn’t want you getting upset about it or turning up at the studio, ready to knock seven kinds of shit out of the girl.”
“Girl? How old is she then? Is she young?”
My paranoia is getting the better of me. It’d always been my biggest fear when I was with Sean. He was surrounded by so many women. So much very willing temptation surrounding him. Younger, slimmer, prettier.
“George, get a grip, will ya? No, she’s not a girl; she’s about the same age as us. He wasn’t interested, George, she was a distraction. I remember talking to him about her the first time around. She meant nothing to him. The second he was back with you, it was over.”
“He got her pregnant.”
“Yes, by the sounds of it he did, but she got rid of it from what I just read.”
My heart broke more at that news, than at the thought of Sean cheating on me. He could’ve had a child. Then there would’ve at least been something left of him.
“What about the second time? When I lost the baby? He said in that other letter that he came for me because he knew if he didn’t that Cam would. Is that even true? What happened between them? Was he sleeping with her while I stayed at my mum’s?”
“I don’t know. I honestly don’t know, George.”
I let out a long breath and sit myself back down in a beanbag.
“Holy f*cking f*ck. Who would’ve thought, all these revelations were sitting in this ol’ box.” Ashley lets out a long whistle as she finishes speaking.
“I have no clue what to make of all this. I’ve put him on such a pedestal for all these years. He was the loyal, faithful husband, while I was the cheating whore of a wife, but he was just as guilty as I was. Then, to top it all off, he tells me to be with Cam. I mean, what the f*ck? What do I do with all this? Everything I thought was us, me and Sean, really wasn’t.” I start to cry. I fight it and fight it, but I lose, and I’m so f*cking angry with myself for crying that it makes me cry more.
“I’ve felt so much guilt. I convinced myself that I lost Baby M because I f*cked Cam. All these years, I’ve felt so much guilt over what Cam and I did, for moving on so soon, and for going back to Cam. It was all pointless.”
Ashley jumps up from beside me and stands with her hands on her hips.
“Right, stop your snivelling just for five f*cking minutes and listen up.”
I shoot a look across to Jim, who just frowns and shrugs her shoulders.
“You and Sean were not a f*cking fairy tale couple. You were real people, with real problems. No marriage is perfect, not a single one. I don’t know why, for all these years, you’ve thought that yours and Sean’s was, but it wasn’t. So, build a f*cking bridge and get over it. You were two people who loved each other passionately. No one will ever call that into question, but that alone does not make for a perfect marriage. Sadly, Sean died. Sean died and you lost Beau and it was horrible, f*cking awful, George. Not just for you either, I might add, it was f*cking horrible for all of us. Then you got lucky. You got so f*cking lucky. TDH did exactly what Sean predicted he would. He swept in, he picked you up, and bit by bit, he put you back together.”
She pauses to take a swig of her wine, and I take that moment to draw breath. Apparently, while she was speaking, I’d forgotten to breathe.
“Where you go from here is entirely up to you. You either finally accept that what you had with Maca was beautiful, but far from perfect, and move on, enjoying the amazing and wonderful life you have with Cam and the kids guilt free. Or you ignore everything that you’ve discovered by reading these letters and continue living half a life, weighed down with the unnecessary guilt you feel because of past actions that can never be changed. What’s it gonna be? You finally gonna give Cam everything, every little piece that makes you who you, or are you gonna keep riding the ‘I’m Not Worthy’ train?”
The three of us sit in silence.
“I Will Survive” by Gloria Gaynor starts to play and totally in sync, the three of us look up towards the speakers in the ceiling. We start to laugh. I wipe the tears from under my eyes.
“It’s time,” I say quietly.
“Yes, it f*cking is,” Ash states before high fiving me.
We put the letters away and have a party for three in my office. We set my “Old Skool Club Classics” playlist up and dance the night away. The last thing I remember is singing Alison Limerick’s “Where Love Lives” into an empty wine bottle. All of us finally crashing in my bed at around four in the morning.
Despite the lateness of the hour and the wine I’ve consumed, I can’t sleep. I toss and turn for about half an hour before Ash whisper shouts, “Stop f*cking thinking, George. The sound of your brain is keeping me awake.”
“I can’t help it.”
“Yes, you can,” Jimmie joins in. “Like Ash says, build a bridge and get the f*ck over it. You are both the unluckiest and luckiest person I’ve ever known. It’s about time you started enjoying the good and letting go of the bad. Life is short and then you die. You know first-hand how that one works. Time to move on, George. We’re all sick of ya whining.”