The Do-Over(60)

Nodding my head, I laughed. “She did. She wanted me nowhere near Wes.” I looked at her coffin with a smile. “And the bitch got her way. Never in a million years would I ever have guessed that she and I would end up being friends.”

From a side door, Wes, Julien and several other people emerged and made their way to the front pew. I could see the tightness and stress in Wes’ face, the sadness in his heart evident in lines that appeared more deeply etched than the last time I’d seen him. My heart broke yet again. I so wanted to give him comfort. And seven rows back represented a million heart miles, as I’d been relegated to the status of business associate.

And then there was Julien, about to take a seat next to Wes. Before he sat down, he turned around, quickly surveying the pews.

“Does he have the remnants of a black eye?” Jonathan whispered in my ear.

“Sure does,” I snickered. What had he said about me that incited Wes to punch him in the eye. It must’ve been a doozy. Yet, there he sat at Wes’ side. And in that moment, I felt my anger spike. Fuck you both. Bros before hoes.

We began with the 23rd Psalm. Not good. I could never make it through without mumbling and crying and today was no different. The man speaking was a Methodist minister. Stacy was not a member of his congregation, but he had grown up down the street from Stacy and Wes and known them his entire life.

“Stacy Bergman was a difficult person to get to know. Earning her trust was not easy. She always told it like it was and if she didn’t like you, she let you know. In no uncertain terms.” He paused as the attendees laughed at the truism. “Once you earned her trust, Stacy was a loyal and giving friend. And you became a friend for life. She would have your back through thick and thin and if anyone talked trash about you, Stacy Bergman would put them in their place with one clean swipe. She was a woman you wanted on your side. Always. Deeply passionate about causes she believed in, she was tireless in her efforts. Although not a mother herself, Stacy was a generous supporter, both in the giving of her time and funding, to the Special Friends Organization, a non-profit providing respite programs for children with special needs. A talented artist herself, Stacy could be found every Saturday at Special Friends running art classes and planning art shows for the students.”

As I sat and listened, I learned so much, realizing we had more in common that I’d ever thought.

“But more than anything, Stacy loved her older brother, Wes.” As Wes bowed his head, I could see his shoulders heaving. “I remember from the time we were small children, Stacy followed Wes everywhere. At the local Little League games, Stacy was his biggest cheerleader, bragging, and rightly so, about her brother’s athleticism. She was devoted to her brother as he was devoted to her.”

I was at the point where I almost couldn’t breathe, my tears were choking me so.

“Fighting a valiant fight against Breast Cancer, Stacy was a warrior, never for a second giving up hope, and in doing so, inspiring everyone around her to be hopeful about the endless possibilities in their lives.”

Stacy and I had just had the conversation about hope. She had told me not to give up hope on Wes, and I could feel my heart shredding and hopeless, as I stared at the back of her brother’s head. The sob that escaped from me was surprisingly loud. Everyone turned to look, including Wes, and I was glad when Jonathan pulled me to him, so that I could hide my face in his suit jacket and muffle my crying.

Hope. That light had been snuffed out. I’d hoped Stacy would beat this. I’d hoped Wes and I could talk through everything and make amends. I’d hoped Julien wouldn’t do anything to destroy us. I’d hoped I’d finally found my happily ever after. Hope didn’t feel very much like an ally to me.

And the only thing I now hoped was that the ceremony would soon be over and that I could leave.

After the minister, a few friends got up to speak, but I didn’t hear a word they said. When I saw Wes rise, I reached for Jonathan’s hand and squeezed it tight. I needed strength from somewhere.

“Thank you all for coming today to honor my sister and celebrate her life. I’m going to make this very brief. Little sisters are put on this Earth to drive their older brothers crazy and my sister was certainly exceptionally talented at that. Growing up she was like my shadow and by the time she was ten, it felt like she was my manager.” Everyone laughed. “My sister always had my back and I knew I always had her love. I can’t even begin to imagine how much I’m going to miss her and I’m just really fortunate that I had a sibling as great as Stacy.” Looking at her coffin, “I’m going to miss you, Brat. Thank you for loving me and believing in me so much.” Wes’ voice cracked. Wiping his eyes, he stepped down to where her coffin resided and bent down to kiss it before returning to his seat.

Crying so hard that I couldn’t breathe, I was afraid to look down at my chest for fear that my blouse would be shredded and stuffing would be hanging out. The searing pain made me feel as if I were the destroyed poppet. Stacy had not yet been diagnosed with pneumonia when I decimated the doll. If only I had known, I thought and then stopped myself at the lunacy of the thought pattern.

Chris bent forward and whispered, “Are you going to the cemetery or repast?”

Shaking my head, no, “I’m just going to relay my condolences to Wes and then go home and work from there today, if that’s okay.”