The Do-Over(55)

“I’m not sure I understand.” I really wasn’t quite sure what she was getting at.

“That f*cking Julien.” The look of distaste on Stacy’s face was evident.

“I feel so terrible,” I admitted, trying to hold back my shattered emotions.

“You have nothing to feel terrible about. Julien’s just a douche and this hit way too close to home for Wes.”

“I don’t understand, Stace.”

Pressing the button on the side of her bed to elevate the upper half of her body so that she was now in a sitting position, Stacy rearranged her blankets before she started speaking. “Although they are the best of friends, there’s always been something of a rivalry between them, back to when we were all in school. If Wes liked a girl and Julien knew about it, he’d pursue her and face it, he’s a really good looking guy, so usually he’d get her and Wes would end up in the friend zone. It happened all the time when we were growing up. And Wes has always been so good to him. Like bringing him into C-Kicker when he got laid off from his last job. So, when Lisa was so sick, my brother was just so dedicated to her. There wasn’t enough he could do for her, finding doctors, trying to make sure she was comfortable and had everything she needed, trying to keep her spirits up and a few months before she died, she became really withdrawn and he was so devastated, feeling like he was already losing her and he wasn’t ready to let go. Around that time, she started confiding in Julien and it was really weird, they got very close. There was nothing physical going on. Lisa was physically weak and certainly not doing anything like that, but there was definitely this emotional thing going on between them and I know it hurt Wes deeply that she was turning to Julien for support and not him. So, what I think he’s reacting to is a combination of what is going on with me and this bombshell Julien dropped on him.”

“Oh God, Stace, I feel so awful for him.”

“And they must’ve really had it out based on what my brother’s face looks like.”

“Julien did that to him?” I was shocked and now hated Julien even more in that moment.

Stacy nodded. “Yeah, they got into a huge fight. And I think it was events both past and present that brought it to the boiling point.”

I was sick listening to how Julien took advantage of their friendship and I could only imagine how he had trashed me to Wes. Unfortunately, I didn’t feel very hopeful that Wes would reconsider and I was angry at him for not having more faith in me. In us. But Lord knows what Julien had said to him. Had he embellished to make me look even worse? Not that it needed it, just spewing facts from his stilted perspective would be damning enough.

“Does Wes always forgive Julien for his bad behavior?” I asked, already knowing the answer.

“He hired him and gave him a big job after that crap with Lisa. My brother has a big heart.” Stacy shook her head.

Regrettably, that heart no longer had a place in it for me. What was the old saying? Bros before hoes. Wes would continue to take Julien back and that was a relationship I was never going to come between. The odd man out here was me and I just needed to walk away.



Pulling into the parking garage I knew exactly what I needed to do. It had come to me on the way home and although I knew it was a longshot, I had to try it. What had Stacy said? Hope. That’s all we’ve got. Well maybe there was some magic in that.

Entering the condo, all the lights were off. I had beaten Scarlett and Laynie back home and I was glad to be alone to do what I needed to do. Immediately, I went into the kitchen and got what I needed, then headed to my bedroom, situating myself in the center of my bed.

“Here goes.” I held the dark-haired doll firmly in my left hand and raised the blue-headed pin with my right hand, stabbing it with force into the right side of the doll’s chest. Raising my hand, I did it again, the pin landing near the last stab. And then again. And again. And again, with more force accompanying each successive blow.

“Die motherf*cker,” I spat from between clenched teeth. “I’m going to kill every single one of you. Obliterate you. You don’t stand a chance against me. Against my power. I’m going to destroy you.” And I stabbed and stabbed and stabbed and stabbed. As tears rolled down my cheeks and into my mouth, I swore, “Don’t you understand. I’m not going to lose them. Either of them. I love them both. I want them in my life. Need them in my life. So die, you motherf*cker. Just die.” Viciously, I continued to stab the doll’s chest. “Die,” I screamed through my tears. “I need you to die.”

And with every stab, I screamed. “Die.” Stab. “Die.” Stab. “Die.” As I sobbed, I could barely see the doll in my hand with the now ripped open chest. When there was no fabric left to stab on the right side of the doll’s chest, I continued stabbing into the stuffing before moving to obliterate the left side of the chest. “I’m going to kill you. I’m not letting you rob everything from me. You get nothing, you motherf*cker. I will destroy you.” Tears dripped onto the poppet as I relentlessly decimated it.

“Mom! Are you okay? What are you doing?” I could hear the terror in Scarlett’s voice, but it sounded as if she were on the far end of a tunnel, her voice echoing off the graffitied, concrete walls.

Surprised by the interruption, I hadn’t heard Scarlett and Laynie enter the apartment and now I needed to finish this fast. I wasn’t done yet and through my tears I continued to stab, now reciting the death incantation in my head. Or so I thought.