The Do-Over(54)

Reaching out, I laid both my hands over his. His reaction was immediate and visceral as he pulled his hands away from mine, leaving my outstretched hands holding only air and my rapidly crumbling heart.

“Wes?”

Looking up at me I could see the crevasse between his eyes and the tic in his swollen jaw. I’d seen this once before and the feeling of déjà vu was suffocating. Garbage comes tomorrow, he had said to Keiko.

“I can’t do this, Tara. I’m trying to cope with the fact that I’m going to lose my sister, that she is falling prey to her battle with breast cancer. That I am going through this again and losing the last member of my family.”

“I know, Wes, I understand. And I don’t know what I can do to help you. But I’ll be there for you.”

His eyes met mine and there was no warmth or compassion in them. Where was my Wes?

He just looked at me for a moment. “Just like you were there for Julien?”

My blood ran cold. Opening my mouth to speak, the suffocating lack of oxygen bound my vocal chords in knots, leaving me momentarily both speechless and lightheaded as the room swayed. He hadn’t known until now?

“That is what I was trying to discuss with you the weekend on the boat when you didn’t want to talk about it. From your response, I assumed you already knew and didn’t want the past to get in the way of the future.”

“The past?” he scoffed.

“Yes. The past. I didn’t know you and Julien knew each other. I didn’t even know you lived on the east coast. It had been over fifteen years.”

Waving his hand at me, I could tell he wasn’t even listening to what I was saying. He wasn’t getting past me and Julien having sex for the other pieces to have any bearing on his feelings. Couple that with Stacy’s horrendous diagnosis and Wes’ past, and I knew there was no winning for me in this conversation. But I still had to try.

“Wes, listen to me, please. Julien was before us. From the moment you and I walked back into one another’s lives, it’s only been you. It’s always been you, Wes. You have to know how I feel about you. How deeply I care.” I could hear the desperation creeping into my voice as I watched his body language telling me clearly that he was retreating more and more with every sentiment I professed. But I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t let him go. “Wes…”

He held up a hand. “Stop, Tara. I have enough to deal with emotionally with my sister. I can’t handle this.”

“Please don’t push me away. Not now. Let me be there for you.”

With closed eyes, he shook his head, his lips forming a grim line. Slowly, he looked up. “Julien?” And I could see the pain in his eyes.

“I didn’t know you’d be coming into my life again.”

He remained silent.

“Don’t give up on us, Wes.” I couldn’t believe he was going to walk away from the happiness we brought to one another.

“I can’t deal with this.”

“I want a do-over,” I whispered.

“Well, you can’t always get what you want.”

There was no use in furthering the discussion if he no longer wanted us. His pain was a mish-mash involving all the people closest to him. The man was gutted. That was clear to see. Standing up, I looked down at him. “I’m going to see Stacy.”

And I left him alone in the waiting room and walked down the hall in my own personal, surreal fog. Annihilated. Totally annihilated.



Wiping my eyes before I entered the room, I squared my shoulders and collected myself. Leaning over, I gave Stacy a kiss on the cheek and pulled up a chair.

“That f*cking cough,” I shook my head.

“Did you speak to Wes?”

I nodded, my throat closing. Suddenly I was fighting back tears and I didn’t want to burden Stacy, who had bigger issues than me getting dumped.

“So, you’re not having the greatest day either.”

I shook my head and moved the subject off me. “So, what are they doing for you here? What have they told you?”

“Not much. Just that there is a mass in my right lung. It might be operable, but first we need to clear up this infection.”

Reaching over, I squeezed her hand. “How are you feeling?”

“Ironically, physically not so bad. Emotionally, I’m still processing it. I’m not happy that the chemo has obviously been ineffective, but the oncologist was by earlier and he said we still have options with chemo that targets my type of breast cancer and potentially surgery when this infection clears up.”

“Okay, so this sounds hopeful.” I was relieved to hear they were presenting viable options to Stacy.

“Hope. That’s all we’ve got.”

I nodded, but couldn’t speak.

“Don’t give up hope on Wes, Tara.” I could see the sadness in Stacy’s eyes. “He really cares about you.”

“I don’t think Wes wants to have anything to do with me.”

“Give him some time. He’ll come around. He’s crazy about you. He’s just overwhelmed right now. And it’s like he’s living his worst nightmares all over again.”

Nodding, “I can only imagine what seeing you go through this is doing to him.”

“I know,” Stacy agreed. “But that’s only part of it.”