The Do-Over(63)
“I don’t know about that. I think the timing just sucked and he emotionally melted down. He knew he was going to have to deal with his sister’s death, even without the pneumonia, just the fact that the chemo wasn’t working and it spread. So, I think he had the hope pulled from him. And basically, at the same time he gets blindsided with the news that this woman he is crazy about, his happily-ever-after, had sex with his best friend in a bathroom. And not that you did anything wrong, because you didn’t, but he lost a lot in the blink of an eye. The two women he cares about most were being ripped from him. And although it’s not right, I’m sure his anger at Stacy’s situation got displaced on you.”
Signaling the bartender for another glass of wine, “Can you make this next one the Silver Oak cabernet, please. Thanks.” Turning back to Laynie, “I just have to get through the Breast Cancer event and then I think I’ll feel like I’m out of limbo and can start moving forward again.”
“Well, you’ll have us there with you, so that should help make the evening less awkward for you.”
Back when we’d first been chosen for the project, I’d purchased extra tickets for Laynie, Jill and Scarlett to attend the white-tie event. I thought it would be an inspiring night out for all of us and now I was glad to have my posse with me. I was a little concerned about Scarlett seeing Wes, I didn’t want her to feel brushed off by him over the situation with me. When I’d asked her recently if they’d been in touch, she shared not often, that she’d checked on him after Stacy’s death and he thanked her for it. And then one time after that, she’d reached out to see if he was okay and he’d answered back that it was a rough time for him and he was trying to get through it one day at a time.
Later that evening in bed, I stared at the ceiling, unable to find a comfortable position and stop my mind from racing. What I was finally letting my conscience admit was just how stressed out I was about the fundraiser. It was business and my work was being presented there. I had a commitment to professionalism and I had to be there. The dread I felt in being at the same function with both Wes and Julien was overwhelming me. I knew I could count on Wes to act professionally. The worst-case scenario was that he would ignore me and although that would rip at my already tattered heart, I just needed to keep my chin up and act like a lady. I knew the true grieving would begin after that night.
Julien Matthews, on the other hand, was a wild card. Lord knows what shit that man might pull and that scared me. Knowing he wasn’t above pushing my buttons to make me look bad in front of Wes, just for him to then be able to say to Wes, “Aren’t you glad you got rid of that crazy bitch.” There was no telling what he’d do to get back at me for not coming back for more, begging him and humiliating myself.
I looked forward to the day Julien Matthews was a footnote in a very short chapter in my life. But for right now, being with him and Wes in the same room for that fundraiser filled me with dread.
And tonight, I was feeling hatred toward Julien for being such a malicious dick. Toward Wes for not even giving me the courtesy of a conversation and for bailing on us and for choosing and believing Julien, and finally toward Laynie, for making up excuses for Wes, which was the exact opposite of where she’d been. I understood her sympathy toward him, but what about sympathy for me? I had let myself dream. Really dream. And the reality of it was crushing me.
When was it ever going to be hoes before bros?
Chapter 23
To say I was freaking out about attending the Breast Cancer Fundraiser would be an understatement. I was obsessing about it, making myself sick, having totally OCD thought patterns that were totally f*cking with my head. Every day, all day, I played a What-If game with myself.
What if Wes ignored me?
What if Wes was there with another woman?
What if he was physical with her in front of me?
What if Wes was shitty to Scarlett and broke her heart?
What if Julien made a scene and embarrassed me publicly?
What if the attendees hated the videos?
What if I went totally apeshit on Julien and embarrassed myself personally and professionally?
I was driving myself crazy, totally assured the worst was going to happen. My dream had turned out to be a lie. And the biggest What If of all was what if I had just deleted all my online accounts as I had planned to after my date with the car groper, then there would have been no Julien in my life?
But the What If that hurt the most nudged its way in right after that one. What if Wes had just talked to me and didn’t push me away? What if he’d let me tell him that night on the boat? What if I hadn’t let myself fall crazy in love with him? What if we’d just remained on our opposite sides of the bridge.
Walking into my living room, I looked out at my terrace and the view beyond with the pinpoints of twinkling lights in people’s homes as the evening sky darkened and the first stars made their way onto the faded blue, blank canvas. Sliding open the glass door, the cool Indian Summer evening felt refreshing, I stepped outside and I breathed it in with a sad sigh. Wes and I had made love out here. There weren’t very many spots in my condo that we hadn’t christened.
The sun was a mesmerizing red ball sinking into a layer of humidity and smog. Wes stepped out onto the terrace, wrapping his arms around me from behind and pulling me against him snugly. The heat of his lips on my neck made me shiver.