Ruined (The Eternal Balance #1)(46)
The things I’d seen today would stay with me for the rest of my life. Jax’s expression as he hit that man in the alley. Over and over. Then, the contrast of revulsion mixed with remorse and agony when we stopped by the side of the road. As for the rest, I refused to think about him tearing apart those other men. Demons. Not men. Still, it didn’t make the carnage any easier to watch. It didn’t matter what they were on the inside. On the outside, they looked like people.
“I’m okay. Today’s just been…” I shrugged. “Hard. Today’s been hard.”
“I’m sorry,” he said, stalking the room from end to end. He’d been jittery since we’d left the field. Twitching and energized like someone had plugged him into an outlet. “I tried so hard to keep you away from this part of my life, and in the end, you ended up in deeper.”
I set down the cup and grabbed hold of his hand as he passed. “Sorry? You saved my life, Jax. This thing that attacked me at school isn’t going to give up. The car, the cliff, tonight in that field… You made me see the truth. You had my back. Just like always, you had my back…”
The truth about him had thrown me for a loop, but in the end, it didn’t change damn thing. I wasn’t sure what kind of person that made me, and I didn’t care. He might be a demon, at least in part, but he was still the same Jax I’d known my whole life. It hurt when he left, but I did understand it now. He was still the same infuriating, cocky shithead I loved. The one I’d always love.
“I shouldn’t be here.” He looked like he wanted to turn and run, but surprised me by coming closer.
“Because you’re dangerous? Didn’t you hear me? You saved my life. For a guy who’s all supercharged and shit, you don’t have a firm grip on reality, do you?”
He was quiet for a moment. When he did speak, his voice was low and deadly. “Do you think it’s the best idea to piss off a hungry demon?”
I ignored him. “Explain to me how you’re dangerous.” I stood and took another step—the last step—until we were nose to nose. He’d washed away the blood and gore and was standing in front of me as though at any moment he’d bolt. “Is it because you saved my life at the bottom of the river? Or maybe it was because you propelled yourself from the top of a cliff to keep me from getting crushed or drowning. Is that how you’re dangerous?”
He made a noise deep in his throat and tried to back away, but I held tight to his wrist.
“Oh. I know. It’s because you charged a group of demons who were probably going to kill me in some horrible, Hollywood-worthy epic way, and again, saved my life.”
“I want you to hate me,” he said, voice dropping to barely a whisper. “In fact, I need you to.”
So much pain, and all I wanted was to take it away. He’d always been my rock, but I realized in that moment, he was just as fragile as me. “I would do anything for you, Jax—except that. Not ever. I can’t.”
“I can’t control this thing inside me.” His eyes were on mine, but it was almost like he was staring straight through. He brought his hand up, twisting it to the light as a tremor went through him. No hint of the fight remained, but it was like he was staring down at the most vile thing on earth. “I’m covered in blood. My entire life is covered in blood…”
I took his hand and yanked it from the light. Without commenting, I swept my fingers across his cheek and down the line of his jaw. The muscles tightened beneath my touch.
He pulled away and took a step back. “Either you’re too stupid to see the truth, or you have a death wish. The demon inside? I need to feed in order to retain any kind of control.” He stepped forward, drawing himself up. “Did you see how I fed it, Sammy? I inflict pain and misery and violence. I induce fear and rage until there’s nothing else left.”
I stood my ground, refusing to let him see that his words had an effect. “I’m not going to pretend I know what it’s like to be you, or that what I saw tonight wasn’t scary as hell. I won’t stand here and tell you that it’s okay or that I understand what’s going on. I do have faith in you, though. I know the truth, Jax, and I’m not disgusted or angry.” I looked him in the eye. “I’m not afraid of you.”
“You should be. Azi—I—we—I shouldn’t stay. That’s why I need you to be stronger. I need you to hate me. Tell me to get the f*ck out.”
I’d only seen him like this once before. When he was fourteen and I was thirteen. Two of the guidance counselors at school had accused him of lighting the locker room on fire. Jax insisted he didn’t do it, even providing an ironclad alibi, but they didn’t care. He was just the easiest to blame.
He took their punishment and accepted blame in the same angry silence people later came to expect from him, but that night he’d broken down. I remembered his voice, so close to breaking. So full of pain. So lost…
“It’s okay.”
He shook his head and stumbled away, strands of dark-brown hair whipping back and forth in his eyes. “It’s not. I shouldn’t be around you for so many reasons, but ever since I killed those f*ckers in the field, my head’s been full. Buzzing. Like white noise with a kick.” His head rose and his eyes met mine. “I’ve tried to push you out of my head and out of my life but you just won’t f*cking let go!”