Ruined (The Eternal Balance #1)(48)

“Get away from me,” I snapped, turning away. A bastard. That’s what I was. The hurt in her expression was just another reason to hate myself. Distance. I needed distance. The demon inside didn’t mean to feed from the pang of rejection radiating from Sam, but it did regardless. It couldn’t help itself.

“Is it just physical? Is that it? I know—I know you want me. Do you feel guilty because you don’t have any real feelings for me? I mean, I know you care, but it’s been a long time. People’s feelings change.” She sucked in a deep breath and I had to force myself to stay where I was. I missed the feel of her in my arms. The warmth her body provided. “It’s okay. Really. I’m a big girl, Jax.”

The whole room darkened and I couldn’t help laughing. I didn’t mean to turn around, but the sound of her voice was like a beacon, forcing me back. “If it was just about sex, this wouldn’t be an issue.” One step. Then another. I stopped in front of where she stood, leaning close enough to feel her breath on my neck. Sweet and vital. “It’s so much more than that with you. It always has been—and that’s the problem, I think.”

“Just so you know, from a girl’s point of view, that’s not usually a big problem.”

“It is.” I took a step away. “Every minute I’m with you, I’m…happy. It makes the demon hungrier. I’m not meant to be happy, Sammy. I’m paying for what Cain did to Abel. It’s been getting worse. It was bad in the beginning, painful, and now it’s becoming unbearable.”

I took a deep breath. “I’m not allowed to be at peace. And since I’ve been refusing to accept that, these stolen moments with you are taking their toll. They destroy my control. With the jacked-up energy I got from killing those demons, I should have lasted for at least two days—maybe more—just taking bits from people here and there. It should have kept Azirak sated. But I can feel the itch again. It’s worse when—when we’re close.”

“You’re saying you have to feed it again,” she confirmed. “Something like what happened in the alley with that guy?”

How the hell could she ask the question like it was nothing more than an inquiry about the weather? “Yeah.” The words were bitter. Knowing it and admitting it out loud were two different things. “I have to feed it again.”

“And that would make it easier? To be close to me?”

Jesus. She was out of her f*cking mind. “Maybe, but that’s not my point. If you knew what I saw sometimes when I looked at you—the images—you would never put yourself in the same room with me again.” I needed to drive the point home with cruel accuracy. “All I want right now is to kill you. I want to rip you open and spill you out, just to make the thing inside me quiet. Just to dull the pain.”

She flinched as if I’d slapped her. “Well, then I guess we better get moving.”

“Moving?”

“The sooner we find these things and what they want, the sooner you can leave. That’s what the endgame is here, right? To get away from me? From this place?”

“That’s the way it has to be,” I said, doing my best to keep the chill in my voice. Then I remembered what one of the demons said about her in the field. Something about being demon touched. Fuck. I’d forgotten all about it. Too busy trying crawling all over her. “But there’s something we need to talk about first.”

She rolled her eyes. “Wonderful. Another secret? Are you related to Dracula? Maybe you have a cousin who’s a troll?”

“Do you remember hearing something about being demon touched?”

She shrugged. “Vaguely. Why, what’s it mean?”

“I don’t know.” I sank into the chair across the room. “But it can’t be good.”

She blinked. “You don’t know?”

“I don’t know,” I repeated.

“Weren’t you a card-carrying member of the evil-infested? You know how to deal with this stuff. That’s what you said. How can you not know?”

“I may have overstated my expertise when it comes to demonkind.” I pinched my thumb and pointer together and held it up for her to see. “Just a little.”

“You— Are you serious?”

“Don’t worry.” I pulled my coat tight and took a step toward the door. “We need answers. I think I know just the place to get them.”

Azirak kept flashing the fight in the field through my mind, remembering the feel of the demon essence and the virtual high it had given us. It wanted more—and that was fine with me. We needed to know what it meant to be demon touched, and there was only one way to find out.

Interrogation.

Normally the thought of beating the answers out of someone would have sent the demon into an excited frenzy, but unfortunately, I’d been inconveniently saddled with a sidekick. The thing seemed as unenthused as I was by the concept of Sam witnessing a repeat of what happened in the alley yesterday. But letting her out of my sight was out of the question.

I checked on Rick before heading out with Sam. He’d been asleep, so still that in a moment of panic, I slipped a small mirror under his nose. Only after it fogged could I breathe again.

Harlow was full of demons. Most places were. They were easy for me to find by simply inhaling, their acidic trademark scent stinging my nose. When I’d first come home, I’d caught the scent of a demon bar on the edge of town. A dive bar called the Inferno. I pushed open the door and took the lead, slipping into the decrepit building with Sam on my heels.