Love's Suicide (Love's Suicide #1)(53)

Through our worst of times, Bobby had always done one thing right; being a father.

B was the perfect example of how deep his love could go. I wasn’t making excuses for his violent side, but for some reason I could sympathize with why he felt like it had to go that far. After trying so hard to make me happy, I was basically shoving it in his face that I would never love him. It had to have hurt him intensely. How else would someone feel if the one person they loved unconditionally could never be true to them?

Being in Bobby’s arms was so different than how it used to be. I felt safe and protected, how a wife should feel. I knew that being pregnant with his child would give him that one thing that he thought he’d never have with me.

I wanted him to know I was fully vested in our family.

Though my heart would always ache for Brooks and what we could have been, I had to believe that he was out there somewhere watching over me and B. Believing that was going to give me the strength to move on.

The only thing standing in the way had been me and I was ready to accept that it was time.

I had to.





Chapter 25

July 4th 2013



Our town’s annual parade and celebration was in full swing. My almost two year old, B, swung a flag around in her hand as the first group of performers walked by in the parade.

I knew he’d be miserable later, but Bobby was insistent on walking with just a cane.

I scanned the crowd to try and find Sarah and Dave. Their daughter was going to be riding on the church float and they went off to get a closer view so they could snap pictures.

Bobby grabbed B and put her on his shoulders when the crowds got too heavy for her to see. Besides, I felt much better about her being in his arms than on the ground, where she could run off in a second.

I had to say that two years had made a huge difference. I stood next to Bobby and felt proud of the life we had. Though I still wasn’t pregnant, I was hopeful that we would get good news before the year was over.

B was getting a kick out of the attractions. She clapped and screamed in excitement as she watched, and when the horses came trotting through she started hopping on top of her father’s shoulders. I laughed and snapped a picture, loving the memories that we were making together.

It was astounding how different my life was going with the help of a good therapist. I guess the reason it was working this time was because I wanted it to. Before, I was incapable of letting go. I wanted to have that piece of hope that I’d be with Brooks again. Now that I knew it would never happen, it had changed my whole outlook on life.

Just like my parents, someone else that I’d loved was taken too early in their life. This time, I didn’t get a call saying goodbye, not that I think I would even want something like that. I don’t know what I would have done if I heard him in pain or suffering and I hated even imagining it.

That was the thing that I talked about when I met with my doctor. I still had feelings, even though I was making baby steps at getting on with life.

When people say out of sight out of mind, it isn’t always that easy. I still thought about Melissa and Branch. It wasn’t my business, but I wanted to know how and when they’d gotten together. I wanted to know what he’d done to gain her trust and earn her undying love. Most of all, I wanted to know when she knew she wanted him.

The night before my nuptials, when all Hell had broken loose; she thought she was going to have Brooks. My thoughts now were that maybe she always had a thing for Branch. It was possible that they’d even messed around while we were a couple. It wasn’t like we were compatible. Branch was the worst lover that I’d ever been with, not that I had much to compare him to.

All I knew was that Brooks and Bobby made making love a satisfying experience, where Branch lacked the ability to satisfy anyone other than himself. If Melissa was okay with that, then it was her loss, not mine.

Bobby turned to look at me with a big smile on his face. We’d been making love almost every night, hoping that one of those encounters had given us the miracle we desired. I was becoming so content with him and our life together, knowing that if he was all I had for the rest of my life, it would be enough. Given the chance, he’d proven to be exactly who I needed him to be.

A father.

A husband.

A friend.



Just as I turned back toward the parade, I noticed the soldiers and veterans marching by. Then, on a float, were a bunch of disabled vets that had been injured fighting for our country. The crowd got loud with applause to honor the beautiful men that had risked their lives for the love of American. I got butterflies, hearing the amount of people cheering them on and filling them with such a respectful salute. My heart was heavy as I watched each of them passing by us.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw B waving to them, as if she somehow remembered waving to them in the car a while back. She was dressed in her red, white and blue outfit, with two curly pigtails in her hair. Out of every child there, I swore she was most beautiful.

As I turned to look up, my mind started playing tricks on me. I swore that a soldier in fatigues looked just like Brooks. He was sitting in the back of army vehicle with a bunch of other soldiers. It was too fast to make a distinction and he was wearing a hat, so I knew I’d been imagining it. It still didn’t make me feel any better. As much as I tried to block it out, there were reminders all around me that would never go away.