Love's Suicide (Love's Suicide #1)(58)

I couldn’t look at him.

“Kat, Do you have any idea what I had to do to get stationed near you? It was a pain in the ass and involved a lot of ass kissing. I figured that it didn’t matter as long as I had you. We could get married and live on or off a base somewhere, and maybe even have a couple of kids. Do you have any idea how it felt to pull up at your house and see you with them? At first I couldn’t believe it. I thought maybe you were living with friends. Then when that cop called and told me that you and your husband were concerned, I knew my fears were true.”

“I’m sorry.” It was all I could say, but my voice was pleading. “You don’t understand what happened to me.”

Finally, I had to face him. I couldn’t let this be our goodbye and not take in every inch of him. “How long have you been married, Kat?”

My bottom lip quivered as I looked into those blue eyes. If only I had the strength to tell him about B. He’d understand why I couldn’t do it on my own. “Two years,” I whispered.

Brooks stared at me, peering into my soul for explanations that I wasn’t ready to give. “Jesus Christ. Did you even mean the things you said to me, or were they all just bullshit?”

“Everything I said was the truth and you know it!”

He looked out the window and I saw him clenching his jaw, like he did when he was angry. “I wish I could believe that.”

I felt like I was losing him over and over again and no matter what I did, I couldn’t stop it. I reached for his hand. It was in a splint and I knew he was the man I’d seen at the parade. I hadn’t been imagining that he was real. Brooks was really there, right in front of my face the whole time.

As our fingers touched an electric shock ran through me. I knew he felt it. He turned to look my way and sighed. “I can feel your touch. It’s gotten worse. The feeling comes and goes. If it keeps up I’m going to fail my next PT-test and then I’ll be up shit’s creek.”

I watched his face full of anger turn to pain.

“You’re the only man that I’ve ever truly loved, Brooks. Look at me and tell me that I’m lying.” I peered into those baby blues, baring my soul to him.

“It changes nothing. I won’t be a home wrecker. You never really belonged to Branch, but the man you’re married to doesn’t deserve to get his heart ripped out. If he loves you half as much as I do, that’s what will happen. I can’t live with myself for doing that. As much as it hurts me to say this, I’ve got to walk away from you, for good this time.”

I cried more, silently pleading with myself to tell him the truth.

We sat there, in my car, staring at each other in silence. So many mistakes, so much lost time had come between us for too long. I wasn’t ready to give up.

He put his hand on the door to open it and I watched him starting to climb out. He turned back and had real tears falling down his face. “Take care of yourself, Kat. Be a good mother and wife. Give them the love that we have and you’ll be happy. I know you will.”

He climbed out and started walking toward the building. I was hysterical and didn’t know what to say or do, but letting him walk away from me wasn’t an option.

I jumped out of the car and ran toward him, grabbing the back of his fatigues. “Don’t you dare walk away from me. I won’t let you say goodbye this time.”

People around us were starting to give dirty looks as they walked by and I knew Brooks didn’t want them seeing him emotional. He pulled me inside of the building, past a few desks and into an office, before shutting the door.

He paced around the room, while I stood there crying. Then he sat down on the other side of the desk and motioned for me to sit down. A box of tissues was on it and I helped myself. “Please don’t do this. Don’t push me away.” I cried harder. “I can’t live without you. I don’t even want to.”

He leaned over the desk. “Listen to yourself. You have a child. How can you say that without me you don’t want to live? Do you know what I would give to have a wife and a child? After everything I’ve seen, all I want is to care for the people I love.”

“You don’t understand.” I shook my head, unable to say the words.

He stood up and leaned in closer to me. “Then tell me. Give me one reason why I shouldn’t watch you drive home to your family and never look back.”

“I can’t. You’ll never forgive me. I’ve ruined everything. I’m so sorry, Brooks. Please don’t say goodbye. Don’t give up on us.”

He put his head down. “Katy, I can’t do this with you. I’m already going to hear shit for you coming here. This is a serious place and I have a damn job to do. This isn’t high school anymore. I can’t deal with the drama and I won’t be involved with a married woman. Please, if you have nothing else to say then you have to go.”

“What about our love?” I was so desperate.

“Our love has never been our problem.”

I hated that he refused to look at me. No matter how I tried to rationalize why I couldn’t tell him the truth about B, I knew that it was the only way that I wouldn’t lose him forever.

Without considering what it would do to Bobby, to B and to the life that I had, I closed my eyes, took a few deep breaths and opened them back up to be staring at him. “She’s yours, Brooks.”