Love's Suicide (Love's Suicide #1)(116)

“Did Brooks get off to work okay?”

She knew he’d been there the whole time and had probably heard our entire conversation. “Yeah. He said he’d be back when he gets off.”

I put my coffee cup under the instant maker and pushed the button before I could turn and look at her. She came over and waited for me to be finished making it before she carried it over to the table. After making B some oatmeal, she joined me back at the table. “I was wondering if you’d like us to come along today when you visit your friends?”

I shrugged and traced the outside edge of the coffee cup. “I don’t know. The truth is I don’t even think we’re friends anymore. Sarah made it clear that she wants nothing to do with someone that runs away from her marriage. They weren’t even on my side when he used to hit me. I’d just assume to not contact them after all this is over.”

“I’ll keep B here and get some more cleaning done.”

I reached for her hand. “Danica, you don’t have to do that. I’ll call a company to come out and clean and then another to start doing repairs.”

“If you fill out a police report your insurance would cover the damage.”

I smiled and thought of Bobby. “No. This was his way of punishing me. I don’t want to put a claim in so soon after moving in. It will only hurt my premiums. I’ll deal with it. Mostly it’s cosmetic. We can fix the walls and replace the carpet. I can buy new furniture and curtains.”

Danica squeezed my hand. “I hate that this has happened to you.”

I looked over at B, who had no idea what was happening. Not only had she never mentioned or looked for Bobby, but even after hearing other people talk about him, she seemed unfazed. “I’m just glad she’s too young to know what’s going on. He was good to her, even when he wasn’t to me. He really loved her.” I started to tear up. “It really breaks my heart.”

She scooted her chair closer to me and pulled me into her arms. I couldn’t stand crying in front of my daughter and lately she’d seen too much of it. I grabbed the remote off the table and turned on the small kitchen television for her to be occupied with. When she saw the cartoons it was as if she were alone in the room.

“You’re going to get through this, Katy. I’ll stay here as long as you want me to.”

I shook my head. “You don’t have to. I know I’ve only brought you disappointment. I could never expect you to forgive me.”

“I’m no saint. None of us are, I suppose. I won’t abandon you just because you made some poor choices. We’re family, you know that.”

I closed my eyes, imagining my life without them in it. I’d gone for too long feeling like I had nobody. All the while, they’d been there waiting for me to come home. “Thank you. I appreciate that. Sometimes I just wish I had my parents here with me, especially when I slept with Brooks the night before the wedding. I felt so awful and so in love at the same time. The conflict that I was having with myself sent me over the edge. I had to run, because I couldn’t face any of you. Besides, I knew Brooks was leaving and there wasn’t anything I could do about it.”

Danica looked away, which I thought was weird. “I miss your parents, too. I think about them every day.”

“I guess things happen for a reason. They picked the right people to raise me at least.”

Danica started to cry and I felt sad that bringing up my parents hurt her so much. They’d been friends for so long.

Finally she calmed down and since it was getting late in the morning, I needed to get moving. I had a lot of things to do to make arrangements for Bobby’s service. After crutching my way into my half-charred bedroom, I closed the door and got situated on the bed with the phone in my hand. I called church first, hoping they would be able to do a memorial without a bunch of drama.

When all was agreed upon and I received way too many condolences, I called to order flowers and double checked with the funeral home that Bobby’s body was being delivered the next day. His family had little money and his life insurance would only pay for a regular funeral. I wanted it to be special, as sort of a final plea for his forgiveness, so I paid for it to be as beautiful as possible. I ordered him a nice headstone that stated ‘Loving Father’. It was difficult, knowing that I’d been the reason for his death, and yet I was planning to have him put into the ground. I felt evil, as if everyone around me would accuse me of wanting him dead.

As much as I wished things would have been different, I never wanted to hurt him like I had. Not only had I ripped apart his heart, but I’d also caused his death. I felt wretched inside, like I wasn’t worth the love that I was receiving.

They couldn’t understand what it felt like knowing that I’d swung that bottle at his head and knocked him unconscious. They weren’t hearing the sound I heard when it made contact with his jaw. They didn’t see his eyes when he barely opened them moments later.

Over and over it was all I saw and I couldn’t get it out of my head.

Then there was Brooks; committed to us no matter what I decided, or how long it took me to come to grips with my actions.

Having so much on my mind did nothing for the pounding headache I’d woken up with and I knew I couldn’t drive anywhere without it being complicated.

I was going to have to ask Danica to take me and I didn’t want to, so I dialed Sarah’s number and took a deep breath, knowing I was taking the cowardly approach to telling them that their best friend was gone.