Love's Suicide (Love's Suicide #1)(112)

“What is it? What did he do?” I was already crying, feeling like all of the love I’d put into my home was wasted.

“You need to remember that this is just a house. Everything in here can be replaced.”

I looked right at him, angrily staring him down until he released the knob. “The fumes are still bad.”

I opened the door and was taken aback by the smell of gasoline. Everything had been shoved off of my dresser and someone had removed the sheets and blankets from my bed. A large black burn mark was in the center along with a dark mark from where the flames had charred the ceiling.

He’d set our bed on fire.

I couldn’t believe it.

My mouth hung open as I took another mental picture of the room. “What has he done?”

“I already bagged the bedding and the fire extinguisher. I’m assuming this was all some sick message, considering he’d been prepared to put the fire out before it got out of hand. Like I said before, we can replace all of this. I can buy us a new bed tomorrow. With a couple cans of paint and some fresh carpet we can get the smell out of here and you’ll never even be able to tell it ever happened.”

I shook my head and finally looked at Brooks. “Don’t you get it? This is all my fault. Everything! He did all of this because of what I did to him - what we did to him.”

Brooks touched my shoulder and I pulled away. “Please, Kat, you’re not thinking clearly.”

“My husband is dead because I broke his damn heart. We did this to him. It didn’t have to be like this, Brooks. Stop acting like we’re just going to be happy and move forward. There is no moving forward. I’ll never forgive myself. I can’t even begin to think about it.”

He just stood there, as if I’d said nothing. I sighed, knowing I was breaking his heart too. Why couldn’t he understand that I felt responsible? Why couldn’t he see that I’d let my actions destroy a good man? All he wanted to do was take care of me and B. I practically ripped her out of his arms and had fallen right back into bed with Brooks again. This uncontrolled roller coaster was a death-trap waiting to happen.

He reached for me again, pleading with his eyes.

I looked away.

“Kat, don’t make me leave. Please talk to me.”

I closed my eyes when I spoke to keep from losing it more. “I won’t ask you to leave. Your mother and our daughter are here.”

When I opened my eyes he nodded, but looked down. “You just need time. That’s what this is, right? We’ll get through this?”

“Maybe. It’s too much right now, Brooks. I’m not trying to hurt you and this isn’t about our love. There will never be anyone but you. I know that. I need to sort things in my head before I can do anything.”

He nodded again. “So what am I supposed to do? Do I come here every day and pretend that it’s okay to not be able to touch you? Do I avoid eye contact, because looking at you is like shards of glass being driven into my eyes? I’ve waited for you, Kat. I’ve been so God damn patient. If I could take the pain away from you I would. I do anything to keep you from hurting, but I can’t accept that we can’t be together. I won’t let you push me away this time. Do you hear me?”

He grabbed both of my arms. “Look at me, Kat. Look me in the eyes and swear to me that we’re going to get through this.”

I closed my eyes and opened them slowly, feeling warm tears falling down my cheeks, one after the other. “What if we don’t?”

He shook me, not violently, but more as if he were trying to wake me from a sleep. “Don’t do this, again.”

“Brooks, what if I can’t move forward? Look at my house. A man is dead. Our love is like poison and everyone around us ends up getting hurt. How much more has to happen before you see that?”

His reddened eyes looked away, like looking at me made it all so much worse. Then, without another word, he left the room.

I heard the front door slam and a vehicle starting. It was obvious that I’d hurt him. I wasn’t trying to hurt anyone. That was the point. I couldn’t be responsible for what happened when Brooks and I were together. It wasn’t fair.

I fell down on the floor and began sobbing. My house was a disaster and I couldn’t even call the police to report it, because the person responsible had already met his fate. Everything was out of control and I felt like I was being sucked into a vicious black-hole with no way to escape.

Danica gave me a little while alone before she came in to help me up off the floor. Maybe she knew I didn’t want her opinions. It was especially hard for her considering that she treated me like I was her daughter. Picking sides wasn’t ever something she could do with a good conscience.

“What am I going to do?”

She helped me up and got me standing. When I went out into the living room, she helped me get seated comfortably on the couch and propped up my feet. “About what, Katy? If it’s about this house, we’ll clean it up. If you’re asking about Brooks, that’s something you need to decide. Just keep in mind that he can only handle so much rejection. Maybe instead of shutting him out, you should let him be there for you. Brooks knows you, probably better than you know yourself, right now. No matter what you’re going through, he’ll understand, as long as you don’t push him away.”

“Bobby’s dead because of me,” I said in a whisper.