Love's Suicide (Love's Suicide #1)(110)

"That's your pain medicine talking."

I raised my hand as far as it would go considering I was hooked up to monitors and one was in the process of taking my blood pressure. "No. I’m a very selfish person that went after what I wanted, not even considering how drastic the consequences would be. I can't do this right now, Brooks."

I couldn't lay helpless in a bed and know that Bobby was downstairs in the morgue. My hitting him on the head with that bottle kept playing out in my mind. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't stop it.

"If we don't talk now, it's going to have to be over the phone. I've got to fly back to Fort Jackson first thing in the morning to report back for duty. Mom's going to take care of you and B until I can fly back next weekend." I was too hurt to even understand the amount of pain that Brooks was going through, having to leave us both and report for duty. Inside, deep in that hidden place everyone hides their feelings, I knew him leaving was hurting me. More than anything I wanted him by my side, albeit I didn't deserve it. I no longer deserved to have everything I wanted, not when being with Brooks hurt so many other people. I looked right at him, feeling like I was stabbing myself in my own heart. "So you'll call?"

Brooks was devastated. He reached for my hand and I closed my eyes. I could feel my lips quivering. "Kat, we'll get through this. I promise. Don’t you dare give up on us. I know what you're thinking. Don’t do it. Please don't push me away."

I had to turn my head away from him so he couldn’t see me falling apart. "I'm so sorry, Brooks. Please don't look at me like that."

He stood up and finally I couldn’t keep my eyes away. "I love you with everything I have in me. I know what it's like feeling like you caused someone's death. I can see it all over your face. They train us to handle those situations, so when you're ready to talk about it, rationally, you pick up that phone and I'll be there.” He leaned in and kissed my lips, then put his mouth close to my ear. "I will never give up on you."

Brooks left the room, not because he had to right away, but because he couldn't stand looking at me and not feeling what he feared was going to happen.

Nobody hated me more than I hated myself. I looked around the empty room and felt as if it was where I was supposed to be.

Alone.

Brooks loving me was his weakness. He couldn’t see the truth, because he was blinded by that love. I caused pain, no matter where I went or who I was around.

That night was difficult, but the next few days were even harder. Brooks called me every morning, then at lunch and one last time before he went to bed.

His voice soothed me, even if it were only a temporary fix. Danica brought B to the hospital each day until I was finally released on Wednesday. My hip was still in a bit of pain, but manageable with medication. Walt had rearranged the furniture so that I could maneuver a temporary wheelchair around on the first floor.

It was good to be out of the hospital, but I had other things clouding my mind. Since I was Bobby’s wife, it was up to me to take care of his body, transporting it home and arranging a funeral.

I didn’t know where to begin.

Finally, after making calls to his family, I was left staring at the phone, knowing I had to call Sarah and Dave. My stomach was in knots and I broke down.

Danica came running in, with B following close behind her. “What’s wrong? Does something hurt?”

Aside from a bunch of bruises, the only thing that was wrong with me was that I’d dislocated my hip. I still had a killer headache and my body felt like it had been thrown into a cement maker. That aside, I wasn’t incapable. “No. I’m okay. I just need to get home. I have to be there to do all of this in person.”

I could tell she was conflicted with what she should say. It was understandable that Danica didn’t want me leaving, on account of B. She wanted to be with her as much as she could and us being a few states away was hard on everyone.

“Danica, please. I need to get home.”

She grabbed the phone and started dialing before she would say what she was doing. “Hey, it’s me. Remember what we discussed last night? Yeah. I’ll call you when we get there. Love you too.”

She hung up and handed me the phone. “Call Brooks and tell him we’ll be home late tonight.”

I didn’t know what to say.

As much as I longed to see Brooks, I knew there were things that needed to be dealt with that didn’t involve him. I needed to worry about burying Bobby before I could begin to figure out anything else.

Still, I waited for her to walk out of the room before I dialed his number.

“Sergeant Valentine.”

“Hey, it’s me.”

“Are you okay?”

Hearing his voice instantly made me emotional. More than anything I wished that I could take everything back. I wanted to rewind the last four years of my life and choose Brooks from the beginning. Life would have all been so simple if I’d just made the right choices in the first place.

“Yeah. I’m fine.”

“Katy, please tell me you’re not calling to give me bad news. I’m having a terrible time being here when you’re both there. I can’t take much more this week.”

“I’m not. I’m calling because I’m coming home. Your mom is going to drive us and stay with me. She wanted me to call and tell you that we’ll be home late tonight.”