Love Survives (Love's Suicide #2)(64)
She responded so quickly that I knew it was never an option for her. “I never considered terminating the pregnancy, Brooks.” She glanced at our child for a second. “Because no matter where you were, I knew I had a piece of you growing inside of me. Giving that up was never a question.” Our fixed eyes made the hair stand up on my arms. It was intense. “That night we spent together in that hotel room was the second best night of my life.”
Her words meant the world to me. She couldn’t know how worried I’d been that she’d regretted the night we spent together. “What was your first?”
“The day I gave birth to your daughter.”
That did me in. That moment when the truth crossed her lips I was done for. I peered down at the floor, reached over and put my hand on her knee, knowing damn well I was crossing a line. “I can’t stop loving you, Kat,” I whispered.
I’d said it and she’d heard me. When I turned to look into her eyes again I was taken back by all the emotions overwhelming me. This woman was my everything. I existed because of her.
Kat sat there stunned that I’d been so open about it. Maybe she was shocked that after I discovered her secret, I still had such strong feelings for her. That’s honestly how I knew it was real. Kat was never an infatuation for me. It had been love from the very beginning; the kind that doesn’t ever go away.
Chapter 31
It was so easy catching up with Kat, so long as we avoided discussing our own feelings. That topic was off limits even though I had to fight from expressing them on several occasions. It was hard being so close to her and not wanting to touch her.
Kat made it easier. When things felt like they were becoming intense she would change the subject. If anyone could tame my beastly parts it was her. She knew exactly how to lock them up and threaten them if they wanted to come out. To keep our conversations mundane we’d bring up silly things, or talk about old times.
She told me about her friends, church, and even a little about her marriage. I refused to let my guard down because I knew I’d start suggesting things that were inappropriate. Even though I wasn’t going to lie about them, I didn’t want to cause trouble for Kat. She seemed to have a good marriage, and I was no home wrecker, even if I thought she was mine in the first place.
Little B wanted chicken nuggets and fries, and I was determined to give her whatever her pretty little heart desired. We set out to have a nice supper together. The whole time I kept smiling because we were eating like a family. While I kept our daughter out of the high chair to be next to me, Kat made sure she was on her best behavior, by promising ice cream as a reward.
Seeing her as a mother was something I’d never taken the time to imagine. She was so good at it, almost like it was natural. I knew she’d had two years of experience, but her patience was impressive, especially since neither of us had ever been around small children before.
At one point she kept checking her watch. I asked Kat if we were taking too long, but she insisted that everything was fine. Every once in a while we’d catch each other gazing. I was so happy to be around them that I wasn’t worried about anyone seeing us that might know her. We weren’t doing anything wrong, but having a meal with our child. At some point, it wasn’t going to be a secret who I was to them.
Our little girl couldn’t make it through her meal without starting to doze. I paid the check and helped get her in the car before we started on our way back to her house. B feel asleep shortly after being buckled in. Even while she slept I found her stunning.
The closer we got to Kat’s house, the more things were bothering me. There was a lot I needed to get off my chest, and I couldn’t do it with people around. I pulled over on the side of the road and threw the vehicle in park. “What is it?” She asked.
“You know, I kept your letters, even after I moved back home and found out you had a family. I don’t know why, but I couldn’t come to terms with throwing them away, because it felt like I was throwing away our love.” I brushed the back of my hand across her cheek while looking at her. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to be feeling Kat, but when I’m with you, I feel like nothing has changed between us. Now we have a little girl. I mean, Jesus Christ, we made a baby together. She’s so freaking perfect, too. I look at her and I see both of us. I can’t be angry with you because all I wanted for so long was to be a part of your life again. I get that you’re married, and he makes you happy. I can respect that. I won’t push or ask you for something that you can’t give me, but I have to know the truth. I have to know if what you said to me in all those letters was true. Do I still have your heart, or did you already give it to someone else? When you look at me do you see me as a threat or is it something entirely different? Kat, I can’t see you every single day and not want to touch you. It’s been one and I’m already freaking out because I’m having to take you home. Just tell me to back off.”
She reached over and put her hand on my arm. I could tell she was in deep thought. Her eyes closed, and I half expected her to lean forward and kiss me. “I’m not afraid of you Brooks. I know you’d never hurt me. You love her already, I can see it in your eyes. I’ve watched you holding her and falling for her. Somehow she already knows you’re special.”
“You’re avoiding my question.”