Bereft (Seven Year Itch #2)(36)
I reached over and touched the back of her hand. She started to jerk it away, but at the last minute left it to remain. “Can I hold you?”
She sniffled and shrugged her shoulders. “It will probably make matters worse.”
“I don’t care. Let me hold you. Please, Rachel.”
She leaned over and let me wrap my arms around her. In that moment I lost it. I didn’t let go, but I was struggling to keep enough composure to do it. This was it. This could be the very last time I was this close to my wife. This could be the last time I got to hold her; to touch her in any way.
Together, we cried, letting the pain flow out of us like a running faucet. We’d gotten so caught up in our lives that we’d forgotten how to be married. Life was comfortable, and the monotony left both of us vulnerable. Rachel didn’t deserve to be cheated on. It wasn’t her fault I made the decision to sleep with someone else. The choice had nothing to do with her at all.
Whatever she was involved in now was a direct result of what I’d put her through. She was lashing out, desperate to feel a connection, since I’d ruined our relationship. My self-conscious wife needed to be reminded how amazing she was, and she felt getting the attention from someone else was the best way to do so.
My aching heart wasn’t going to heal, not without her in my life. That’s why I couldn’t bear to think about when morning came and she asked me to leave her alone again.
If I knew anything about my wife it was that she tried to keep the peace. If she was giving in to my requests it meant she was exhausted. She needed reprieve and this was her way of saying goodbye without the words. I could sense it in the way she cried, how much this hurt. Her pain radiated through me as if we were electrically connected. “I’m so so sorry, babe. God, what have I done to us? What have I done?”
I believe every man has a breaking point. Mine was losing Rachel. Being this close to her again brought so much into perspective. I wondered how I would go on without her. The saying is true. You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone.
Chapter 19
Rachel
I’m not sure why I agreed to let Grayson back in our bed. The same goes for him holding me. I knew it wouldn’t help, but to some degree it made the pain a little easier to bear. He was with me, alone, and in those moments nothing else in the world mattered.
Our temporary fix left me vulnerable again. I found myself questioning if I’d be able to forgive him and start over. There were so many reasons I wanted to trust my husband, but only time would tell if I’d truly be able to. Right now I knew he wasn’t seeing Kyla. That didn’t mean he wouldn’t have a change of heart. I had to wait it out, and in the meantime I had to get my affairs in order, just in case.
With that being said, there was still the topic of Chad. Being close to Grayson made me more aware of the taboo things I’d done with another man. I knew it was important to focus on my job, instead of the little romps we’d been having. At the end of the day I had to live with all my decisions, good and bad.
The next morning I woke up in the arms of my husband. I would have liked to think all the bad was just a dream, but as I sat up and saw my suitcase I knew I was mistaken. My marriage was in shambles, and I was now part of the reason. Grayson was a mess, and my leaving wasn’t going to make it any easier, not for either of us.
I tried to sneak out of his reach without waking him, but failed miserably. Grayson stirred, opening his eyes and becoming alert to our situation. “Where are you going?”
“I have to get ready for work. Go back to sleep.”
He sat up straight and looked around the room, finally stopping at my full luggage. I watched his face fall to a sad frown. “I was hoping you’d change your mind.”
I sat on the edge of the mattress. “I know. I think we need time apart, Grayson. Maybe it will help us.”
“Or maybe it will break us apart forever. Last night helped. You have to admit it.”
“Last night was intense, yes, but it didn’t solve anything. We’re still in the same predicament, and without some separation I’m afraid we’ll have resentment. We’ve both made decisions which impact our future. I need to be able to grasp everything before I can handle and decide what comes next. Do you understand?”
He put his head down and traced the fabric of my nightgown. “I love you so much. I just don’t want it to be over.”
“Grayson, I can’t make promises right now. I know it hurts. Trust me, I feel it too. It’s just best if we spend time apart.”
“You’re punishing me. I get it.”
“No!” I defended. “It’s not about that. We both need a breather.”
“Does your breather have a name?”
This annoyed me. I was trying my hardest to be considerate. This had nothing to do with Chad. I’d made the decision to stop our tryst. I knew what was at stake, and no one, not even Grayson, wanted it resolved as much as I did. “You would go there. Just remember you’re the one who made this ugly. I was really hoping we could do this cordially.”
I got up and headed for the bathroom. “Come on, Rachel. You can’t be serious. I have a right to ask.”
Twirling around, I gave him a look of disgust. “No. You don’t! You lost your right to my private life. Now, last night opened my eyes to a lot of things, but it changes nothing. I’m leaving. I’m taking some items with me I’ll need. Maybe I’ll stop by on the weekend for more. I don’t know yet. For now, I don’t have a set plan. When I get it figured out, you’ll be the first to know.”