Bereft (Seven Year Itch #2)(34)
I sighed, feeling like I was making his pain worse, and sat down beside him. “A part of me will always love you. We will need to get along for Stephanie. She’ll want to spend holidays together. I need time to heal so I’m able to do that. I’d like to be able to be in the same room and not want to strangle you. Right now it’s still too painful. I’ve never felt so alone as I did when I saw you with Kyla. I trusted the both of you, and you took me for a fool.”
He tried to reach for my hand before I pulled it away. I stood, unable to allow him to try again. “Rachel, don’t give up on me.”
“I have to go to bed now. I’ve got a busy day tomorrow. On top of everything you put me though, I almost lost my job. I was home early that day because we got word the company was closing it’s doors. Charles is retiring and his family wants to pursue other ventures. I needed you, and come to find out you were here f*cking a child we’d thought of as family. Speaking about it makes me sick.” I turned my gaze away from him. “I have an opportunity to save the company, but it’s going to take a lot of time and I’ve already committed to it. Tomorrow I’ll search for a small place to rent. I get how much it hurts you. It’s killing me too. You think I wanted to see this happening between us? I wanted to be with you forever. When I said those vows I meant them.”
“I know,” he replied sadly. “I’m sorry about your job.”
“Like I said, I think I can save the company, and even better my position. I met with Charles and his grandson today. We brought the lawyer and accountant in, and went over the numbers we’d need. We’re going to have to move to a smaller facility, and half the staff will still be without jobs, but it’s a start. I’m hopeful I can keep a lot of people who need their jobs to support their families. I’ve got a lot to do, and I know if I throw myself into this, I’ll be able to get by day to day without you in my life. I won’t be happy. There’s nothing I want more than this to all go away. It’s just not feasible. I’m asking you to give me time. I can’t offer anything else.”
He nodded, even though I could tell he wasn’t thrilled with my decisions. “Okay. I can give you time. Just promise me you won’t meet with a lawyer, not until we talk again. Promise me you won’t take drastic measures when it comes to our marriage.”
It was a fair request. “Okay. I promise I won’t see the lawyer yet.”
I started walking up the stairs and heard him coming up behind me. “Rachel, wait. There’s something I need to say, in case you’re gone when I get up.”
I stopped and gave him my attention. “I’m listening.”
“This new guy, whoever he is. I hope he’s what you need. You’re right. I have no business asking you what your intentions are, but that doesn’t mean I don’t still care. If this is what you need to cope, I get it. Some people won’t, but it makes sense. You need to do this, because I’ve made you feel like you weren’t enough for me. I promise I’ve never felt that way about you, but I get you need to do whatever it takes to get through this. If you ever need to talk please know I’m here for you. I always will be. No matter how long it takes you to see it. I’ll be the man waiting for another chance. I love you that much, Rachel. I’d give you to someone else if it helped you heal.” He was breaking down in front of me. I felt horrible. “Just know he’ll never love you, not the way I do. One day you’ll believe that. I just hope I’m still around when it happens.”
I ran up the stairs like my feet were on fire. I had to get away from him. Grayson knew me too well. He was going to say whatever he could to get into my good graces. He was willing to throw himself under a bus to make me see how much he was willing to sacrifice to get me back.
A part of me felt appreciative, while the other half of me still wondered if I’d ever be able to look at him as anything but the cheater who ruined our lives.
In all my efforts to remain calm, his words crushed me. I locked the bedroom door and sulked. While some would find comfort in knowing they had someone to wipe away the tears and make them forget, my heart still remained with my husband; the man I’d built a beautiful life with.
Sure, in some ways I’d made the same choices, yet I never would have gone in that direction had he not done it first. I’m not justifying what I was doing as the right choice for everyone. For me personally, it was the only way I saw myself being able to get over his betrayal. I could now understand how easy it would have been to fall victim to my own desires. I’d slept with Chad for a few reasons, but mostly because I wanted to forget about my problems and feel good about myself again.
For the most part it was working, except for when I was alone, like right now. I looked around the room, thinking about the time we’d spent the weekend repainting the walls, or when Grayson decided to surprise me with new bedroom furniture. On the walls were pictures we’d purchased when we’d taken a family trip to Guanacaste Costa Rica when Stephanie was just eleven years old.
The Vase on my nightstand was purchased on a trip to Canada we took as chaperones when Stephanie was in the marching band and there for a competition. Our bedding was from the Amish market, and the matching curtains Grayson had made for a birthday present.
Everywhere I looked were the memories of our beautiful life. Everything I touched reminded me of it, like the sheets we’d bought on sale when a local store was going out of business. They were soft, and inviting, and when I climbed in at night I was so comfortable I fell right asleep.