Belong (Seven Year Itch #3)(50)
We got halfway up the stairs before I let go of Rachel’s hand, turned around and lifted her whole body in my arms. She clung to my neck, pressing her lips against mine without reluctance. This was where we were supposed to be; together and unafraid of what could come.
Instead I was grasping at straws, desperate to cling to some kind of hope that I knew wasn’t there. In actuality this was our goodbye.
Some people look their whole lives for love without finding the one person they’re meant to be with. Rachel and I had discovered it with each other twice, only to realize we still couldn’t make it work.
“Tell me you don’t want this, Rach. That’s the only way I’ll be able to stop myself.”
Her hands laced with mine as she responded. “You’re all I want, Chad. Stay the night with me. Hold me in your arms and let’s pretend you never have to let me go.”
“You know if I could stay with you forever I would. I’d give you the world. We’d be amazing.”
“We already are.” She placed a chaste kiss in between her words. “It doesn’t matter how many miles might distance us. We’re going to have this again. I won’t give up.”
I smiled. “Neither will I, babe. I’ll find a way to come back to you.”
“You better.”
Her shirt was the first to come off, forced by my gentle hands while they coursed a trail up her skin. I crouched my body down, making a short detour to kiss and lick over her smooth neck, taking in the scent of her sweet skin, and how I’d never be able to get it out of my mind. She smelled like lavender and sunshine, and if I could bottle it up into one of those three wick candles I would have. While my nose was fascinated, basking in her essence, my palms soothed over her breasts, then underneath to push her bra out of the way. Once it cleared her supple mounds, she took the liberty of taking it off so I wouldn’t have to.
I moved my head around one of her breasts, dragging my lips over the nipple without opening my mouth. I could feel it hardening, like it was awakening, preparing for my hungry feast.
Being this close to her, feeling her hands coming up and holding onto my shoulders, made me yearn to risk everything for us to be together. Our powerful connection left me vulnerable, seeking a resolution I knew wasn’t reachable. My lips parted, only to be distracted when Rachel’s shaking alarmed me. I peered up to notice her crying. Her body trembled; the pain of this being our goodbye breaking her. I wished I could take away the heartache, to shelter her from reality, but mostly to keep her mine. If only things were different. If only there was a way to hold on to hope. To be able to count on each other through good and bad. I hated letting her down, betraying her inner soul for the second time. Mostly, I felt defeated because I wouldn’t be the man to take away her sorrows and promise her a better future.
With nothing to offer her but pain, it was impossible to focus on anything else, especially in her current condition.
What was I to do? Ask her to wait eighteen years until I moved away from my children without regret?
“Please don’t cry, Rach. It’s not like we can’t talk. I’ll always be there for you. I’m only going to be a phone call away. I know it’s not enough, but at least it’s something.”
She wiped her tears away. “I feel like you’re the best part of me. As I crumble to pieces you’re the only person I want to make the pain go away. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think about you when Grayson died. A part of me wanted to reach out to you, because I knew you could fix what was broken, but I felt guilty thinking it. I didn’t want to admit that you were my backup, because you and I both know you’ve never been just a second choice for me. Asking me to go back in time wouldn’t solve anything. You made the choice for me, and even though I don’t regret going back to Grayson instead of fighting for you, I can appreciate why you did what you did. I thought you didn’t love me enough, but now I know different.”
“Rachel,” I said her full name in almost a whisper. “You’re all I’ve ever wanted. I feel like as soon as I get a taste of perfection it’s taken away from me. I didn’t anticipate this to happen between us.”
“Me either,” she interrupted.
“Let me make love to you, not because it’s goodbye, but because we both need to be close to each other, because we can’t let go yet.”
She nodded, accepting my fast kiss like it was our last moments on earth. Like lightening was crashing around us, I took her in my arms, shielding her from the temporary rush of pain that came with such an embrace.
This time when I picked her up, I felt her legs wrap around my waist. She clung to me, placing her arms around my neck as I led us the rest of the way into her bedroom.
The décor may have been different from ten years ago, but the furniture was arranged in the same position. We made it to the bed within ten steps, and as she fell back onto the mattress, I kept kissing her while climbing to hover over her.
My shirt was being ripped over my head, her cold hands sending chills throughout my limbs. Fueled by fear, the remaining articles of clothing came off quickly. I stood at the foot of the bed taking her in, savoring the moment before getting close again. Every inch was like a mile left to go, traveling until I’d reached all the landmarks. Before we were able to get lost under the covers, I was intent on making damn sure I didn’t miss the opportunity to memorize her curves, and the way her body reacted to my touch.