Belong (Seven Year Itch #3)(21)
It was too much, even for a grown man, to be able to handle. As much as I wished I could drown my sorrows in a bottle of strong alcohol, I knew I had a child who needed me, who depended on me, who was waiting for a peanut butter sandwich and piece of special chocolate.
When I stood and gathered myself enough to make it downstairs, I made a outspoken plea with God, or whoever was listening, even if it was just the walls. “Please help me manage this, if not for me, for her. Help me be strong for my daughter. It’s all I ask.”
Chapter 11
Leaving the wake early wasn’t what was splitting my heart into two, it was the idea of having to do it because of Chad’s wife. She’d made it clear I wasn’t wanted there, and as much as I wanted to defend myself and my friendship with Charles, I knew I’d be hurting Chad, and that wasn’t an option. Maybe she was right. Maybe I did threaten her, in an unintentional way. Her husband had loved me for a time. If things were different we could have ended up together. Of course she’d feel jealous with him including me in the service and embracing me like I still mattered. After all the time that had passed, he could still get to me, and I didn’t know how to handle it without getting as far away from him as possible.
The past two years had been extremely hard for me. It had been a long time since my husband died tragically. One minute he was healthy and fine, and the next he was gone. After one heart attack we thought we knew what we were up against. He changed his diet and exercised daily, at first. When he started to feel better, he assumed he could slowly go back to doing and eating some of the things he’d grown up on. He swore he’d be fine. He promised nothing would keep us from having a long and happy life together. I knew he was sneaking fried foods when I wasn’t home, and I was positive the treadmill hadn’t been walked on for months.
I’d come home from work on a Friday night to find him unconscious on the kitchen floor. He was already starting to get cold. Immediately I called for an ambulance. They shocked him twice with no response. When they made it to the hospital he was already gone.
I’ll never know if it was quick or if he laid around suffering, unable to call for help. He’d just turned sixty, and we assumed he had a lot longer to go. We were wrong.
When I close my eyes and think about everything we went through in our marriage, I’m thankful we had the time we did. There was a brief few months, years ago, when I thought I should have been with Chad. Now I knew how important it was to go back to Grayson; to be able to share the rest of his life with him without regrets. In all honesty, I had none. We were very much in love. I’d forgiven him long ago for his infidelities, and we’d grown stronger in friendship as a couple. Not a single day goes by where I didn’t miss him. It’s why I knew I had to walk away when Chad’s wife felt threatened. Life is too short. I didn’t want him having to go through struggles just because I was around. If she was that uneasy being in the same room with me, I was okay being the person to leave. After all, she was Chad’s wife, and I was only a friend of the family.
Our talk in the parking lot made it ten times worse. The look on his face was something I’ll never be able to get out of my mind. Ten years had gone by and that man could still get the same reaction out of me. His big heart was impossible to forget. I wished we had time to catch up. I would have liked to hear about his life in California and the beautiful family he’d created for himself. I was proud of him. I wanted him to be happy. There weren’t hard feelings between us, and I certainly wasn’t uncomfortable being near him. Contrary to how it should have felt, it was like no time had passed between us. Chad had been my friend first. Well, actually he’d been my enemy, up until he was the only person in my life to help me go through a tough time. Then he became my rock, and soon after, much more.
I understood why his wife would hate me, even though he and I knew nothing had happened between us, not for a very long time. Chad had been the one to call things off. He’d sent me away to be with Grayson, making the choice so I didn’t have to do it. He’d signed over the agency and moved to California. I think I always knew I’d see him when his grandfather fell ill, but I never expected it to go down the way it had.
If I were his wife I probably would have done the same thing. Chad was the kind of man women dream of being with. On the outside he’d always seemed shallow to me when he was younger, but once I got to know the real man he’d become, I fell in love with him.
After Grayson died I considered reaching out to him, not for anything romantic, but for a friend. I was alone, and in so much unimaginable pain. As much as I appreciating having my step-daughter, I couldn’t express certain things to her. I yearned for a friend to promise me life would be okay after such a loss, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. The timing was never right, plus Charles had told me about his marriage.
I recall internet searching his wife to see what she looked like when I’d heard about his nuptials. I knew she’d be beautiful. Together they were stunning. Their daughter was perfect. He’d finally gotten his chance at happiness. He’d become a father, and nothing would ever compare to how that felt.
Having Stephanie was a blessing, but I’d never know what it was like to have my own child, to experience childbirth and raising an infant from day one. My biological clock was getting ready to retire, and I wasn’t in any condition to go out looking for another man to spend the rest of my life with.