Twelve Steps to Normal(48)

“Kira.” Jay fiddles with his left earlobe. It’s a nervous tic. I noticed that he did it a lot during tests our freshman year. “Jennifer stopped by with more beer.” He holds up a twelve-pack.

Oh. This is Jennifer.

“I better go.” She eyes me like I’ve interrupted something. “I didn’t realize I was holding you up.”

I don’t want Jay to think I was looking for him, so I let my keys dangle from my fingers. “I left my phone in the car.”

I step around them and walk down the porch steps toward the driveway. When I glance back, Jennifer is still standing there talking to him. The whole image makes my stomach churn. How long has he been out here? Why was he nervous? I mean, it’s not like they were doing anything, but it doesn’t exactly seem innocent.

I haven’t talked to Jay since Tuesday’s history class when he put my name in that hangman puzzle. I feel guilty. I know it wasn’t my fault, but still. If Whitney is overreacting about Jennifer, she would definitely overreact if she saw my name written in his notebook.

And since when did Jay start talking with older girls? And when did he start accepting beer from older girls? He’s always had a reputation for being a star student and star basketball player. Breck’s the one who’s notorious for flirting, not him.

After I grab my phone and lock up, I head back to the house. Jay is still on the porch, but there’s no sign of Jennifer. He gives me a small wave as I come closer.

“So,” I say, raising an eyebrow. “You’re on beer duty?”

He shrugs. “I thought we could use more. The night is young.”

I’m not standing very close to him, but I’m close enough to smell his cologne. It’s a little overpowering, something that’s musky and unfamiliar. He’s wearing a black button-down with a pair of jeans. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him in a nice shirt before. It’s like he’s stepped out of a J. Crew ad. It feels… wrong.

“Whitney’s looking for you.”

His amused expression deflates a little. “I figured,” he says, opening the front door. “Better go.”

He’s distant again. I step inside behind him, but instead of feeling uneasy at how weird our friendship has become, I feel a little irritated. He’s acting like being with Whitney is a chore. Which is annoying. Even though we’re not on the best terms at the moment, Whitney is one of the most caring people I know. She’s witty and kind and pretty, and if he can’t appreciate all the great things about her, why does he even bother?

Jay goes into the kitchen to deliver the rest of the beer, but I make a right into the living room. Lin is scrolling through something on her phone when I come up and stand next to her.

“I ran into Jay outside,” I blurt before I can think about what I’m doing.

Lin slides her phone in her pocket and looks at me. “You did?”

“He was with that girl. Jennifer.”

Lin’s eyes dart across the room to where Breck and Whitney are still sitting together in the love seat. Her head is tipped back in laughter, her brown hair spilling down the open back of her dress.

Lin sighs. “Don’t tell her.”

I frown. “Doesn’t that go against best friend code?”

“Trust me. She’s already thinking the worst. It’s better if she doesn’t have confirmation.”

“They were just talking,” I say, but I don’t know why I defend him.

Lin looks at me like I’m as transparent as a glass of water. “Do you believe that?”

I’m not sure. It’s like my life has been divided into two phases and I’m still living in the pre-Portland phase. That Jay was completely committed to our relationship. He was friendly, sure, but he wasn’t intentionally flirty. I never felt like he was untrust-worthy.

Now I’m not so sure.

Lin lifts her cup to her lips and says, “You see what she’s doing right now, right?”

I turn my gaze back to Whitney. She has one hand resting on Breck’s knee, and it looks like she’s whispering something in his ear. He cracks a smile and playfully nudges her waist with his elbow. We’ve all been close friends for a long time, but the whole room must be seeing what I’m seeing. And what I’m seeing doesn’t appear innocent.

“They’re stuck in some type of jealousy loop,” Lin says. She adjusts her frames before turning back to me. “I don’t think they’ve cheated on each other, but it’s like… I don’t know. Some kind of validation?”

I’m so confused. “What do you mean?”

Lin thinks for a minute. “It’s like they’re sending each other a message saying that they could each easily be with someone else, but at the end of the night they’ll leave together. They always do.”

I run my tongue across my bottom teeth. That doesn’t seem very healthy, but it’s not like I have the right to judge other people’s relationships. All I know is that was never how I felt with Jay, like I had to prove myself. Whitney shouldn’t have to, either. She deserves better.

My insides turn cold. If I think she deserves better, then why would I want Jay back at all?

The question immediately dissolves when I hear Whitney yell, “Kira! Lin!” from across the room. Lin gives me a strict look that says, this stays between us. I nod, even though I feel weird about the whole thing.