Twelve Steps to Normal(46)

When I stop under the grove of trees, he slows his pace. I’m thankful to see he’s pulled his shirt back on. I can’t handle any more distractions right now, and I cannot, cannot be attracted to Alex Ramos.

Because, well, aren’t I holding out for Jay?

I watch him lift the cup over his head, coming closer to me.

I hold my hands in the air. “Truce?”

He just smiles. “Why don’t we make it even?”

Before I have a chance to run, Alex tips his cup. Ice-cold water soaks the top of my head and runs down my neck. Well, good. Maybe this is just what I need to nip my temporary loss of control right in the bud.

He laughs. I laugh, too. “You suck.”

Alex only shrugs, but he looks proud of himself.

We spend the rest of the time picking up trash and talking about trivial things. He argues that the second season of Crime Boss is the best, but I think the fourth is the clear winner. We take turns trying to imitate Mrs. Donaldson’s nasally voice and wonder if Cedarville’s new football team will be good enough to go to state this year, which leads us to discussing our favorite concession foods. (Alex prefers hot dogs. I prefer nachos.)

We don’t talk about his text.

I know I can easily bring it up, but I can’t seem to let the words form on my tongue. He deserves to know I got the message. Yet every time I consider opening my mouth, I remember how it felt when he told me he was going to Sadie’s with Lacey. The unexpectedness, like losing your footing in front of a large crowd, was mortifying. Bringing up his text from so long ago only for him to stumble out with “Oh! That. Yeah, I don’t feel that way now” is something I don’t think I’m ready to hear.

Maybe, maybe I’m afraid of being denied by Alex Ramos again.

When our time is up, we walk back to the picnic table. Our steps fall in sync together. It’s nice. Peaceful. I take a moment and stare up at the sky.

“I used to wish my eyes were blue,” I say. “I’d tell my dad I wanted them to be the color of the sky. Brown is boring.”

“Nah, I like brown.” Alex’s gentle gaze falls on mine, making my heart race unexpectedly. A beat passes. Then another. “It suits you perfectly.”





SIXTEEN


I HAVE UNINTERRUPTED TIME IN the bathroom as I get ready for Breck’s party Saturday evening. We won the game against East Meadow yesterday, which put us all in a great mood. Raegan didn’t even complain about Breck’s party once.

I pull on my new cream-colored top, wrap my hair into a messy bun, and because I’m feeling festive, I slip into a pair of strappy wedges and slather on a bold, red lipstick. For the first time in weeks, I feel good. Confident.

When Alex gave me a ride back after the cleanup yesterday, I was tempted to ask if he was coming to Breck’s party. In the end, I didn’t. I knew it wasn’t exactly his type of thing. At least that’s what I tell myself. The honest part of me knows it’s because Jay will be there, and perhaps I don’t want to admit my feelings toward Alex are slightly complex.

I still don’t know what came over me yesterday. I blame the heat.

I grab my purse and keys from my nightstand. I’m a few feet away from the stairs when Nonnie whirls around the corner, Wallis at her heels. When he spots me, he begins to pounce toward me.

“Stay!” I shout.

Wallis turns his wet nose to me, then back at Nonnie. He flumps his butt on the ground.

I let out a breath.

Nonnie takes in my attire. “Oh my, where are you going?”

I didn’t expect to run into anyone as I was leaving. Earlier I told my dad that a few of us were going to hang at Breck’s house and that, yes, parents would be home. Other than having to check in twice, either by text or by call, he was okay with it. The less he knew, the better.

“A friend’s.” I don’t elaborate.

Nonnie grins. “There’ll be boys at this party?”

I fold my arms. “I said I was going to a friend’s.”

“Oh good lord, child. I was born at night, but not last night. Just be careful of those young fellows. At your age, they don’t exactly think with their brain, if you know what I mean.”

Wallis gives a resounding woof! as if he’s a part of this conversation.

I slide by her, antsy to leave already. “I will.”

I blast my music loud as I make the short drive to Breck’s house. It’s a beautiful, cloudless Texas night with the slightest stirring of a breeze. The stars are bold freckles on the sky, brighter than I remember them being in Portland. Once I park, I grab my purse and head inside.

Surprisingly, the party is pretty low-key. There can’t be more than three dozen people here, including a majority of the boys’ basketball team. I say hi to a few girls I know from the Wavettes as I step through the doorway, moving past a small group chugging from red Solo cups.

I spot Colton first. He’s wearing a black skull T-shirt with his headphones around his neck, and he waves when he sees me.

“Glad you showed,” he says, and I notice he’s traded his green braces bands for black ones. “Whitney and Lin are outside.”

I almost say a quick thanks and leave, but I remember my list and the fact that he’s number 9. Colton and I were never close, but we were friends. I don’t want to dismiss him so quickly.