Riding With Brighton(70)
“No, Brighton, this is just the beginning. The beginning of the rest of my family’s life.”
“So you’re fighting? You’re fighting with your mom and your brother?”
“No. Not fighting. Mom left. Ty was already hating me for that, and then he saw my Instagram account. My dad is a mess.”
“Jesus, Jay. I’m sorry.”
“It’s not your fault.”
“I shouldn’t have put that picture on there.”
There is a muffled, bitter laugh on the other line. “He didn’t see your account. All you posted was a picture of me. I’m the selfish, blind idiot who was too worried about people thinking I was still in the closet and had to prove them wrong. Meanwhile, my family’s downstairs tearing themselves apart. I’m such an asshole. All I ever fucking worry about is me. Not once did I consider how this was gonna affect them.”
“This isn’t about them, Jay. For once, it’s finally about you, and that’s okay. You’re not selfish. You’re going through some pretty serious shit, and if they can’t see that, if they can’t try to understand, then they’re the selfish ones. You can’t keep being miserable just to keep the peace. You’ve come so far, Jay. You can’t turn around now.”
“What about my dad? I’m gonna be leaving here next year, and what will I be leaving him with? He’ll be alone. My mom’s gonna go, and she’s gonna take Ty with her. He won’t have anyone.”
“She’s gonna come back. It’s gonna be okay. Your dad just wants you to be happy. He wouldn’t want you going back to pretending for his sake. You know that.”
“This is just so messed-up. Why did I have to do this now? Why couldn’t I have just waited until I left here?”
“Are you wishing yesterday wouldn’t have happened?” I ask, holding my breath. If he says yes, my heart just might break.
“I don’t know,” he finally whispers.
I don’t have a response to that. How can he not know? I wouldn’t trade yesterday for anything. I wouldn’t give up that time with him for anything. And he doesn’t know.
“Yesterday I felt like everything was possible. But right now… I just feel hopeless. Which is worse than what I felt before yesterday. Maybe I just should have accepted the nothingness I was living in. It was better than this. I’m sorry, Brighton, I’m just… drained. I don’t even know what I’m saying. I just want to close my eyes and forget for tonight. I just want to get some sleep. Can I talk to you tomorrow?”
Jesus, now I’m feeling hopeless too. And helpless. And completely depressed. “Yeah, okay,” I tell him because I don’t know what else to say. I’m sure he does need sleep. All I can do is hope that when he wakes up tomorrow, things will look different.
Without another word from him, the line goes dead. I want to call him back. I want to send him an epic text. I want to go to him and yank him back into my life. I want to go back to yesterday when things were possible.
But I don’t do any of those things. I stare at the pictures I took of us, and I think. I think about everything we went through yesterday. I think about the words Jay used to describe his former life. I think about the conversation we had in Jones’s backyard about how almost everyone is hiding and pretending. Does the entire world suck? And why the hell does it have to be that way? Why are we wired to care so damn much about what other people think? And why the hell do we feel the need to tear people down for being who they are?
And then a brilliant idea comes to me. A vision. Might even be a damn epiphany. I don’t know, but for the moment at least, I feel inspired… maybe even hopeful. I call Molly and tell her my crazy idea. I also call Nico and Jones. Molly thinks I’m crazy, Nico is amused, Jones is amped up, and all three are on board.
And then I can’t stand it anymore. I can’t stand the idea of Jay, alone in his room, dreaming bad dreams… or awake and still living the nightmare inside his head.
I head upstairs, scratch a quick note to my parents, and then I get in the Bronco and head to Jay’s. The whole way, all I can think about is the day we spent driving around in this thing. All the things we did, all the changes that happened. I can practically feel him sitting next to me. I need him back. I need the kid who went on that journey with me back.
When I pass by his house, I can see the minivan at the top of his long driveway, and I hope that means his mom came back. I hope that means there is a possibility his family can work through this. But it also makes me doubt what I’m doing. I probably shouldn’t be sneaking into his room. If his mom were to catch me, it would probably send her into another tailspin.
I sit outside his house for a while looking for signs of life. The house is dark and the longer I sit here, the more I can feel Jay alone in his room. The more I feel like he needs me.
Fuck it. I drive a couple of blocks down the road and park my truck. I sprint back to his house and head up the side of his front yard thinking I should have dressed in black and painted my face camo or some shit. I’m seriously afraid of his mom. She is one scary woman, and the thought of her catching me has gallons of adrenaline pouring through my veins.
As stealth-like as possible, I climb on the banister and pull myself up on the eave above the porch. From there it’s pretty easy to climb to the next eave, and from there I can stretch my body and see into Jay’s room. There’s a small crack in the curtains that I can see through, but the room’s dark. I knock lightly and wait, but of course it doesn’t wake him, and I’m not willing to cause any more ruckus for fear of waking the beast. As a last-ditch effort, I push on the window frame and… it slides open. And there’s no screen. Score.