Riding With Brighton(74)

Or, I know, I bet you really wanted a prom scene. I show up at Brighton’s in a stretch limo, looking all dapper in my suit. Our parents are gathered at his house because they’re all best friends now, sporting matching Proud Parents of a Gay Man bumper stickers on their cars. Maybe Brighton and I have some special alone time where we ponder how great our relationship is before totally making out in that sexy luxury room on wheels. After that we pick up the perfect mix of my supportive friends and his supportive friends, and we have the best night ever.

That might happen. If I had to bet, I would say we’re definitely going to prom and, seriously, sharing the dorm room is a damn good idea, right? It seems like this could be one of those long-term situations. But who knows? Anything can happen. If you’re doing what you’re meant to do, I think great things can happen.

I guess that’s the lesson I’ve learned. I mean, the main one is that I’m 100 percent gay. Specifically, I’m totally gay for Brighton, but you probably can’t relate to that. In fact, you better not even think about relating to that because he’s mine. Seriously, if you got the impression that he’s some tall, dark, and handsome kid with amazing eyes, unbelievable lips, and chiseled bone structure, you were reading between the lines. And all that shit about him being cool and sweet and good with his hands and mouth… I mean, that’s just my opinion. You probably wouldn’t see it that way.

But anyway—the lesson. Are you ready? Here it goes…. Go live your life.

Were you expecting something more profound? ’Cause that’s all I’ve got. But it’s the truth, and it’s an important truth.

Seriously, all that crap you’ve heard about: carpe diem, today’s a gift, which is why we call it the present… hell, even YOLO—it’s all true. Have you been paying attention to the inspirational phrases in your life?

Every day when you wake up, get your ass out of bed, and then go do whatever the hell it is that makes you happy. And do not ever do anything just because you think it will make you cool or because it’s what people expect you to do.

If you’re picking out your clothes and you think what’s Joe gonna be wearing today? Or, what will Mary think of this shirt? Go ahead and slap yourself, and not a mental slap either. Seriously, take your hand and force it into your face because you deserve to feel pain for making decisions about your life based on other people’s opinions.

And if you’re hanging out with people who are assholes to you or anyone else because you’re afraid of being alone or not being popular, seriously, I know it’s hard, but dig deep and find people in your life who you actually like and who actually like you back, and then try to multiply them. Or don’t. I mean, how many people do you really need in your life? If the answer is a lot, don’t stress, you’ll find them. There are a ton of awesome people out there. Maybe you’re just not looking in the right places. Try your local drug emporium, sculpture park, or the wall at your next party where the too kids are hanging out. I don’t know, it’s your life, but seriously—go find them.

You’re shaking with fear, aren’t you? I get it, it’s scary. And right now it’s hard to see outside of the little box you feel stuck in, but trust me, it will be worth it.

Change your life now.

Find your happiness now.

Be yourself now.

Speak your mind now.

If not, you’re gonna have regret. And regret totally sucks. You’re gonna look back on your life and think… what if. The less years of regret you have, the better. But if you already have them, don’t feel bad. There are always lessons learned from regret. You always appreciate what you have more if you have some regret in you. And once you’re finally living without regret, you will do anything you can to avoid feeling it again.

I know what you’re thinking: But Jay, the only reason you had the balls to do what you did is because of that epiphany. And you would be right—I did have an epiphany. But it didn’t come from some deity or whatever; it came from that part of me that I had molded into a little nugget, before shoving it into the back of the smallest closet in the apartment of my brain. But that little fucker jimmied the lock on his closet door and had a party in my head that night, running around, spreading all his crazy ideas everywhere. God, I love that little guy. And I’m glad I listened to him. You should listen to yourself too. Those small thoughts that pop up when you least expect them that make so much sense but that you quickly forget about—that’s you. The real you, the part that wants to come out. Let it out.

Remember what Brighton said about having his own personal sunshine after he got back on his board? I totally get it. That’s what it feels like. He’s part of that sunshine, at least half the rays, but the rest of the rays are freedom and hope and happiness and excitement about living. About the future. It’s an awesome feeling.

Don’t get me wrong. Life’s still scary. Right now, for instance. I’m alone. In my room. I woke up alone. No Brighton in sight.

When I walk out this door, I have no idea what I’m gonna find. I have no idea what’s going on with my family or if the family I’ve always known even exists anymore. And yeah, that’s scary as hell. And I feel guilty and awful about it. And I’ll do everything I can to make things right again.

Everything but go back to being that straight, miserable kid.