Four Doors Down(68)
He walks straight into his house and directly up the stairs, pulling me with him. He opens his bedroom door and pushes me in, following and closing the door behind him.
“God, Becca! You’re driving me crazy.”
I nod, rubbing my arm. It hurts a bit from him pulling so hard and I’m a little out of breath from the running, but I don’t think this is the best time to mention it.
He walks past me toward his desk, his back to me. Suddenly he turns around and looks me dead in the eye. “Why have you avoided me all week? After we kissed?”
I blush and look around the room. This is so weird.
“Becca?” he coaxes me.
“Because I thought you were going to tell everyone about how I threw myself at you and turn me into a laughing stock. You know, embarrass me.”
Ryan sighs and shakes his head at me. “You actually think I’d be embarrassed about what happened?”
I shrug. “I was. I don’t know what came over me. I know everyone would find it hilarious, me kissing you.”
Ryan sighs loudly, shaking his head at me. “You are so clueless, Becca.” He squares his shoulders and takes a deep breath. “I’m gonna speak and for once you’re just going to listen to me. Okay? No interruptions.”
I nod slightly. I suddenly feel awkward. This is the first time in years I’ve been in his room and I don’t know what to do with myself. I look back at Ryan, who is studying me intently and decide I’d prefer to look at the floor.
“Look, I stopped talking to you in the seventh grade because the guys were giving me shit, saying I liked you. By the time I figured out that I didn’t care what they thought, you were done with me. Like, that was it. I was gone from your life and you didn’t want to know me. And I missed you, Becca, a lot. You act like I don’t even know you, but I know you a lot better than you think. I’m always aware of you. Whenever you’re in the room, I know exactly where you are. Jesus, when I get to the cafeteria at lunch, I look to your table first to see if you’re there before I look at mine. I notice when you miss a day off school. I know what times in the day you go to your locker and I try and be there too. I pick up on anything my mom ever says in passing. I know the only subject you care about is Art, but you’re smart enough to ace every class if you wanted to. I know your first kiss was in a game of spin the bottle and it was with Mason. You have no idea how much that pissed me off. I wouldn’t speak to him for a week. I said those things to Billy Jameson that time because I was crazy jealous that you were out on a date with him. It should have been me that took you on your first date and I couldn’t handle that you were there with him. I swear on my mom’s life, though, Becca—I would have stopped that bet about him sleeping with you. I never, ever would have let that happen to you.” He pauses. “I give you shit at school ‘cause it’s the only way you notice me.”
He pauses. I don’t dare look up. Is he telling me that he likes me? He lets out a sigh of frustration.
“Then these last few weeks you actually started talking to me again and it wasn’t about me pissing you off and you snapping back. We were actually becoming friends again. You’re literally all I can think about, and then you tell me I’ve got it wrong and there’s not a chance we’ll ever be friends. Then that jackass makes you cry, and it makes me want to kill him. And you kiss me. You kiss me Becca, and I think yes, something is going to finally happen between us, and then you freak out. You ignore me all week, refuse to speak to me, make me look like a complete dick in the cafeteria, and then you turn up here looking like that.”
There’s a pause. My body’s shaking.
“And you are just so f*cking annoying!”
My eyes snap up at this and he’s staring straight back at me. Bright blue eyes pinning me still, forcing me not to move.
“And you’re infuriating. And exasperating and moody. And shitty and stubborn. And kind. And funny. And clever and talented. And beautiful.” He pauses. “You’re so freaking beautiful, Becca.”
I’m about to start hyperventilating now.
“And I love you.”
I officially cannot breathe. Ryan is watching me, waiting for me to react and I can barely remember my own name. Ryan Jackson just said he loves me.
I don’t believe this is happening, but his eyes tell me he meant every word. Ryan Jackson, the popular boy at school, my old friend, my total nemesis.
“You love me?” My voice is actually trembling.
He nods, his eyes focused on mine, his hands clenching nervously like he’s not sure he made the right decision to tell me.
“But you’re always with a different girl?”
He shrugs. “I thought you hated me and was trying to forget about you. It didn’t work. None of them are you. It’s only ever been you, Becca.”
“Are you being serious?”
He nods his head and a wry smile crosses his face. “I am so in love with you, Becca. Always have been.” He pauses, studying my face for my reaction. “Everyone knows it too and I couldn’t care less. I’m sick of pretending I don’t think you’re the best person I know. That I don’t think about you the whole time. I think you’re the only one who hasn’t picked up on it.”
I think back and it all starts to make sense. I remember how he always seemed to be there, how he was always watching me if I was talking to someone. How Jake was always trying to push us together, how when we’re not fighting it’s so easy to be around him, how its comfortable and relaxing, like being with my best friend. Then I think how Ryan is capable of pissing me off more than anyone else I’ve ever met, and how I’ve not been able to stop thinking about him or our kiss since it happened.