Four Doors Down(72)

She still didn’t want to know me, she would still rather have talked to anyone over me, but she was still there when my grandmother died. She still chilled with me; she still wouldn’t let me be alone. Because that’s Becca. She’s prickly, she’s snarky, but she’s kind.

After that, I dunno, I figured I had nothing to lose. I started taking more chances, showing up where she was, talking to her more, and I could almost see the internal battle she was fighting. She didn’t want to let me back into her life—she’s nothing if not stubborn—but she was slowly letting her walls down, relaxing around me.

Then she ditched me for Charlie and I lost it. I know I was a dick for letting Jess hit her during dodgeball, but I was so mad at her. I was pissed with Charlie, anyway. Luke had told me what had happened at that gig. He had seen Charlie pull her into the middle of the crowd then just leave her when it turned into a mosh pit. Luke said you could tell just by looking at her how stressed she was getting and Charlie didn’t even notice because he was off doing his own thing. But I couldn’t say anything, no matter how much I wanted to, because as Jake pointed out, she wasn’t my girlfriend, she was his. And he was right. When I mentioned it when we were outside, I could tell how pissed she was with me just for bringing it up. But then she said she’d come and watch my game and I’d thought that was going to be the night, the night she finally just hung with me and would just be there again. I would take any time she would spend with me. I didn’t even think about kissing her. I mean, of course, I thought about it, but I just wanted her to be there for me. I was distracted the whole game, scanning the crowd for her when I could. I’m lucky I didn’t screw the whole thing up, but she never came. At the party afterward, I stood like an idiot watching the door waiting for her to show, but then Erica told me she was with Charlie and I felt like such a fool. I saw Becca’s look of surprise when Mason invited her and her friends to his party. After she’d looked away, he caught my eye and winked at me. He knew I’d want her there, and despite what Becca might think, Mason would never be exclusive about who he invited to his parties. At this stage, everyone was trying to help me with her. They were so sick of my crush (I mean, come on, that tutoring shit they came up with?) and I honestly thought that she would come, but she didn’t even give me a second thought when she went off with Charlie.

Enter Jess. I’m not proud of it, but Jess is cool and she’s hot and she wanted me, so I went with it. I had known that Jess had been into me for a while, but I always avoided hooking up with her in the past because I knew she’d want something serious rather than just a casual hook up. Because that’s the thing—I don’t do girlfriends. Yeah, I dated around—a lot—but I always kept it casual, kept it simple, and that was because of Becca. The only girlfriend I wanted was Becca McKenzie. I’ve always known everyone else was a distraction, but I knew Jess would want more than that. After Becca ditched me, I figured I’d give it a shot with Jess, thought she’d be the perfect person to help me get over this stupid thing with Becca, but it didn’t happen. It didn’t change anything. God, even when I fight with Becca, it excites me. I enjoyed it way more than I would ever admit. Watching her get all flustered and angry and knowing it was me who made her so mad, I realized she did care at least a little bit, even if she’d never admit it. She cared enough to be pissed at me.

So I kept trying, kept trying to be there, and then she told me to stop hanging around her and I had to take it. I had to listen to her and I kept my distance. I tried to stop thinking about her, tried to stop looking out for her, but it didn’t make any difference. I still wanted her. When I saw her crying over Charlie, I wanted to go and ruin the guy. I hated that he had the power to upset her like that, hated that he was lucky enough to have her, yet still treated her like that, hated him for doing that to her. I mean, how stupid could he be?

And then she kissed me, and I’ve never been so surprised or happy about anything in my life.

I thought that was it, that was finally it, but then she stopped suddenly, like she’d only just realized what she was doing, and she freaked. She ran away and left me feeling lower than I’ve ever felt before in my life. Then she ignored me, wouldn’t look at me. If she saw me, she walked in the other direction. Ignored all my calls and texts, even when I plucked up the courage to go to her house, she wouldn’t come downstairs. Then I saw her with Charlie outside her house and I thought they were back together. So I confronted her, in front of everybody.

I could see she was shaking, could see she was mortified, but she had been driving me crazy since our kiss and I wanted to get back at her. I know now it was a shitty thing to do, but can I help the way our school works? Gossip spreads like wildfire, and in all honesty, I wasn’t thinking about anyone else when I confronted her. I just wanted to sort things out with her. Then when Sam cut me off and Jake pulled me away, I realized how unfair that was, how tough that would have been for her. I was pretty sure she’d never, ever speak to me again.

Then she turned up at my dad’s birthday and she looked the most beautiful I’d ever seen her. And that’s saying something since I think she looks beautiful every time I see her. I couldn’t tear my eyes away from her at first and when she confirmed she wasn’t back with Charlie, my heart literally f*cking soared. I decided to do it. Decided to go all out and make her listen to me. Tell her how I felt once and for all. At least then I could say I tried everything.