Trusting Nicole (The Last Hangman MC #4)(67)

“Not even sorry.” He kisses my head.

“We’ll have to wait and see how things go. Nobody can predict those things, that’s what makes life interesting. We have the rest of our lives to see what we want to do. We don’t have to rush into anything you don’t want to.”

“Are you for real?” He looks at me in disbelief.

“Yeah, why?”

“I thought you’d have my ass for not being able to commit or something.”

“Oh, that’s what you meant.” I sigh, not expecting that.

“Knew I’d f*ck up,” he mutters under his breath.

“What is it that you want out of us?”

“I want to be with you and earlier, I-I don’t know what I want right now. All of this is f*cking confusing to me and it’s killing me. When I came here all I wanted to do was to ask you to move in with me. Right now I’m f*cking confused and the more I think about it, the more I want it to happen and the more it scares me that you’re going to realize I’m not worth it.”

“You know what? When you make up your stubborn mind, you know where to find me.” I get up and walk inside, slamming the patio door closed.

I love him but he’s f*cking infuriating. I understand his fear of commitment with all he’s been through but he knows me, he knows I’d always be by his side. Even with all the f*cked up things he’s done. In the back of his mind he’ll always think that he’s a killer, that it’s his true nature. It was just his way of surviving in a hostile environment, survival of the fittest I guess. I’ll have to constantly remind him how much I love him and how his past doesn’t change the way I feel about him.

I’ll just have to be f*cking patient again.





CHAPTER 30




Jason

I knew I would f*ck up.

I knew it and I let it happen again. I don’t know why I keep sabotaging myself, one day she’s not going to take me back and it’s going to kill me.

I walk back to my car and get in. I want to go after her, but I’ll just make things worse. I’m not like her friends. I’m not strong and hot headed like they are or even like she is. I groan in frustration and drive to the compound, well, the ‘under construction’ compound, hoping to get some advice.

The drive isn’t long, but long enough for me to lose myself in thoughts of Nicole and I happy together. When I’m away from her she’s all I think about but when I’m around her, I turn into this scared little boy who’s afraid to commit or that she will be taken from me. Am I just making that shit up in my head to sabotage myself or am I just struggling to accept that I’m someone normal and not the monster I think I am?

I park in front of the bar and leave my f*cked up thoughts behind. I walk to the guys and see they have actually made a lot of progress. They’ve cleared the debris and managed to get the foundations and two walls back up already, the garage is all fixed and so is the playground for the kids. I hear someone call my name and I turn around, looking for the owner of the voice. I see Gabe waving at me from Viv’s bar. I make my way over and he pats my back when I reach him.

“Welcome back, Brother. Good to see you’re still alive.” He chuckles.

“It’s good to be back.” I pat his back in return and make my way inside. I’m greeted by everyone inside and I’m led to a table in the back, which I’m guessing is the new temporary chapel.

“Good to see you in one piece,” Ant chuckles and motions for me to sit down.

“Yeah, just missing one bit.” I chuckle, holding my hand up.

“Hadn’t even noticed. That’s f*cked up,” Ray says.

“I’ll live.” I shrug.

“How are things with the cops and the Russians?” Ant asks, not wasting any time.

“I’m free from the Russians and the cops haven’t been around actually. I don’t know what’s going on, but I haven’t seen them even after being in the hospital for all of this.” I point at my face.

“Free from the Russians?” He asks looking at me intently.

“Yeah, Nikolai gave me the choice to be free or keep working for them.”

“And you picked being free? You’re a fool. You were protected with them.” Ric says.

“I’m still protected and can go back if I want to, but I’m done with that part of my life. I didn’t recognize the man I became and I’m struggling wi-let’s just say it’s hard to make peace with yourself when the only side of yourself you know is the one who tortured and killed people for twenty years.”

“So you’re done with that?” Ant asks me, looking at me oddly.

I sigh. “I’m done being their little bitch, doing their dirty work. If I have to kill someone, I’ll do it. I just don’t want to live that lifestyle anymore. I’ve ruined so many families. Some people weren’t totally innocent, but not worth killing when you just owe money to someone.”

“You have regrets,” Ray says matter of factly.

“A couple. As I said, some people didn’t need to die for what they were accused of. Some people deserved it and some people didn’t get punished enough for what they did.”

“You still have a heart.” Ray smiles. “That’s good.”