Trusting Nicole (The Last Hangman MC #4)(3)
“Yes, why would I not be fine? I mean we fight almost on a daily basis, well when you dare come home. We never talk anymore, you spend more time with those outlaws than with me, you’re around their whores who are probably constantly offering you sex and I’m sure you are too much of a gentleman to decline, should I go on?” she asks keeping her voice levelled and completely shutting me up. She’s never been one to speak her mind this openly. I don’t know what’s happened to her in the last couple of hours. Maybe she talked to her parents and they finally managed to convince her to leave me.
“Where did that come from? You knew from the start that my job isn’t easy and that I wouldn’t be home every single night.” I try not to raise my voice, but truth is, this has f*cking pissed me off. I might not be here a lot, but I do all I can to make sure we have a roof over our heads, food in the fridge, money to pay the bills and still have enough left over for a couple of luxuries I’m sure she’s only too happy to have. I work my ass off to get her everything she wants and yet, she still busts my balls. I don’t completely blame her, but I just can’t handle this shit tonight. Those accusations, when all I want is to keep her safe, are a serious downer on my already shitty mood.
“Just a daily observation. I might not speak a lot, but I do see that you’ve changed, your behavior has changed. Why?” She looks at me intently.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about, I’m still the same.” I know what changed.
“No, Jason, you’re not the same. You’re not the Jason I fell in love with years ago. I barely recognize you anymore,” she sighs sadly.
“We all change, we all grow up.” I down my whiskey in one gulp, enjoying the burning sensation as it makes its way down my throat.
“Sure, people change with the years, but they don’t become a completely different person. You’re like a stranger to me. I don’t see the man I met or fell in love with anymore. I’m tired of waiting for you to come home or for the next person to threaten or attack me. I want to live a normal life again,” she says clearly upset.
“I know, and I promise things will get better after this case.” I try to reassure her, but to no avail.
“You always say that. You said that after that psycho pretended to be you and came after me but here we are months later and I’m getting notes all over again. I don’t know what you’re working on or when it will be over, but I can’t live like this anymore. I’m moving back in with my parents until I can find a place.” she argues, her face void of any emotion.
I sigh and rub my face. I know what this means, she’s finally leaving me and bizarrely, I’m okay with it, partly because it means she’ll be away from here and safe. I should be angry that I’m losing my wife but I’m not, I’m relieved and that’s what’s pissing me off.
“That’s a good idea, you’ll be safe with them.”
“That’s it? You won’t even put up a fight?” She stands up and starts to pace the room.
“It’s for the best, Jen. You’ll be safer far away from here, from me. Your father will be able to protect you better than I have.”
“That’s for sure. You did a f*cking lousy job of it before.” She snarls at me and stalks towards me. She comes to a stop in front of me and slaps me hard across the cheek before rushing towards the stairs. She turns around and points at me with a perfectly manicured finger.
“The Jason I met would have fought and never would let me go. I don’t know what’s happened to you or what you’ve witnessed that has caused this change in you, but I feel sorry for you.” She shakes her head at me before heading upstairs.
If only she knew the reason why I changed so much. I sigh to myself and pour another glass of whiskey before calling one of my men to follow her to her parents’ house.
Twenty minutes and three glasses of whiskey later, Jenny comes back down the stairs with two suitcases and puts them in her car. She comes back in one last time and looks at me with a hopeful expression. I knew she’s hoping that I’ll beg her to stay, but I can’t bring myself to do it.
“Nothing? Really?” She glares at me and puts her hands on her hips looking at me impatiently.
“Drive safely.” I tell her, my voice empty. I can’t even look at her.
She scoffs. “I was a fool for ever loving you, Jason Sanders. You’ve ruined the past six years of my life.” She shouts as she storms out the front door, slamming it shut behind her. I hear her car start and the wheels screech as she speeds away.
I deserved that. I did ruin her life and I never deserved her love. I was never honest about my past, what I do or how I felt about her. She barely knows a damn thing about me. It’s actually a relief that she’s out of my life and away from any danger. She should have left me a long time ago, or I shouldn’t have gone after her at all. I just hope she’ll keep herself safe and that people will stay away from her now that she’s gone from my life.
My only regret is that that was our last proper interaction with each other. We talked on the phone once but that was just to tell her that she had to go into protective custody with Nicole and Viv. Had I have known what was going to happen, I never would have made her leave the security of her home and she would still be alive.
I still can’t believe she’s gone. She didn’t deserve all the shit she’s been through. All the suffering she endured is on me. Her death will haunt me forever. I wish I could have spoken to her one last time to apologize for everything I did wrong. I hate that she never knew the real me, she thought she did, she thought the Jason she met was the real me, but it wasn’t. The more I think about it, the more I wonder if I was ever actually in love with her. As a part of my job I’m so used to lying and keeping up pretenses that it seeps into my personal life. Now, I’m lying to everybody, including the Last Hangman. The bikers might be accepting, but once they know what I’ve been up to, they might not be so forgiving. What a huge f*cking mess.