Thoughtful (Thoughtless, #1.5)(199)
It had taken me by surprise, but I’d fallen for her. I loved everything about her, and I’d wanted her in ways I’d never wanted anyone. But I’d kept my distance from her because of Denny. He was the closest thing to a brother I’d ever had, and I owed him…so much. I couldn’t repay him by stealing his girl, so I’d tried. God, how I’d tried, and how I’d failed. But being with her right now, somehow, it all felt worth it. I hadn’t truly been alive until her.
Kiera gave me a smile as she kissed the corner of my mouth, and I marveled at how wonderful it was to freely love her and be loved by her. I didn’t want this moment to ever end. But I had so much more to tell her.
“When I fell in love with you…it was like nothing I’d ever known before. It was nearly instant. I think I started falling for you the moment you shook my hand.” I laughed and bumped her shoulder as the memory of that nearly nude encounter washed over me. Classic Kiera. “It was so powerful. I knew it was wrong, but it was addicting.” I spun her away from me, then drew her close. “You are so addicting to me,” I repeated, giving her a soft kiss and holding her tight.
When Denny left Seattle, staying away from Kiera had become so much harder. Almost impossible. I’d done my best to keep my distance, but eventually I couldn’t resist holding her, touching her…pretending that we were together. “Sometimes, it felt like you cared for me too, and then everything in the world was perfect. But most of the time, you wanted him, and a part of me wanted to die.” I knew my words were a little extreme, but since this was the first time I’d ever felt this way, they were appropriate. Everything about us felt extreme, the ups and the downs.
“I tried so hard to stay away from you, but I kept making excuses to touch you, to hold you, to nearly kiss you while watching porn. God, you have no idea how difficult that was to turn away from you.” Kiera giggled as she remembered our almost first kiss. God, I loved to hear her laugh.
Closing my eyes, I reminisced over our night of tequila-infused sex. “That first time, I held you for hours afterwards…just feeling your warmth, your breath on my skin.” When I opened my eyes, she seemed surprised by that revelation. “You said my name once while you slept. That made me feel…well, it was almost as good as the sex.” I couldn’t help but grin at her, but then, remembering what had happened next, I turned away. Sheepishly, I confessed how much of a chickenshit I’d been. “I wish I had been strong enough to stay…but I wasn’t. I chickened out. I couldn’t tell you what I had just figured out.” I turned back to her with my heart in my eyes. “That I desperately loved you.”
Instead of staying and telling her how I felt, I’d run away. I hadn’t been able to risk my heart, and so, by not even trying to open myself to her, I’d lost her to Denny when he’d come back. That moment had cleaved me in two, but in all honesty, I had been the one holding the ax. That had been my mistake. I’d treated her like a one-night stand, so of course she’d believed that was all she was to me. I’d never done anything to correct that belief, so the fault lay with me.
“Kellan…I…”
She was speechless, so I continued with an apology for one of my biggest regrets. “I wanted to leave when you went back to him. After having you…it was so hard to watch you with him. To watch you love him how I wanted you to love me. It made me so angry. I’m so sorry.”
With moisture building in her eyes, Kiera hugged me tight. “I’m the one who’s sorry, Kellan…” I heard the remorse in her voice. It wasn’t her fault though. She hadn’t known.
Because of the way I’d acted, things between us had gone downhill in a hurry. But somehow, she’d still given me a chance. She’d asked me to stay, something no one else had done. Ever. “And then, when I finally got the strength to leave…you asked me to stay, and I got my hopes up. I started to believe that maybe…at the very least, you cared for me. You seemed to really want me to stay,” I finished with a crooked smile.
I could see the apples of her cheeks reddening in the dim lighting, and I figured she was remembering her heartfelt request, followed by her passionate actions. That had been the most intense sexual experience of my life, but also the hardest. “You probably didn’t hear me, but I told you I loved you that night. I couldn’t seem to stop it from slipping out.”
“Kellan, I—”
Recalling the pain of the moment, I interrupted her. “Then you cried for Denny, and I wanted to die again.” The tears in her eyes dripped to her cheeks, and I watched them fall. I had felt like those tears that night—discarded, washed away, forcefully removed from where I’d wanted to be. Rejected. “That night was so…intense for me. I wanted so badly to hold you after, but you were so upset…you looked ill. I made you feel ill. You hated what we had done, and it had meant so much to me.” Pain engulfed me and I tried to look away. I couldn’t quite turn my eyes from her though, and I kept her in the corner of my vision. “I hated you after that,” I whispered.
More tears fell as Kiera sniffled. With a sigh, I turned away from her. “I almost left that night. I wanted to…” I knew I was making her feel guilty. I didn’t want to, I just wanted her to understand. If she knew what I’d been feeling, then she’d get what I’d done, and what a profound decision I’d arrived at. Even though what happened in the espresso stand was a memory that still haunted me sometimes, her tears in the orange glow of the parking lot lights was what pulled me through it. She’d shown me that she truly cared, so I’d decided to stay, regardless of the consequences.