Thoughtful (Thoughtless, #1.5)(195)

Letting her go, I looked out over the water on the other side of the Needle. “It didn’t stop me from believing we might have had a chance, though. I spent that whole damn day wandering around the city, trying to figure out how to tell you…how much I loved you, without sounding like an idiot.”

“Kellan…”

While Kiera said my name, memories of every place I’d gone that day flooded me. I’d been so scared to tell her how I felt that I had left her alone, and probably believing that I didn’t care about her at all. No wonder she’d instantly taken Denny back. She’d probably thought I was an unfeeling *.

Returning my eyes to her, I confessed my pain. “God…when you went right back to him, like we were nothing at all, that killed me. I knew it…The minute I finally came home, and heard you two upstairs, I knew we didn’t have a chance.” I couldn’t keep the remembered anger from my voice.

Kiera blinked when I was finished. “You heard us?” she asked, confused. I had given her some lie about seeing his jacket, if I was recalling that night correctly. I’d been pretty wasted.

Looking down, I cringed. I probably should have left that out. She didn’t need to be embarrassed that I’d heard…everything. “Oh…yeah. I came back and heard you guys in your room, getting…reacquainted. That…pretty much sucked. I grabbed a fifth, headed to Sam’s, and, well, you know how that turned out.” With me shit-faced and nearly passed out in the tub.

By the shock in her voice, it was clear she hadn’t known any of that. “Kellan, God, I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong, Kiera.” I glanced at her, then looked away. “I was such a dick to you afterwards. I’m sorry about that.” Kiera grimaced when I gave her a sheepish smile. Apparently, she agreed with me. “I’m sorry, I tend to lose the filter on my mouth when I’m angry…and no one seems to be able to make me angrier than you.” Wasn’t that the truth?

With a humorless laugh, Kiera raised an eyebrow at me. “I’ve noticed that.” I laughed at her comment and her expression changed. “You were always right though. And I did kind of deserve your…harshness.”

Quieting, I cupped her cheek. “No, you didn’t. You never deserved the things I said to you.”

“I was horribly…misleading to you,” she said, guilt and sadness drawing down her features.

“You didn’t know I loved you,” I whispered, stroking her cheek.

Her eyes were a liquid green when she looked up at me. “I knew you cared for me. I was…callous.”

Callous? I suppose I could give her that much. There were times when she’d been coarse with me. And vice versa. To soften the blow of agreeing with her, I gave her a small smile and a kiss. “True. But we seem to have gotten off track. I believe we were talking about my messed-up psyche.”

Shaking away the seriousness of the moment, she let out a brief laugh. “Right, your…whoring.”

“Ouch.” I laughed at her comment, gathered my courage, then pulled off the bandage that had been holding my splintered heart together for far too long. “I suppose I should start with the whole tortured-childhood speech…”

Obviously not wanting to cause me any pain, Kiera was hesitant to hear my story at first. “We’ve already talked about that, you don’t have to bring it up again.”

I wanted to talk about it though. I wouldn’t feel right leaving here until I had. “Kiera…we only scratched the very tip of that very deep wound. There is so much more that I don’t talk about…to anyone.”

“You don’t have to tell me, Kellan,” she insisted. “I don’t want to hurt you by—”

“I want to…in a weird way. I want you to understand. I want you to know me.” No one had ever really known me. Not my parents, not Denny, not my band. Nobody. I thought I’d been protecting myself by keeping it all inside, but maybe I’d been making it worse. I felt lonelier than ever. But not for long.

Maybe seeing sadness sweep over me, Kiera met my eyes and gave me a mischievous eyebrow wiggle. I knew what part of my sentence she’d taken suggestively, and I laughed as humor lightened my load. “Not just…biblically,” I muttered.

Kiera curled her fingers around the hair against my neck, sending bolts of pleasure down my spine. “Okay, if you want to…I’ll listen to whatever you want to tell me, and I’ll respect anything you don’t want to tell me.”

She gave me an encouraging smile that made me love her all the more. If only she realized how calming her presence was. If she were anyone else, I wouldn’t be able to do this. Since she’d already brought humor into the conversation, I prepped her by saying, “You’re going to find it funny.”

Kiera didn’t think so. “I don’t see how that’s possible,” she whispered, her hazel eyes searching mine.

I let out a soft sigh. She was right, it wasn’t ha-ha funny, but it was interesting funny. For us, at least. “Well, okay, maybe not funny…coincidental, then.”

When she gave me a confused expression, I slowly began my story. It was difficult, but I started peeling back the lies that were wrapped around me, started showing her the skeletons that I’d pretended my entire life weren’t there. I’d never in a million years thought I’d be able to talk to another human being about my childhood, but once I started speaking, the words just kept on coming.